We here, at the Urban Dater, like to experiment. Sometimes we have sex with inanimate objects, or put our genitalia in electronic outlets and toggle the power switch (that sounds like a fun lil' euphimism). Actually, I can only speak for myself. I'm pretty sure Miss TaylorCast does none of those things, as a normal and fully functional member of society. The point of that is merely to state that we have an account at Formspring, where we have fielded a question or three in our “Ask the Urban Dater” posts. It's been a while since we have <ahem> checked our Formspring account. So I logged on and there are a lot of damn questions. So I'm going to answer a few of them and um… post them here.
- The Urban Dater, what made you smile today? – The Lovely Tanaj. Oh lovely Tanaj, thanks for your question. Having coitus made me smile today, not only that but it made me shriek in pain after I affectionately called my girlfriend a “turd.” (note to self – stop calling girlfriend “turd”)
- Sex. – It's questions like these that really make me question the whole QA process over at Formspring. I mean, it wasn't even posed as a question. Are they asking about my specific sexuality? No? It's just “sex.” When I see it written it reminds me of how I used to whack off to the late night commercials with the women pimping the party line phone numbers for “hip singles.” Yeah, okay. I called one of those before and, really, it was a horrible experience. The hot lady I was talking to, was most definitely a dude. I mean, c'mon, the throaty voice graveled by years of chain smoking was the first give away. The second give away was that the person on the line knew all-to-well what sexual buttons to push. I was certainly aroused… Um… Which brings me to our next question…
- How do I know I'm gay? – Hrmm. It's one of those things that if you have to ask… well. Really? Are you gay? You don't know and you want to find out, eh? I really don't care. But when you figure it out, let's get an ice cream!Given that I'm a guy that likes to press the action, I'd be aggressive in determining the answer. That is, I'd find a dude to make out with; one who is good looking, smells of cranberries and honeysuckle, like Fredward Michaels, the QB of our football, in high school. He was tall, dashing and had a mullet and a winning smile and was
popular amongst the ladies. I imagine that the exchange of spit would be a telling sign as to whether or not I was gay… Then again I am a jackass and certainly have no first hand knowledge on the topic of identifying ones own sexuality. We don't decide to be gay. We are or we aren't. Allegedly simple, right? I imagine there would have been some other things that cropped up in my life to make me question my sexuality and what side of the tracks I truly belonged. The truth is that I really don't know the answer to your question. I'm reminded of a conversation my late grandmother and I had, when I was in 8th grade. “Mijo, are you gay?” I snickered as she held my gaze with great intent. “Um, no, Nana. I'm not gay,” I replied. She offered, “Well, son, if you were, that would be okay. I love you no matter what.” I don't really share that story and now I have. Just know that regardless of whether or not you're gay, people are still going to love you a whole lot! The answers will come.
How do I know if my man is cheating? I answer this question, the same way all of the times. JOE EFFING GRECO! Put that annoying little puss-wad of a man on the case and have him browbeat the truth out of your potentially-cheating man. If your man loves you and respects you, he does things that bring you two closer together and not the things that drive you further apart. You could offer to smell his dick after he comes back from the bar. Whoa, whoa! Hold on there Bolsa Chica. You asked and I'm telling you my opinion! Shut up!!
Good sentence one >> I'm disease free.
Good Sentence Two >> My name is Chuck and I'm here to f*ck.
Good Sentence Three >> On a more serious note, my lovely girlfriend offers this: “Be sincere and special. ‘Can I take you out for coffee?'” Don't settle for the cheese. Be sincere avoid the whole eye complimenting thing, you tool.
Well, that's it for now, kids. So join us next time for a totally awesome headshot of Joey Greco and more questions from freakin' Formspring.