Ask the Urban Dater: How Do I Have the STD Talk With My Partner?
Welcome to another edition of “Ask the Urban Dater.” This week's question comes from a lady with some great New Year Resolutions, Ms. JoobieBeans. She asks,
“Hello, the Urban Dater, how do you have the STD conversation with someone that you want… snog?” Hmm. That's always the dubious conversation topic, isn't it? I can appreciate a person's desire to air their laundry before getting down to “business time.”
Certainly, though, this is a tough conversation to approach, regardless of what other sites may say on the topic…You can do your own research and ask around to see what others thing about this topic? I found one article where a couple named Mary and Allan had the conversation. You see, Mary waited “a few months” to have the conversation and avoided having sex with her beloved Allan. When he finally mustered the formation of a single testicle to ask the question, “Woman! I've been dating you for a few months, why aren't you putting [email protected]!!?” Mary, feeling quite flustered and embarrassed, sat Allan down and told him of her problem, which is HPV. Allan showed affection by touching her arm and being understanding… Blah blah freakin' blah! That doesn't happen, I really don't believe that it does. I'd think that if Allan was “real” about the whole thing he'd have given Mary the business end of his Pro Wings… I'm just sayin'.
Where I come from, the hard, wet, streets of the wicked damp Pacific Northwest people get down and busy and have that talk a few seconds before getting down to the “real” business, if at all. Obviously, you don't want to do it that way. No one should want to do it that way. However, I've literally had moments like that. I'm in the moment and ready to get busy when I think to ask, “Ummm, so, uhh, you got anything I should be worried about?” That time I got a “Nope!” and a yank for my troubles… Not exactly a scientific method.
I've had friends who have had the post coitus message saying something like, “Ummm, there's something you should know about me…. I have insert STD here. Things like that are causes to choke someone, regardless of how minor the STD may be. It's not right to hold out like that.
Of course the case can be made that couples should really wait to have sex and address these things before hand. Yep, that's the responsible thing to do, I don't see that it's all that realistic, though, even though it needs to be.
The question is how do you approach this conversation? First off, if you haven't been tested, GET TESTED!!! Know the score before you, er, um, score… Or something like that… Ahem! So go get tested. I'll wait for you to come back. Okay.
If you have something, you need to tell your partner. I'm making the assumption that you are only telling someone that you plan on being intimate with; I assume that feelings may be involved as well… Ah hell, who am I kidding! Sex doesn't always equal feelings, but I digress and step away from my soap box.
There's no perfect time to tell your partner, only sub-optimal times to tell them aka when you're both naked and ready to go at it. So pick a time where you can both talk privately and candidly about what's going on. The STD may be one that sticks around, or it may be one that's making a passing visit. Whatever the case, be honest and open. If it's treatable, if the STD is manageable then be sure to talk about those things and also talk about the risks involved. It's not easy, but it's responsible and gives your partner the ammunition to make a well informed decision.
Now that I feel like commercial for some drug being pitched on TV, I'll end with this: Don't be a douche, tell your partner about your “surprise.” The worst thing that can happen is that it gets posted on the internet, maybe on the Urban Dater, at least then you'll be famous. In a better scenario, your partner will be understanding and will work with you on managing the risks involved. Boom. Done!
Until next time, kids, get some ointment for that itchy sensation.
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Being willing to talk frankly about sexual health and history signals that a relationship is more likely to last: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8549476.stm
I couldn't agree more, Steve. Having had this talk with past girlfriends I can say it builds confidence in a relationship for sure.
It is so true! Great post. At first its not easy…it really isn’t but then once you bring it up the first time…its not so awkward. Its just something that you think the person will get offended about but they really don’t. In fact, I think they appreciate it when you do because in way it says you care and have enough respect for their health and theirs. There are so many myths on the STD Convo..like these ones ..http://bit.ly/STDconvo.. but you realize they’re not true!