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Why you should never (ever) ask a girl out in your first message

Should you ask a girl out in your first message to her?

You're on an online dating website and you see a hot girl who has a great profile and your first thought is, “I'd date her” (or cruder).  So, you send her a message asking if she'd like to hang out or grab coffee sometime.  But, wait. Was that a good time to ask her out? Could asking so soon hurt your chances?  Definitely.

You shouldn't ask for a first date in your initial message. Granted, there are girls who will meet in person immediately. But, here's the thing…

  • I've never seen a single female profile say, “If you're going to message me, make sure you ask me out in the first message or I'll ignore you.”  They care a lot more about other things like, “Say more than ‘Hi' and don't call me ‘baby'”.
  • The girls who say yes on the first message will ask you out (or give strong hints) if you play it too slow for their liking, anyway.
  • There are tons girls out there that will be scared away if you ask them out too soon.

Why would girls be scared about meeting someone just because you met them on the internet? It's because they're worried about the worst case scenario: You could turn out to be a rapist or a murderer. It's the same worst case scenario when you meet anyone from anywhere.  When you meet a guy in a bar, he could be a rapist or murderer, too.

The difference is, in a bar you meet new people spontaneously and you can bring your friends with you. Online dates require an upfront setup which lets them think (and freakout) about it a lot more.  Plus, they're usually one-on-one so their friend can't watch their back.

Another reason is you could turn out to be uber-douchey / creepy / clingy and the date would be horrible. By going slow, she has a better chance of exposing these flaws in the comfort of her own home instead of in the un-comfort of a public place like a restaurant. I know, I know: Guys can hide these things and you never know what someone's really like until you meet them in person.  But, if she can reduce her risk this way, why wouldn't she?

Also, consider how awkward this would be in real life: You see someone you're attracted to and you'd like to ask them out. Do you walk up to this stranger and say, “Hi! Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”

No, you say, “Hi!”, make some small talk and then say, “Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”  The small talk lets them perform a figurative and literal sanity check on you. Most people need this before they feel comfortable hanging out with a stranger.  A profile and a single message don't cut it.  They're not a conversation.  They're the “Hi!” part.

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9 Comments

  1. Completely agree the first message is way too soon. I am a fan of meeting relatively soon as opposed to spending weeks emailing. It's more so the amount of messages I use as a barometer rather than the amount of time. All this messages would constitute the talking for a few hours at a bar gauging the crazy or the normalcy.

  2. I was once contacted by someone on a dating site, at about 10pm, who wanted to meet me that night for a drink. UH, NO…for all the reasons stated in this post. Of course as an added incentive for this turndown, I was dressed in the jammies with no makeup and pre-bed head. Takes us gals a bit of time to spruce up…just sayin' 🙂

  3. Yep, this is pretty spot on, man.
    People get too eager to take the conversation 'offline'. Establish a comfort zone and see what happens from there. That's always been my M.O.

  4. Agree that the first message is too soon, but definitely think its better to ask someone out sooner than later. Dating websites have gotten so mass these days that any one decent person can be messaging or talking to anywhere from 1-5+ people. If you don't get in there soon, the opportunity could pass you by.

  5. A guy would have to be incredibly hot for me to not be weary of the, "Hey, you know nothing about me but wanna go get coffee?" and even then, I would raise a brow. I think it's important for a guy to get an idea of who he's going to get coffee with before he jumps in head first. Hell, she might not even be someone he's that interested in and that's a wasted latte that could have been spent on someone more interesting.

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