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3’s a Crowd: How to Play The Field

Have you ever thought of dating multiple men at once? Asking yourself how many? The answer is 3. And here’s why.

Delfino writes an interesting article on XOJane.com about how to play the field. https://www.xojane.com/relationships/how-to-be-in-charge-of-your-heart-a-pair-and-a-spare-method

She introduces the “Pair-and-a-spare-method,” which tells women to choose three men to date at the same time. I totally agree with her method and I’m here to break it down and as well, disclose my own personal take on how to play the field.

  • This is not the same as polyamory; that is a conscious decision to date continuously and absolutely multiple people at the same time (and usually all partners are aware and consensual).
  • This method is for 1) those who want a monogamous exclusive relationship with one person eventually and 2) the casual dater.
  • This article is not for the faint-hearted and might be considered somewhat taboo. But this is also for the gal who might find herself overwhelmed with options and needs some objective strategy to ensure she doesn’t waste her or an anothers’ time. This is also for the gal who has too many a time, put all her eggs in one basket.
Basic Ground Rules
  • Assume no exclusivity on both parties unless there has been a mutual agreement and discussion.
  • Don’t mention you’re dating other people unless prompted to (Kind of kills the vibe a little).
  • Decide on how long are you willing to ‘play the field.’ What’s your time window? 1 month? 6 months?
  • Define what are “dating” activities and what are “in relationship” activities. For some, relationship activities might mean sexual contact, holding hands, intimate disclosure, PDA, or introduction of friends/family members. For others, that can all be included before the relationship label.
Why it Works 
  • As Delfino mentions in her article, dating multiple men at once will automatically put you in a more attractive and proactive mindset. You are ‘choosing’ your partners rather than ‘settling’ for someone.
  • Dating multiple people will put characteristics, red-flags, and preferences in bright Technicolor.
  • You won’t ever be ruminating over why one guy never texted you back or why that other guy didn’t take you out like he said he would. Cause you don’t have the time or attention to care (Well, not substantially so).
  • Once you’ve come to the final decision, you’ll feel very uplifted in that you proactively chose your partner rather than succumbing to the idea of someone. In turn, you’ll value this person a lot and so will they.
  1. Funnel the prospects. And pick two major candidates. Often, I find that they are either both really great packages of guys (so hard to reject on the get-go). And pick a third still quite an attractive guy.
  2. Understand there’s a tier even with these 3 guys. So rank them.
  3. Make sure that these 3 guys are in close caliber of quality. If one brings up multiple red flags, drop, drop, drop him! And replace the third position consequently.
  4. In your time window (Let’s say 3 months), you will need to go on dates with all 3 men. You should have a good sample of each guy- enough to make a decision.
  5. Start to prioritize who gets the most share of your time. This will naturally unfold.
  6. Checks and balances. Dating 3 men will make it abundantly clear to you on what one man is doing and what another is not.
  7. Weigh and evaluate. This is when you reflect and your time window is nearing a close. Midway, you should have knocked out your third candidate.
  8. Focus and compare. Now, in the last 1/3 of your time window, you need to dedicate your dating time to only this pair that you have chosen.
  9. Decide! This is the last and most tricky part. You have to choose your number one choice and dive in.
Strategies/Important Notes

-Pick wisely who these 3 suitors are. You will be expending a lot of your time and energy. Make it worth it!

-Understand that you might lose both or all of your 3 options in this process. Dating multiple men at once is difficult (Emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially even).

-You’ll have to be very good at multi-tasking. DON’T MIX THEM UP.

-Space out or clump dates when necessary. You need your ME time too!

-Have fun! It’s the ride. You’ll learn about yourself a lot.

Author Profile

Sarah Suhaimi practices 명음 by day and the art of dark chocolate bar swindling by night. She is currently working closely with a local Pittsburgh non-profit that serves sex-trafficked victims, Living in Liberty, as a volunteer and grant proposal writer. She founded the Southeast Asian Student Alliance (SEASA) at her university, and, as well, the "Offer Islam Campaign." Her works vary from prose to poetry to articles. Her published works include, ‘The Home of an Immigrant’s Daughter’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2012 Dublin Biennial, Dublin, Ireland and ‘Hidden Beauty Reveals Itself (Intellect Vs Instinct)’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2011 Florence Biennale VIII, Florence, Italy.

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