It’s funny. Ironic. How things pan out. Questions spiral in your mind. And the thoughts. The feelings. They crash into you and then they flee.
Ghosts. Fragments. Pieces of what was. Pieces of what could never longer be.
I’m talking about the h-word.
The life-altering, point-of-view crushing kind. The one that gets under your skin and burns in your memory forever.
Have you ever felt this way?
Yes, that’s heartbreak for you.
People, pop culture, they often dramatize the falling in love part. But what about the falling out? What about the anguish, bitterness, anger, resentment, and pleasure that comes with heartbreak?
I am guilty of the crime of serial dating. I may go on dates often, but I rarely ever fall hard for someone. When I do though, as much I enjoy the high, the low and all its complexity are achingly delicious.
The worst part of ever falling in love is falling in love for the wrong person. And the best part of ever falling in love is falling in love for the wrong person. Better ever than that the steadiest, best companion you could ever have.
People fall in love for the oddest reasons and a variety of reasons. There IS a time and place for love. I don’t not buy it. It’s true. Someone’s more vulnerable at some time than another. He doesn’t want to discover himself more than any other time besides now. She has just the right enough of emotional baggage, the right amount of physical and mental impediments. You could be on top of the world. You could be at rock bottom. There is no specific right time and place to fall. But there are certain contributions from space, time, and the person that stir the right recipe for it.
But why does it fall apart? Because of those same reasons. People continuously change. They peel off layers and layers of themselves and grow new skins again. Sometimes their cores even shake.
So why would I enjoy it? As much as it hurts to break things with someone I have genuine feelings for?
Maybe I’m just slightly masochistic. Even sadistic. In secret. Maybe I’m so used to these patterns.
But I think it’s because of people. The people I fall for. The ones I’d fall for all over again. And that I’d break up with all over again. I’d hurt and be hurt by all over again. Because in doing so, I truly discovered myself.
Falling out of love does that you.
It hurts for several reasons. Because he doesn’t see you that way. It hurts because she can’t make you happy. Because he can’t change. It hurts because you don’t want her to change.
Most of all though, it hurts because the person who you thought you once were… dies.
But that’s why falling out of love feels so good because you can leave what you no longer want and fall in love with someone else. And that someone new is…you.
Sarah Suhaimi practices 명음 by day and the art of dark chocolate bar swindling by night. She is currently working closely with a local Pittsburgh non-profit that serves sex-trafficked victims, Living in Liberty, as a volunteer and grant proposal writer. She founded the Southeast Asian Student Alliance (SEASA) at her university, and, as well, the "Offer Islam Campaign." Her works vary from prose to poetry to articles. Her published works include, ‘The Home of an Immigrant’s Daughter’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2012 Dublin Biennial, Dublin, Ireland and ‘Hidden Beauty Reveals Itself (Intellect Vs Instinct)’ in the Art Catalogue for the 2011 Florence Biennale VIII, Florence, Italy.