My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have two children and both work full-time. We are in our early 40’s. He has been “seeing” someone online. I caught him masturbating with her through an online site and he admitted it has been an ongoing thing but says it has no real meaning. He said they talk daily, text, and have some video sessions. Is this an affair? I am embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and don’t know what to do.
To be with someone and truly not know them at all…
Where is the man you fell in love with? There are a bunch of possible reasons why things changed. Sometimes we don’t figure it out until it’s too late.
Yes, your husbands’ online affair is cheating.
The sad truth:
Over ten percent of all affairs started online in 2017. Forty percent of those turned into offline, hands-on affairs. An online affair involves the same basic aspects as a physical affair.
Differing views on what constitutes cheating do exist. Here are some examples to help outline my personal view on what makes a cheater:
- Engaging in sexual talk.
- Spending time with a person in secret.
- Touching intimately. E.g. sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, et cetera.
- Giving intimate gifts, money, or paying their bills
- Online affairs. 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt. 38% of people have engaged in explicit, online, sexual conversation. 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
- Any form of sexual contact, including kissing.
- Becoming emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity).
I’m sorry this happened to you. You must not let this experience cause you to develop trust or anger issues. Don’t let this relationship ruin future ones. People who cheat are not worth the issues we give ourselves over it.
Trust me, I know.
A survey on cheating was conducted in 2017 by a company called Trustify. The results are worse than you want to hear, but exactly what you need to know. Trustify found that people who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again, compared to those that haven’t cheated before.
Hence, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
I’m guessing you have a pyramid of different questions building up in your mind.
- Is he unhappy?
- Does he have feelings for her?
- Have they ever met and been actually physical?
- Does he want to work this out?
- Will he stop seeing her now that I know?
- Who else knows about this?
- If you want to get past this and keep your marriage, you should start by asking him any and all questions you think you need to know.
After you have his answers, take some time to process what you learned and decide if you want to stay and try, or leave and not.
Recovering the love and trust that was lost will take time. It will require high levels of emotional strength. It may not work out no matter how hard you try.
You can’t be in a marriage that causes anxiety every time he looks at his phone or tablet.
What if catching him is his “out?”
If you decide to talk this over and not just leave, prepare yourself for him to use this situation to unload his truth. He may not want to work it out.
Let’s face it… he cheated on you. This is probably it.
Remember, it’s okay for you to walk away from this all together. Call him a cheating d*&k and leave.
Life is short. Don’t spend time miserable if you can help it.
Click here for another article about infidelity you may find helpful.
I wish you the best of luck.