My friends were there laughing. I'd just told them how I'd had a threesome with a cute woman and her chihuahua (not really, but the chihuahua really makes for a good punchline) and they were rolling. “Really!!?” they asked. I went on to tell a couple of other woeful dating stories. Again, to more laughs. My friend, Dee, rolled her eyes as her best friend and hubby were having a great time laughing at my horrendous dating stories…
Dee's heard all the stories. She's one of my best friends as well and has seen women come and seen women go.
This particular time she was less than amused with my personal foibles where it concerned dating. Rightfully so, I tend to “exorcise” better judgement when it comes to dating. At least at that time. I let it roll off my back, because the stories were for my “boys” as we drank some cold craft brews.
About a week later, my buddy Ronaldo says “Hey man, you know, you might want to make your dating stories sound… less fun. Some people think you're out there living the life and it's kind of causing issues elsewhere.” Now, I'm not great at thinking or picking up social cues, but I got what Ronaldo was saying.
When some people hear my dating stories and what's going on in my life in general, it can sound pretty… awesome? I guess to some it does. It's not, but I'll get there in a sec. From the perspective of someone else who's married or otherwise, it can seem like I'm “living the life.” To a point, that may be true. I'm working for myself; I date who I want, when I want and pretty much do as I please and have no one to answer to… Pretty bad ass, I must say! Right?
Not so fast, things are not always what they seem.
Firstly, my work life is hectic. I get to work for myself. This is my first year freelancing full-time. It's fucking hard, people. And I'm barely making it. Barely. And there's one shitty month of not getting work that would put me on the street. Messed up, right? But it's true. I'm a bad paycheck away from working for “the man” again. That's stressful to think about.
I do what I want… But I generally work so much that I can't just “do what I want” whenever I want. Truth is I work harder now than I ever have… ever. I don't really have “benefits” either… So there's that.
And I'm not really hauling in big volume in terms of client dollar revenue. I'll probably never own a house on what I make and live month-to-month. Sounds great, doesn't it?
Next, my dating life. I really am trying to find a good dame. Truly. And while I've had long stretches of “dating for fun” it's not been without some truly shitty dates in the process.
Most dates, I'm just paying to talk to a stranger that doesn't give a fuck about me, who will forget me in a week. Sounds fun, don't it? It's not. I've had a girl meltdown and cuss me out in public; I've had a girl try to get me to fuck her in my car; she's 5'10” and I'm 6'4″… Spoiler alert! It's not gonna happen! Why? Because Toyota fucking Corolla!!! I've had the girl with the aforementioned chihuahua lick my asshole and had a date ask me to choke her out in front of Yogurtland... Fuck! I can tell you… Those are dates I could do without.
People, I'm not always winning. That's just the truth.
I don't have someone to come home to… Just an empty bed all the time.
I live in a tiny apartment… Tiny, a shoebox really.
Work life is hard and not in balance (never will be)…
I don't have anyone who loves me the way I want…
I miss who I was when I was in a happy relationship.
Boo-fucking-whooo. This isn't sour grapes or anything; just an unfiltered reality check. Dating is fun, but I'm done with it. Although fun in its own way, I'm really done and I have been for some time now.
I spoke with my buddy who was seeing my life under the positive spin… He brought it up actually. We swapped our thoughts on it. There's both positive and negative aspects to each of our lives. And the grass will be forever greener where ever you aren't. Weird, right?
“Happiness is the moment right before you need more happiness…”
— Don Draper
That's kinda fucked up. But it's true and I feel this applies to where I'm at in life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm moment to moment…
I think it's in our nature to compare ourselves to others. I don't think you can ever truly stop, but recognize it and pull back from it. I explained this to my friend and I think he came to his own conclusion rather quickly. He noted what he had and what he didn't. He was more comfortable with what he had than what he had not. The appeal of meeting new women, having new experiences is a real thing; but how does it compare with the love of your life? It's still something to mull, but only briefly. Right?
The grass is greener where you water it, folks.