If you know me, you know that I'm a turd and generally an asshole. So when I tell my friends about the insane messages I sometimes send people they're not surprised and I'm sure you won't be either.
I'm sharing a message I sent about a month ago to a user on OkCupid. There was a glaring strike, however: The fact she lived in Canada. Yep. Geographically undesirable… But she visited me, so who knew. Maybe she was contemplating a move or a visit. Reading this gal's profile got me interested and seeing what she was into told me that a message was a no brainer.
Here's what I sent
Okay. Look. I'm just going to write this, knowing that a.) you probably hear this all the time b.) we'll never meet and c.) This note creeps you the f*ck out. That said, you pretty much read like the most awesome woman ever. Now, I want you to understand something. Okay? When I say, “most awesome woman ever” I don't mean you're cooler than all the women on your block; in your city; in your province; or even in your country. I mean, it's as though someone at a woman building factory got an order for the most awesome woman ever and she had to have these qualities, look like-so and all this other stuff such that she would be more awesome than the next closes awesome woman by at least 75x. If they lined up each an every model, the world over and said to me, “You, tell us what you think of this army of underfed models, with you standing there, to the side, I would say “Dear sir. Please remove this army of underfed models and place in front of me the clearly most awesome woman in the world. Thank you!” That's what I would say. But, then, my underling would say, Lord Alex, but what of all the women the women in all the corners of the world, but before he finishes that sentence, I gently place a clown nose on his face and cover his mouth with my hand and say “Now, now, young Viceroy Jr. What did your Lord tell you about contradicting his opinion as to who the most awesome woman in the world is? I would then squeeze his nose and send him to his room to eat asparagus and consider the many ways in which he was wrong.
Why? Well, on the outside, you're pretty darn cute; some might even say pretty. But the brass tacks, here, are that you're <bleep>n gorgeous. You like what you do, you are interested in stuff and things; you like good beer and you wear spectacles. All important things. The like of making out is kinda rad, too. Just sayin'.
But, on a more serious note, if you were in my town, or I in yours, I'd definitely send you a note to the affect of this:
Yo, grrrl! Nice smile. What are you? The Czar of Smiles or sumpin'? Wanna grab a beer and talk some stuff for a couple hours, or whatevs?
Or I might actually write something more appropriate, I kinda spent my creativity early out of the gates… =)
Anyway, that's all you get out of this guy. You're welcome! Now enjoy the rest of your weekend in Middle Earth, Canadia, or where ever it is you hail from.
So the question I pose to you is this: How did I do? Is this too crazy of a message to send out to someone? I should note she replied, once, but was appreciative and not creeped out which, sometimes, is all I can ask for.