An Open Letter to Every Woman Thinking of Shacking Up With Your Man

Cohabitation can be like having someone else's underwear on your face… Not really.

It's been almost a year since I moved in with my girlfriend. Thinking about that, it's been a fun and twisted ride. Mostly good, some things were rough. But I think I've come away with some pointers that can help you women out and give you some insight into how men think and work.

Some men, such as myself, have dillusions of grandeur; that a woman will make him sandwiches all day long in nothing but an apron and heels (or if you're like me, the little black dress is a fave). Women, you must set the record straight quickly. Don't make him a single sandwich! Tell him to get his own beer and generally be shitty to the guy… Why?

Also, I should mention, this is a basic cohabitation survival guide, or my lovely friend, Taylor Cast, who might benefit from this piece of advice.

Ladies, it's important that you establish your position early on and I don't mean assuming the doggy position. No, no. I mean it's important to let you guy know that he's not a child and that you're not his mother, that is, unless that's what you guys do for role play kinkiness. No judging here.

The Bills

I'm not talking about that shitty football team, from Buffalo either. It's easy to get really cozy really quickly. But before that coziness takes hold, make sure to figure some basic things out:

• Who is responsible for what bills?
• Will you get a joint checking account to pay for household expenses, or keep em separate (always good for us men if you're prone to buying lots of poo-nography)
• This one is important. Groceries. You may not think it is, but it is. Dietary habits often conflict between two people. I didn't do a whole lot of shopping in my bachelor pad. I think beef jerky and apples were about all you could find in my place. Not suitable for keeping a woman alive.  Ladies, it's important to understand the dining habits of your sweetie. If you intend to change said habits, do so gently. Don't just introduce him to your low-sodium selection of quinoa and cranberry walnut salad or some other weird shit. Be easy.

Intimacy

This is the part where being an unmarried couple really shines. You get to try the milk without buying the cow. Ladies, I'm not referring to you as cows. It's just an expression. However, if you feel compelled to kick my ass, please do so wearing heels and a little black dress. Thanks.

Intimacy, when living together, can be great, yet, it can be easily lost. When living alone, in our own space, we are cozy. After time has passed, when living together, you grow comfortable and assume a “nesting behavior.” That is, you guys hang out a lot together and do more things together than you ever have before. We men start walking around in our lucky boxes that have holes in them; you women will come to bed drooling with your retainers and messed up hair. We're no prize, but you aren't either anymore. That's an easy trap to fall in to… And that's part of what makes relationships hard. The work that must go into them.

I'm not saying to not be comfortable, but making time for intimacy and making it a priority is huge. Your guy may wake up in the morning with a hardon and he needs it “taken care of.” Many times you're not likely to feel a need to “take care of it.” But we are sexual beings with very real needs. It's important to grind some things out (pun intended), even if it means you get a little less sleep. That hardon isn't going to take care of itself, now, is it??

Friends and Family

In an ideal situation, your man will love your friends and family. In reality this is not always going to be the case. I'm lucky, though. My gal has an awesome family with great friends, too. I'm admittedly the weird guy; the dude that can't talk too much without saying “piss, shit, fuck, cock sucking monkey fucker.” I have to adjust my profanity monitor a bit in social situations.

Ladies, do take care to spend adequate time with your man's friends and family. It seems elementary, but it's so. I've dated women that wanted little to no part of my friends. That can tell you a lot about a person. Which is why it's important to make time and make sure it's not a chore. If it is a chore and your man's friends are like the dudes from Workaholics then you must use the lame ass “trueism” that states “we are but a reflection of the friends we keep” then is your guy really the guy you should be with? Ponder that one, ladies.

Conclusion is Delusion

It's not always going to be apricots and tater tots, ladies. Domestication is a real fucking chore for both sides! You, the women, are working on domesticating your rabid, formerly in-the-wild, man. Your man has pissed on all your clothes and now you answer to him and your whereabouts… Right? Not likely. There should be an allowable amount of bending, but never breaking.

You live together because you each see something that's pretty damn special in the other. Remember that when you toss out your man's socks or when he obliterates your trendy blouses and all that other lady shit you all wear. If he uses your skin cream as shaving cream, be understanding. Mmkay?

I think I may compile an easy to follow list of co-habitation tips. =)