Ask the Urban Dater: Is the Grass Really Greener?
My boyfriend's best friend just became single. He is embracing his new freedom by drinking, partying, & constantly talking smack about his ex. (who I think, she is completely reasonable in this whole situation) Now my boyfriend said every guy should be entitled to having “guy time” and talking about spending less time together. This has never been an issue before. We live together, we both work full time so we spend the rest of our time alone in our home or out doing day-to-day activities.His friends come over whenever they want and i don't mind because im not the type of girl to not let him see his friends. But i am feeling very threatened by his best friend. His best friend is miserable so i feel like he is dragging my boyfriend down with him. We have guardianship of his little brother so were never technically”alone”. We've been very content with our relationship until his best friend came alone and started feeding him all this crap about being single. Were not teenagers to be running the roads at midnight. I feel like he's being influenced by a guy who absolutely is the worst in relationships. Help? — Princess McSuchNStuff, Spokane, WA
Well, Princess, that's a bit of a noodle-bender, isn't it? The good thing here is that this is normal behavior. When anyone is in a situation for any length of time, your mind can wander, although that person may never manifest a vocal desire for change.
I have been perpetually single and swept up in relationships for the last three years, short-term numbers, if you will. One day, I was having lunch with a friend, Nutella. She and I have been good friends for a long time, she's married to a great guy, Turd Ferguson. Nute confided that her marriage had hit a rocky bit of road, things hadn't been going well. You see, Turd had been stating that he'd become a bit “bored” with things around home and with the things they were doing. He took up running, started hanging with new friends and pretty much left Nute out of his hi-jinx. She, too, felt threatened. Turd even went so far as to bring me up in a conversation lamenting how his life was boring and how I was living this grand life, “banging women” all about the town, like a modern-day Don Draper… Oh, silly Turd.
That's when Nutella said to me: “Alex, Turd listens to your dating stories and thinks you're some sort of stud (does she think I'm not!?), so I don't know what to do. Can you just not tell him those stories?” I told Nute that I would stop with the stories; rather, I told her that I would tell him the whole story, not just the juicy bits. You see, Princess Mc SuchNStuff, while I had—and even now—a pretty healthy dating life at that point the facts are like so: I'm lonely, very lonely at times and the women I did meet weren't people I was interested in, not to take anything away from them; but I just wasn't into them and things never went anywhere. That's more on me than them, I think. I live in the tiniest shoebox of an apartment because I'm fucking broke… I jokingly tell friends I manage a non-profit (my business).
What had escaped Turd was that his life wasn't so boring or so bad. He lives in a lovely home; has two awesome Beagles a loving and adoring wife and a cushy job that allows him to travel when he wants. His life is SO much better than my own. Sometimes we get lost in what's going on over on the other side of the fence, where the grass seems just a little greener… The fact that becomes lost on us, in the moment, is that the grass is greener where you water it.
So, Princess, I would find a time when you and your man can be alone, have a conversation. It can be over dinner or just something at home; the key is to be alone and not have any interruptions. I'm always a fan of keeping things intimate and safe. But tell him you notice how he's been feeling and how he's been making you feel with the things he's said. Remind him of why you're with him; remind him how he makes you feel. Does he make you feel special? What things do you love about him? Tell him! But bring it back around and tell him that, perhaps you do understand that his life isn't necessarily all his own, or just the way he wants; but to remember that he's got it good. He's got his little brother and he's got you and that's a lot! You know? Perhaps after you do that remove some clothing and woman-handle him. That's my opinion at least.
I think things like this tend to pass, given some time. But a good reminder never hurts.
By the way, the next time I talked to Turd I told him about my dating life and I told him about the rest of my life… And he did see that while some parts were good, other parts were not so good and he came to the conclusion himself.
Perhaps you could also have a one on one discussion with this friend and ask him for some help… Tell him to lay-off the single person rhetoric. Just a thought.
Good luck, Princess.
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