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Ask the Urban Dater: I Want My Girlfriend to Have Sex With Someone Else

Hi I'm 28 years old I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We have a great sex life I do however fantasize about her and other men. I don't want to see her have sex with them, I just want to be with her after.
I love her dearly and this would not affect the relationship. I just need some advice on how to approach the situation? And what I should do? Is this weird? What would you do if you was her? — Oleg.

As you can see, we get all sorts of questions here at the Urban Dater. Well, Oleg, that's a doozy, but not as abnormal as you might think!

A study was done and shared over at the Journal of Sex research that around 46% of respondents liked to watch other people have sex (or enjoyed being watched themselves). People are kinky and that's okay. The first thing I'll tell you is that it's okay to be kinky. I've got my own stuff that gets off, too. Btw, watching a gal I'm with have sex with someone else is a thing I enjoy, too. All of that is to say that your kink is normal, dude.

What I find interesting is that you DON'T want to watch. I'm curious why that is, but no biggie. You just want to know that she's had sex with someone else. But, still, I dig it and I can understand it.

The ask

You've been together for a while now, so I'm thinking you can have open and honest conversations with one another. For something like this to work, you need to be transparent. That's what's worked for me.

I wouldn't beat around the bush, be direct and tell her that you've had this fantasy. Talk it through. The worst thing she can say is “no.” And if she does say no, then leave it at that and respect her wishes. You can't worry about what she might think; again, transparency, in my opinion, is key. Doing different things like this can be a healthy change of pace in your relationship. The conversation will be central here, though.

You need to talk about what it is that you want, how it makes you feel, and, of course, if your partner wants to help you out there. Then ask her how she feels about it and to be open with her feelings. You'll want to know how it makes here feel. Then how do you deal with finding someone for her to have sex with? Are there any limits with whom she can have sex with? Are your mutual friends off-limits? Can she have sex with past lovers? Can she have sex with people multiple times? How do you deal with things if a guy has feelings? That's all the messy shit, but I think it's worth discussing.

More than anything, the best thing you can do is to be open and honest with how you feel and what you want. That's a part of a healthy relationship.

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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One Comment

  1. I just wonder why my girlfriend is not willing to have sex with another guy or women,. I personally don’t care I really believe she would enjoy it but can’t understand why she would turn down sex, especially when she should know I’m okay with it. Would anyone please let me know what I can maybe do to allow her to be open minded and go with it? Btw we’ve been together for 4 years and plan to get married and be together for hopefully the rest of our lives. She has the perfect body for a 33 year old woman and a tight snatch…. I’m not her only boyfriend she has been in other relationships, she isn’t the type to admit what she wants as far as fantasy’s are concerned. Everyone has a fantasy…

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