Ask the Urban Dater: The Job Seduction Edition


New Year and a new Ask the Urban Dater! Today's question comes from Hakuta Bronson, a quick-oil changing technician at Spiffy Lube.

Hakuta asks:

My question is if a guy meets you then later keep his distant…what is he doing?
Is he analyzing what he wants?

I fear this because once the guy needs time to think…it usually goes down hill.

Here goes my story, while I was looking for a job, I was interviewed by a hiring manager who wanted to join his company. Very professional and makes the interview very comfortable. Three weeks later, I met him outside of work because he said it's the second round of interview. So I went and I wanted to hear more opportunities on the company. During the course of the coffee meetup, he shared a lot of his personal stories. I was really impressed and at the same time I can feel that this is not just an interview…it's a date as well..

He offered me a position, but I decided not to accept the position offer because I want to date him and see him out of work. He got really disappointed because I can tell he is trying really hard to make things work. He would say like…can you help me do (outside job related tasks) this and that…of course I promised him, but he never emailed me with the specifics.

He did wish me good luck with my job. I see that on his profile pic that we both use to send each other messages…it had a saying of “One of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is whether to stay and try harder or just take your memories and walk away”. After reading such strong statement, I decided to message him after the new year.. wishing him the best of everything. He then replied “you too let's catch up later”. This is where I got stuck. I'm not sure what's going on?

My heart says…let it go..find another guy who wont throw you off like that…then my feeling says…wait and see…

I can't thank you Urban Dater enough for helping me out here!

I'm not gonna lie Hakuta, this is no doubt a sticky situation and it's gonna take a lot more than a fluffer to get to the bottom of this. Certainly there are more questions than answers… What do you do? I can understand the reasoning for not taking the job and I applaud you for not taking the job given that you were attracted to the person who would be your hiring manager. Good on you. You saved years of sanity and grey hairs!

So let's examine your love interest here. He wanted to hire you, liked you enough to offer you a job. Was it because you were legitimately qualified? Who knows. The fact he kept in contact after you declined the job offer is interesting, men always want what they can't have. The forbidden fruit complex, it seems. At this point you look at what a person does. Do they do things that bring you closer together? As in, when they make plans do they follow-up and give you a solid plan? If not, then it's clearly not as important to them to really get something locked-in.

I would say that you should probably move on and not pay this boy any more mind. A person that wants you will go after you and show you. You'll never have a question about intent. I think this is a classic case of feelings unrequited, brochacha, and you ought to move on.

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Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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