You're all a bunch of bitches!
Okay, let me walk that back. No, you're not all bitches. The vast majority of women on OkC are pretty awesome and amazing. Much more so than me. Which gives me a complex. I mean, if women on the OkC are so amazing then what hope do I have of snagging one? For I fail and suck at all things related to life.
Here's my problem. I don't know the difference in when I should use your, you're and, um, yore. I am not well traveled. Things that I have to read, or listen to or look at bore me pretty quickly, so I don't do any of that. I also masturbate way too much. As a result, I have shitty vision and intermediate uveitis that was probably caused by jerking off into my eye while trying to mimic the album cover to Crust's 1991 offering ‘Crust.'
That said, I don't have a lot going for me in any way, shape or form. People. I'm a dick bag-loser hoser… Which leads me to:
5 Things I Learned From Women on OkCupid
- The Majority of OkCupid Women Hate Your Thoughtful Messages – The Carpet Bombing technique WORKS – Yes, it does! I've sent some well thought, short but sweet messages that often go unanswered. The message that has an over 60% rate of reply? This one: “Hello, I have noticed you here a couple of times . I'd thought I would come over and introduce myself, my name is Alex. What is your name?” – Lame, right? Wrong! Yes, women respond to that message. Which sucks. This serves to tell me that actually reading through a profile is a waste of time. I don't truly believe that; I think it IS important. The waste of time is crafting a thoughtful message that gets NO reply. That, friends, is lame.
- Women are Grammar Nazis – Clearly I have too much time on my hands. But three different days this past month I went on OkC and clicked through 20 profiles each. About 47% of the profiles mentioned a great disdain for men who cannot spell and/or wield the English language properly with their case-in-point being able to correctly use: there, they're and their in sentences. Fuck you! If that is your pet peeve and deal breaker, get a damned boob job you well-manicured jack-ass! It doesn't matter if your standing over there or if your friends over their don't like who yore dating, it just matters that you can convey your thoughts appropriately.
- OkC Women Are Mostly Vegetarian… But Not Really – Sigh. I know, I know. Now it just sounds like I'm a petty piece of shit. And I am both of those things, but I hide them well enough… Usually. Ladies, look. Dont' say you're mostly Vegetarian. Don't even say that you avoid red meat or you're Pescatarian. I've seen many a Pescatarian down non-fishy foods… Not only do you annoy real Vegetarians and Vegans, but you are annoying me, too, because I have to listen to Vegetarian and Vegan friends complain about people like that. It's a vicious fucking cycle. Just say: “I eat healthy.” Be done with it, cause no one gives a shit.
- OkC Women Like Travel – Nothing wrong with travel. But women on here like to travel. A lot.
- OkC Women, in LA, Work in Entertainment or Fashion – Seriously. When I was clicking through the profiles, better than 70% of the women worked in Fashion or Entertainment aka “I'm not from around here.” Not that it matters, because, fuck, I'm not from around here either. It's cool. Whatevs. But I can find little in life less interesting than talking to a woman who drones on about her Entertainment gig. Maybe I sound jaded… Well, shit, I do, but some of the recent dates I've been on have made me consider putting a kibosh on dating women who work in entertainment. Fashion's okay, though.
- Bonus Time: Lists – Yes, I know we all maintain a list. And I've written about these dating list requirements a time or two. I don't like them. But women on here have them like they're going out of style. Yes, be tall; yes, be funny; yes, have a couple tattoos and have a hip/rocker/geeky fashion sense; yes, I don't wear mom pants; yes, I fucking got it, now Smurf off, for Smurf's Sake!