Okay, let me walk that back. No, you're not all bitches. The vast majority of women on OkC are pretty awesome and amazing. Much more so than me. Which gives me a complex. I mean, if women on the OkC are so amazing then what hope do I have of snagging one? For I fail and suck at all things related to life.
Here's my problem. I don't know the difference in when I should use your, you're and, um, yore. I am not well traveled. Things that I have to read, or listen to or look at bore me pretty quickly, so I don't do any of that. I also masturbate way too much. As a result, I have shitty vision and intermediate uveitis that was probably caused by jerking off into my eye while trying to mimic the album cover to Crust's 1991 offering ‘Crust.'
That said, I don't have a lot going for me in any way, shape or form. People. I'm a dick bag-loser hoser… Which leads me to:
5 Things I Learned From Women on OkCupid
- The Majority of OkCupid Women Hate Your Thoughtful Messages – The Carpet Bombing technique WORKS – Yes, it does! I've sent some well thought, short but sweet messages that often go unanswered. The message that has an over 60% rate of reply? This one: “Hello, I have noticed you here a couple of times . I'd thought I would come over and introduce myself, my name is Alex. What is your name?” – Lame, right? Wrong! Yes, women respond to that message. Which sucks. This serves to tell me that actually reading through a profile is a waste of time. I don't truly believe that; I think it IS important. The waste of time is crafting a thoughtful message that gets NO reply. That, friends, is lame.
- Women are Grammar Nazis – Clearly I have too much time on my hands. But three different days this past month I went on OkC and clicked through 20 profiles each. About 47% of the profiles mentioned a great disdain for men who cannot spell and/or wield the English language properly with their case-in-point being able to correctly use: there, they're and their in sentences. Fuck you! If that is your pet peeve and deal breaker, get a damned boob job you well-manicured jack-ass! It doesn't matter if your standing over there or if your friends over their don't like who yore dating, it just matters that you can convey your thoughts appropriately.
- OkC Women Are Mostly Vegetarian… But Not Really – Sigh. I know, I know. Now it just sounds like I'm a petty piece of shit. And I am both of those things, but I hide them well enough… Usually. Ladies, look. Dont' say you're mostly Vegetarian. Don't even say that you avoid red meat or you're Pescatarian. I've seen many a Pescatarian down non-fishy foods… Not only do you annoy real Vegetarians and Vegans, but you are annoying me, too, because I have to listen to Vegetarian and Vegan friends complain about people like that. It's a vicious fucking cycle. Just say: “I eat healthy.” Be done with it, cause no one gives a shit.
- OkC Women Like Travel – Nothing wrong with travel. But women on here like to travel. A lot.
- OkC Women, in LA, Work in Entertainment or Fashion – Seriously. When I was clicking through the profiles, better than 70% of the women worked in Fashion or Entertainment aka “I'm not from around here.” Not that it matters, because, fuck, I'm not from around here either. It's cool. Whatevs. But I can find little in life less interesting than talking to a woman who drones on about her Entertainment gig. Maybe I sound jaded… Well, shit, I do, but some of the recent dates I've been on have made me consider putting a kibosh on dating women who work in entertainment. Fashion's okay, though.
- Bonus Time: Lists – Yes, I know we all maintain a list. And I've written about these dating list requirements a time or two. I don't like them. But women on here have them like they're going out of style. Yes, be tall; yes, be funny; yes, have a couple tattoos and have a hip/rocker/geeky fashion sense; yes, I don't wear mom pants; yes, I fucking got it, now Smurf off, for Smurf's Sake!