Just to clear the air, this is a DBaA PSA. WTF? In other words, this is a “Don't Be an Asshole” Public Service Announcement. Over the years I've seen many, many dating profiles. Like, SOOO many! I think that the best use of online dating sites is that you can filter for who you want to date and cut out the crusty undesirables. Win. Right? However, as with any new invention, an asshole comes along and misuses it and causes great angst amongst the population… Case in point: A 5th grader gets a light saber for his birthday. One of those cool ones with the hard plastic that makes sound effects as you wave it around and strike objects with it. It's about as awesome as you can get next to having an actual freaking light saber. Cool. Right? WRONG! You see, this little shit-head decides to start whacking his fellow students. Little shit-head loses the right to have the light saber at school and fucks it up for everyone else now. That asshole kid was out of control… Your dating list of desirables? It's gotten out of control, too!
Our first list comes to us from a female from OkCupid
- Guys who like girls
- Ages 27–33
- Near me
- Who are single
- For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners
Not too shabby. This gal seems like she's pretty cool. Her essay might have caused me to shed tears due to boredom, but that's okay. She likes dudes who are single and wants someone near her. Cool.
Enter the asshole…
You: over 27 and “looks” around MY age, regardless of the number, over 5'8″, somewhat of an artsy- rocker-skater-surfer type (or any combination of), confident, fun, social, healthy & FIT (but not yolked/buff out of your mind) Because I'm on a big health/exercise kick… and you have a job or working towards something BIG in life.
Brownie points if you like NFL Football or look anything like Jared Leto or Chris Hemsworth [Thor] <3 …Negative points if you're a Patriots, Raiders, Cowgirls, or Dodger's fan, or if you have a DUI/arrest that's currently affecting the way you're able to live life socially.
DO NOT MESSAGE ME IF: you do drugs (weed counts too, sorry), smoke, drink a lot (drunk much?), have kids or lingering drama like a CRAZY EX who's not completely out of your life, have a DUI that's affecting your life currently, or only communicates through TEXT. Also, if you can not do a push up or pull up– or have more than 22% body fat… I'm not going to be into you. That's really not asking for much… if I can do it- a man should too (most can).
*Shy/quiet/introverts beware– I may be too strong of a personality for you.
*Probably TMI, BUT– as much as I love my Asian friends & family, to be honest I am NOT attracted to the typical Asian man- sorry just being honest!
WTF??? Things just took an assholish turn for the worst. Okay. I get it. I, too, am guilty of having an impossible list like this. This girl, she's pretty cute, I do admit. However, she is an asshole. Make no mistake. “Well, hey, she just knows what she wants. What's wrong with that?” YOu're right, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. However, the above requirements are extreme and plenty lame. Here's why: She's not going to find someone who even closely hits her requirements. A Raiders fan that looks like Chris Hemsworth? Puhlease! Raiders fans ALL look like either Paula Poundstone or Danny Trejo… or some mutant combination of the two. Sorry Raider Nation, but it's true.
This girl probably gets a shit ton of messages, but she needs to get over herself and her 4-pack abs. Once she does get over herself and then brings it down a notch on her list of requirements I think it would be easier to pick someone off the online dating tree of hookups. Not that she's looking for that. She made that clear. And sorry Mr. Nguyen, she's just not that into you. If you were a buff, young-looking, non-asian, non-patriots, non-raiders fan who can deal with a bitchy personality you might just be okay… Might. Oh and you better be under 22% bodyfat, shitty fat tits. Mmkay?
What should this girl's list look like? How about this:
– Confident guy who can dish it and take it
– Enjoys working out
– Looking for a relationship
– In decent shape
I hope you guys found this useful. So now, when you're out there in the online dating jungle, try not to be an asshole. Your online stalkers and future-conquests will thank you for it. I've got a couple more assholish lists to cover in the coming weeks. Check back soon.