So we met online, or at a bar, or maybe you stopped me on the way to the beer garden at a baseball game. Either way, I gave you my digits and with those numbers came an unspoken message: “Use them wisely”.
Apple has more recently updated their software to allow me this amazing feature called “Block Caller” which permits me to hand out my number to all potential candidates without repercussion. If I don’t like the tone in which I read your initial message I can immediately block your number and pretend it never happened. Guilt free, because at this point I have no idea what awful messages you’re sending me about ignoring you after gifting you my digits. I know, I’m going to Hell.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. This stands true with the wild rollercoaster of text messaging our generation has chosen to ride. Don’t just make a first impression, make a lasting impression. And I use ‘lasting’ loosely…because most of you Bozos leave me with an ever lasting eye roll and a definitive distaste for moving forward with the opposite sex. As I’ve made it pretty apparent in my last blog post (Why Date Two Is Harder To Score Than Date One) I think it’s important that we are all honest with each other as we untangle the messy web that is dating. Which is why I find it important to tell you what you’re doing wrong before I fly off the radar. I want you to be a better you for a better…not me. So without further ado…here are the five guys you don’t want to be after graduating to texting:
“The Cock Block”
I can tell you right now, not a single woman on planet earth gets aroused by unsolicited dick pics. If the first picture you send a woman is a peek-a-boo of your twig and berries, you’ve ultimately cock blocked yourself. Whatever you might want her to stroke, be it your junk or your ego…you’ve set up zero room for healthy conversation. Where do we go from here? Is this where I send you something in return? Like maybe a snap chat of me crying with laughter over the fact that you shaved your ball hair into a field of razor bumps, or is that herpes? What am I supposed to do with that picture? Put it in my ass? Whatever brain deficit that propels you gentleman to send us pictures of your baby makers, please find a way to eliminate that. Women are not visual creatures by nature. It’s fucking science. Bill Nye would tell you you’re doing it wrong, and so would I. Don’t even follow-up a dick pic with anything. Just kill yourself.
“The Gas Pedal”
So, I’m walking away from our numerical exchange…five steps deep and you’re already calling my phone to see if I gave you the right number. That’s cute, girls lie to you. But, now you’re a fucking psycho. Pump the brakes. We have the rest of our lives for you to suffocate me, please don’t do it within thirty-seven seconds of me leaving your side. All this says to me is “I’m probably going to read your phone when you’re in the shower” and realistically I have enough insecurities, I don’t want a man who can’t trust that I’ll do what I say I’m going to do. You want to strike while the iron is hot, but for Christ’s sake make it at least a twenty-minute rule. Go about your business, finish out your day, follow-up when things slow down for you, and she will respond when things slow down for her. Sending me a text within seconds of getting my number makes it look like you’re standing by your computer, collecting them, ready to bust out a “HEY HOW’S IT GOING??”. This type is usually the second-string cock blocker. He most likely has a dick pic in his arsenal ready to fire when you bite. You’ve been warned.
Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t know we were playing a rousing game of MASH on the playground. Before we channel our pre-teen future life predictions, can you lay off the twenty-one questions so I can finish taking a shower? The Ask-hole will inevitably ask you more questions than you’re prepared to answer. He usually doesn’t have a job, and disregards the fact that you might have better things to do then have a date via writing. I often think this type of guy doesn’t have a lot of friends. He asks me questions because he wants me to ask them in return, and frankly…your favorite color is at the bottom of my interests. The only questions you should be asking after getting my number are “What does your schedule look like? Can I take you out?” Then go buck wild tiger, interview me for your female leading role when we’re face to face. Instead of a normal one on one, the ask-hole will make sure that everything he finds out about you is in writing so that he may revert back to it during a heated argument at a later date. You know…when you’ve turned down his unsolicited dick pics, but earlier in the week you answered “Yes” to his question “Are you attracted to me?”
Don’t be fooled by this pretentious heart-throb, deep down he’s just a misogynist pig. He’s the guy who feels entitled to receiving all women’s numbers, because in his eyes, he’s that awesome. After getting your number he will unleash vengeance if you don’t appropriately respond to his sporadic cries for attention. This is the drunk asshole who can’t get his UBER APP to load so he calls you to pick him up downtown before ever even meeting you. If ever there was a bad time for a first date, it’s now…bro. He usually starts off strong, gets you to fall for his wit and charm, and then puts the nail in the coffin with his “I was drunk when I swiped right on you” stabs. He usually lies about who’s on the other end of the text message when you receive the Jekyll to his Hyde lashings, but don’t worry his fake personalities will circle back to the one who pretends he’s genuinely into you again. If you’re patient enough, The PunisHER will provide you with the “Cock Blocker” apology screen shot for you and your girlfriends to giggle over for years to come.
You’d think this one would go without saying. Except I see this one the most. And I repeat all too frequently “This is why you’re single, dude”. And then he’s at my front door telling me why he’s not as big of a creep as I’ve made him out to be. Full circle. This guy doesn’t know how to adequately express what he wants, so he just busts a nut trying to impress you. At this point I’ve given you enough signals to be perceived as disinterest and you’re standing there with your proverbial cock in your hand wondering why I won’t just love you. The creep usually offers little to no value for a woman but wants more out of her then she is willing to give. He’s typically not honest about his emotions. He doesn’t get why you won’t respond, so he sends you a dick pic. His non verbal cues will never sync up with his verbal cues and he is forever dubbed “creepy”.
Be present, be punctual and be persuasive. Women don’t give out their numbers to just anyone (unless you’re me). It’s a privilege, one with very little room for mistake. Nothing kills my flirt buzz quite like a man who’s the perfect everything…but shits the bed when its text time. Jump through hoops to not be one of the five guys listed above and you will inevitably come out on top. Or bottom. Which ever she prefers.
I am a 28 year old single mother of one. Stella Artois, appropriately named after my beer of choice, is my furry four legged child who's only job is to pick out a solid dude from the crapshoot of choices I bring home. We live with my father in an 800 square foot condo in Orange County, awaiting prince charming and enough memories to finish writing my autobiography about more baggage than an airport claim. Nothing keeps life more interesting than online dating, so I'm here to share with you bad dates 1-100.