Why Does He Want to be Friends if He Doesn’t Want to Date You?

Is it just about the sex, or does your friendship really matter to him?
Man, that woman's stare is creepy, huh? She probably understands that this guy's friendship is as flimsy as his post coitus chubby.

Tis a simple question, no? If Marshall McCockNswag doesn't want to date you, why is he still making an effort to be your friend?? Surely any man worth his weight in baby batter would not go through such efforts to hold on to a female friend that he doesn't engage in coitus with… Right? Not true, of course. There are a number of different reasons why this is. There's a post by the always insightful, sometimes super-heroic, Jeffrey Platts where he discusses the theory that your soulmate isn't going to be anyone you know. I suggest you read it. His article makes solid points that I think we sometimes forget and it plays into why a guy will remain your friend, even if he's not wanting to date you. You see, it might be that you're unavailable or you carry that air of unattainable-ness (which you're likely unaware of) that strings a man along. It's in our nature to hold out hope for the things we want. For the sake of this article, I'll keep the “hope” focused on interpersonal relationships.  Some of us live in clutter. No, not like the folks on ‘Hoarders;' we keep mementos; we hold on to sentimental keepsakes; inanimate objects that remind us of a particularly fond memory. We keep this same clutter in our relationships, too. That is, we keep people around that we have an interest in (whether you want to admit to it or not) because it's comfortable or, simply, because we admit our adoration for a person and secretly hold on to the hope we might be with that person some day.

It's not as outlandish as it sounds, kids. I know that there were a good three or four women I kept around as friends because I wanted to be with them. I'm not friends with these women any longer, because I learned that one pssy in the hand was worth the two pssies in the bush (really, no pun is intended. Honest). Letting go of those friendships came with the passage of time and hormones… And getting sex elsewhere. Also, I've kept friendships with women I absolutely had no interest in, but I knew the women had a passing interest in me. Oh sure, I loved the attention. Really, who doesn't love attention from the opposite sex? I kept those friendships because it boosted my self esteem… Honestly, that's what it was. Sure, these women were good friends, too, but there was always this annoying tension that had to be dealt with at some point. It wasn't worth keeping these friendships just to feel like I was “the mother effin' man” (clearly, if you ever say “I'm the mother effin man,” you surely are not).

I culled those relationships in my life; cleared the emotional clutter and cut the crap. You might be asking “So, Alex, what you're saying here is that you think that men remain friends with women they don't date because they want to sleep with them???” My reply is: “Um, yep!” I mean, chances are better than ninety percent that the guy is keeping you around to drop his love hammer on your muffin. Does this mean that guys only think about sex? Pretty much. I've said it before: “We men are simple creatures. Food, booze and sex, just add water.” Oh and when we're ready to stop being selfish, then there's room for love… Until that time, we'll keep you around as a friend.

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Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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  1. Pure brilliance my friend. I put it another way when talking to a female friend of mine, "not every man wants to F you…but, every man will if presented the right set of parameters (those parameters vary, but usually focus on if you are hot, they hope their friends find out about it…if you are not, they will only if noone ever speaks of it again)

    BTW, the month of October will see the return of ClueXFour to regularly scheduled programming. Stay tuned.

  2. Thank you, sir! =)

    You took everything I said and summarized elegantly. I wish I had this power. I know Taylor would appreciate it.

    The parameters you speak of are convenience and desire, or some mix thereof; though, one falls away in place of the other depending on the amount of alcohol involved. No?

    And, yeah, you're slacking off, bro. Get back on that blogging horse!!! Like, quick~!

  3. I do appreciate it. 😉

    Alex sometimes your posts are so eerily timed with events in my life it creeps me out.

    As for this one, thanks for the insight. I've been meaning to post my perspective on this. It looks as if it's time for me declutter my "friends".

    1. Well, you do owe me some articles, girl. 😉 I write this because I had my own clutter to clear out not long ago.

      Glad you found something useful, girl.

  4. Okay I will admit. I'm still a little confused. I mean. I understand. I accept what you're saying (and the summary ClueXFour ;P) but I need more info. I mean. Are you saying that men and women are never truly friends then?

    1. In a word: No. I don't think men and women are ever truly "Just friends." There is sexual attraction; you can hide it or deny it, it's there. Does it mean that you're going to act on it? No. Of course not.

      We are creatures of habit, we have needs; urges. No matter how advanced we become, our nature determines our actions sometimes… The nature of hetero people is to be with a member of the opposite sex; to procreate and find a suitable mate (reverse the order there, obviously).

      That's just my thought. Taylor says I'm wrong. But she's just a girl, what does she know, anyway? 😉

  5. YES men & women can be just friends. this article is mostly discussing why the men you date stop dating you but want to continue a friendship. those men put you in the back pocket for back up. can two people of the opposite sex that never dated or had a sexual relationship be platonic? absolutely, because they aren't attracted to one another. but i have already written about this is length. the moral of the story is that men and women who once had a romantic interaction are not truly platonic. they may never cross the line again but the attraction remains the same as alex has written.

  6. Hmm, but consider that our friendships with the opposite sex are all about fulfilling our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs from a relationship. Sometimes we don't get them all in one place, so we split them and call them friendships. Sometimes we can't get them from a partner and rely on opposite sex friendships to fill the gaps. Since male physical needs seem to dominate his being, it stands to reason that all of his female relationships are a component of that. Either he will have sex with them if the opportunity arises, or she will be able to help him acquire other females.

    This is no different that women placing male friends in the "friend box" because they wan all of their emotional needs taken care of by someone they don't have to sleep with.

    Is it 100%, probably not. But it might as well be.

  7. “I’ve said it before: “We men are simple creatures. Food, booze and sex, just add water.””

    More misandry…

    I know plenty of women whose company I enjoy regardless of sexual attraction either way.

      1. Most often yes. 😉 But in many cases I can’t see myself ever having any sexual relations with them because of, say, circumstances or history or they don’t like me in that way in return. But some women are just so cool that I want to know them for the cool stuff that they say and do.

        1. Okay. I do believe we’re on the same page here. I think we can be sexually attracted to one another and maintain a ‘platonic’ relationship. I think people flat out deny the attraction because they feel that it some how lessens the impact of the friendship, which I don’t agree with either.

          I have more than a few female friends who I find attractive, but hang out with because, like you say, they have cool things to talk about and are interesting.

  8. Standing in a man’s point of view, you are telling the truth. . I like “We men are simple creatures. Food, booze and sex.”
    But a lot of women not understand this simple principle.
    Everybody love attention from the opposite sex. This can be seen on the street that women always wear sexy clothes, make up a lot to attract men’s attention.

  9. I recently met a stranger whom approached me on the street and made the effort to get to know me then eventually asked for my number. It’s now been 4 months and it feels a bit like he’s hanging out with me purely because he’s bored and has nothing better to do. Saying that he makes the effort to see me everyday sometimes twice a day. He does stuff like sending random texts like how are you? and little jokes which could be an excuse to talk to me. I don’t know? sometimes he phones randomly and we watch movies at my house quite often. He offers to help me with everything, work, borrowing me stuff and I feel I know a lot about him. But we are just friends. He made that clear and I’m fine with us being just friends. Yet I cant help but feel curious as to why he’s so nice and wants spends so much time with me?

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