The F*ck Buddy Quagmire.
Pardon the title of this post. I suppose Friends With Benefits would have worked just as well. Anyway, we'll move forward and call them FWBs for now. Many, if not all, of you know what a Fuck Buddy or friends with benefits are. For those who don't know, or have been living under a rock, here's what the Urban Dictionary defines the F Buddy FWB dynamic as:
Often used to describe two people who use each other solely for sexual gratification and nothing else. Usually this is a sexual relationship that still allows for each partner to seek sexual and emotional relationships with other people (hence, no attachments) but can rely on each other for a quickie or a booty call .
The question I have is this: Does such an arrangement hinder us from moving forward and finding a deeper, more meaningful connection and relationship?Like most things, I think it depends on where a person is at in their life and what they're willing to work at with regard to a relationship. What I'm saying is that there's been times in my life where I'm burned out on relationships, yet it's nice to “have someone” to share a connection with. To be even more blunt, I still wanted to get laid but didn't want the additional work that came along with that, typically reserved for actual relationships.
Obviously that sort of relationship is very one sided. I was happy to be “getting some” and not have to worry about what we'd be doing later on in the day. Things were done. That sort of arrangement is great when both parties are in agreement of what they are after. However, in my experiences, mostly it's been a one way proposition, with me being satisfied and leaving the woman hung out to dry. It's not as though I left the expectation that there would be more, but still, that's a bad deal for the girl. I get easy sex and, well, she doesn't really get anything (I'd like to take this moment to state that she got amazing sex… But I'm not going to BS anyone here, mmkay, I'm sure she'd rate my performance as average or “better than bad.”) for her investment of emotion and time.
People involved in these types of relationships, when they get comfortable with them, can become complacent and sometimes overlook other opportunities for meeting someone special, I think. These low maintenance thrill rides comes with an expense. That expense isn't the morning after pill or what not. No, the price is a chance at something real and sustainable. It's easy.
Even though being in a FWB arrangement “should be” without drama, there's usually enough there to where the other person is on our mind. Sure, probably for the sex part of it. However, attention spent on your FWB is attention taken away from yourself and from meeting other potential mates with whom a chance exists at something more meaningful. This may or may not work for someone. Some people are okay with this arrangement and not being in something serious. Others do not fall into this category and may need something more solid. For those that aren't sure where they fall, then it's probably wise to avoid a Friends With Benefits arrangement.
In short, the whole FWB Fuck Buddy thing is fun and it can be that way as long as that's all that you want, but set the appropriate expectation. However, also realize that you might just be missing out on something more substantial and life changing for the better.
Until next time, don't tell your FWB what your real name is… Ever.
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I feel like FWBs can be dangerous and have a very short shelf life. If you try and have this type of relationship for too long it can get messy. Either someone gets attached or hurt etc. They seem fine in theory but have never known one to be truly successful.
While ppl telling me I need to take time out from dating for the next 6mos or so (leaving me w/no sex for a total of roughly 2yrs now if I wait that long) make me think this could be a good way to go post-divorce, I don't think I'll ever do it. I'm typically too much of a lost puppy in relationships. I can't detach as easily as a FWB relationship would force upon me. Thus, I suppose I'm doomed to the non-sex wastelands for 2yrs or so.
Funny and interesting post.
For woman's perspective on the issue checkout:
You know, I get what people say when they say that FWB is danger, messy et al. I get it. However, I think it's not necessarily a bad thing to engage in these types of relationships, or know how to deal with them. I feel this way because it gives one a better perspective on what it is that they really want.
Sometimes, to grow, it is necessary for one to step outside of their comfort box and I think that includes getting into a FWB situation at least once… Twice if you is nastay! =)
I've had the same, awesome fuckbuddy for years. And recently, since he's been out of town on an extended business trip, I found myself a new FWB (I believe the 2 things are different, btw, but that's so another topic). Having someone to have good sex with on a regular basis does not keep me from dating (though I have been known to pick sex with the FB over a first date with a guy I'm not super-excited over, which is perfectly rational as one of those is guaranteed satisfaction) and pursuing more meaningful relationships.
People who become complacent with their fuckbuddies have to re-evaluate those fb relationships and their personal expectations. I KNOW I don't want anything but sex out of that relationship and so it's perfect. And I know he's a decent guy who wants me to be happy. Hell, he was routing for me to get back with my ex at one point.
Anyway, I think what I'm saying is that there are plenty of us who have no trouble making these situations work just fine.
Found your blog through Simone's! I recently found myself in a FWB situation (which I too think is different than a FB), and I don't think it is hindering me. Like you said in your comment, I think it is helping me figure out what I do want. Sometimes in your life you just don't want a relationship either! If you're both okay with that, I don't see a problem with it. Nice blog!
Thanks for the compliment! FWB situations really can help a person sort through their needs and wants and identify what really matters most, all while getting some nookie nook! =) Happy dating!