10 Ways to Fail at Valentine’s Day.

Ewwwwwww!

You're reading this article right now wondering to yourself, “Why? Why would anyone bother to compile a list of such bad ideas?” I'll tell you why, dear reader. You see, I'm well aware of the fact that there are some people out there that wait for a special occasion to breakup with someone. Perhaps it's Christmas, but it's already passed and the breakup didn't happen then. New Year's Eve? Nope! The next logical time to breakup is Valentine's Day, of course. Though, this line of thinking assumes that someone, while they are a bit of a procrastinator, has the “brass ones” to lay down the hammer and actually break up with someone. I'm not writing this for those people, I'm writing this for those passive aggressive types that just can't bring themselves to breakup with their significant other. I'm giving you the tools to use to piss off your partner, wife, husband, boy/girlfriend so much that they will beat you to death with Cupid's soiled diaper. Oh yeah! It's on, bitches!!This is the business part of the article where I give you, the Anti-Valentine Harbinger of Breakups, the tools to commit relationship hari-kari.  That said, let's just get to the stuff…

1. Send Cute Text Messages That Send the Wrong Message – Everyone is insecure to a certain level, regardless of how well adjust a person may say they are… Why not send a steamy “sext” saying how you had an arousing dream about an attractive, mutual, friend that you and your partner have.  Be graphic!  You could write “I thought it was you that was raping me, but it turns out it was your friend, Todd.  It was SO hawt!   I think we should re-enact it.”  Obviously substitute the names where appropriate.  I find that mistaking your partner for a sexy friend can ignite the anti-spark you seek.
2. Stay in and do Dinner and a Movie… A Long and Excruciatingly Non-Romantic Movie with a Microwaveable Dinner – Do I need to write anything else here?  Well, dear readers I'll not leave you in the cold without an idea of how to “warm things up!”  Not a chance!  Go to your local supermarket and pick out your favorite variety of Swanson's TV Frozen Dinners… Preferably the one with that yummy Salisbury Steak.  Nom, nom, nom!  Then, be sure to get your oven ready to go to heat up your culinary masterpiece!  While your getting dinner “ready” be sure to have your movie selected.  There are tons of movies out there that would be appropriate for the occasion, but I'll give you some of my favorites:
   • Waterworld – Not only is horrible, it's horribly long.
   • Any Porno – I'm not kidding.  Find any porno you own and throw it in.  Turn on your DVD/VHS player and watch it.  Don't react or make eye contact.  You watch that porn like it's completely the most naturally correct thing you've done… Ever; like breathing.
   • The Bad Santa – The general consensus on this movie is that it was terrible and I'd argue against that point of view.  However, this movie really underscores humanity at it's worst.  Billy Bob does a fine job of playing an asshole.  The messed up kid in this thing really does it for me.  Be sure to laugh and laugh really hard at the most inappropriate times.
   • Hotel Rwanda – An amazing in-your-face-movie and critically acclaimed.  However, this is not, nor will it ever be, a date movie of any kind.  The truth is that I took TrueDW on a date to see this movie.  It's gruesome and, well, not arousing unless you get off on genocide and Slobodan Milosevic… Actually, there's an idea.  Start getting all hot an bothered during the scene where they are driving over the thousands of corpses… Nothing says “I have issues with Psychopathy and you should run… quickly” like that.
   • Honorable Mention: Revolutionary Road.
3. Skip a Bouquet of Flowers – This idea was given to me by the gal I'm seeing.  Apparently in high school she had been on a double date.  The other guy forgot to bring a gift or flowers.  The guy, realizing his folly, grabbed a coffee mug, ran to the back yard and scooped together some soil and couple of dandelions… DANDELIONS!!  Granted, the kid get's an ‘F' for effort, but apparently this poor hapless teenage boy would have to wait to have sex until he could get a job  and gather the money to pay the local hooker for some heavy petting…  The lesson here is this:  Grab a coffee mug and put some damn dandelions in it, but wait until your date realizes you have purchased no gift.
4. Be the Most Terri-Bad Person You Can Be – “Terribad.”  Terrible + bad, for those who are wondering.  I have a friend that was married for ten years and they had two kids from that marriage.  Yep, they're not married anymore.  My friend's husband not only proposed to her on Valentine's Day, but they got married on V-Day; the real kicker here, I'm sure you know what's coming, is that the Husband straight up divorced my friend on their anniversary!  He said this to her, “I've never, never loved you at any time ever.  I was scared of being alone and thought you were my only chance at being married.  I don't want to see you again.”  I know, you're thinking I'm full of it.  I wish I was.  This guy gets major points for being the most evil guy of all the times.  That's a hell of a title.  I mean, wow.  There are serial killer's who have treated their victims better… To this day, my friend has not heard from or seen her ex-husband, nor has she received any child support.  Straight up “daaaayuuuuum!”
5. Talk About Your Previous V-days With Different Lovers – This one is less ambitious than the previous suggestion.  I find that talking about your exes and your fond memories of them is like tossing matches in a room of gun powder.  It's important to pick talking points that highlight your partner's short comings; things like how your ex's sex drive was so hard to keep up with, how adventurous they were, or how much you loved their family (especially good if you don't care for your current partner's family).
6. Set High Expectations & Deliver Low Returns – Investment people don't like stocks that have a lot of hype and produce a low stock price… How does this translate to you, you lil' heart wrencher?  Talk about Valentine's Day like it's your favorite day.  Talk about how you've got this awesome day planned and how you're going to do these amazing things.  Have your partner call around and make reservations themself!  I mean, really go for the gusto here.  Make plans to jump out of a plane, make expensive and nice dinner reservations.  Then, when VDay comes knocking just play dumb, like you forgot or just don't show up…  The ultra in “dick moves.”
7. Horrify Your Partner With Special Valentine's Day Arts & Crafts – No, these are not the kinds of cards you were supposed to get when you were in grade school.  I'm suggesting that you set up a camera in your room where you normally have sex with your significant other.  Make sure that thing is taking photos when you two are going at it.  Make a scrap book of your favorite sexual experiences and moves.  Include poetry about your partner reminds you of doing your parents.  Really, that should be a strong indicator that your partner should take and run the hell away!
8. Frustration is Fun! – This requires some patience, planning and good acting on your part.  Plan your day out.  Find restaurants or other establishments that you know you can't get into or are not open, or plain closed for business.  Not only that but pick ones that are at least four hours away.  Yes, I said FOUR hours away at least.  That ensures your date won't try to hitch a cab ride home and that they are along for this ride of futility.  Just think of it, place after place, venue after venue are closed, run down or just won't serve you.  Pro tip – Be sure not to eat anything, don't pack water or snacks. Also, think of the most mundane and worthless topics to talk about.
9. Know Thy Significant Other… or Enemy, That Works, Too – Be careful with this tip as it may find you in jail, sharing a prison cell with some big dude that calls you “mija.”  Trust me, not fun.  If you're partner is allergic to cats or dogs, go find a bunch of animals to roll around with, have them pee on you, whatever it is that sets your partner's allergies off, find it and do it!  If they are allergic to milk, make sure to give them hidden extra helpings of lactose goodness!  If they have a fear of heights take them on a blind folded tour of some ridiculous thrill ride or skyscraper.  The strategy comes from removing the blindfold at the right time.  I'll leave you guys to figure that one out.  Jumping from an airplane would be ideal here, I feel.
10. The “Let Down” – Do. Absolutely. Nothing.  Just plainly pretend you forgot about it completely.  Make no comments about it.  If you see anything on TV or hear something on the radio, recite a story of how one of your buddies got pink eye when someone farted on their pillow.  Or, better still, talk about your friends who DID do something on Vday and talk about how awesome it sounded and how you wish YOU had thought of it.

Take these tools, dear readers and use them with conviction.  If this doesn't ruin Valentine's Day then I truly am the worst person in the whole wide world.

Until next time, your significant other hates you.