When you're single on Valentine's Day, nothing in the world seems as bad as having to be surrounded by happy couples for 24 hours. Why should you have to watch people make out on the subway just because it's the middle of February? It's a shitty feeling being trapped in a constant cycle of PDA for an entire day. But there's good news my friends: All of those bitter feelings are going to be completely forgotten about when you wake up the next day– and finally realize that you were, yet again, alone on Valentine's Day.
There are three guarantees in this world: People are going to complain when Facebook changes their layout, you're going to look like shit the first time you run into your ex, and you're going to want to end it all when you realize you just spent another V-Day alone.
Don't panic. Put the Jack Daniels down, stop thinking about that potential drunk dial, and leave Googling the closest gun store for a different day. We want you to stay around long enough to get a chance at that long awaited not-singles Valentine's Day.
In an attempt to keep you from offing yourself in the hours following the loneliest day of the year, we thought we'd throw together a list of things you can do instead of killing yourself after realizing you were alone on Valentine's Day.
YouTube clips of Lindsay Lohan
We're all familiar with Lindsay Lohan. Whether we know her as the fresh-faced kid from the Parent Trap movie or the sassy teenager from Mean Girls, we've all been sucked into watching a movie of hers at some time or another. It's hard to pinpoint when exactly her life went so far downhill (First trip to rehab? Second time she had her lip injections botched? Third time she went to jail?), but whenever it was, it happened pretty fast. There's absolutely no way that your life is shitter than LiLo's. The constant plastic surgery to fix the most recent plastic surgery job is making her look all sorts of Joan Rivers, and I'm willing to bet that, unlike her, you haven't been outed to millions of people for having meth-teeth.
Google Le Xing
You're not that guy, so… You're doing pretty good!
Go to a Twilight screening
Twilight is one of the shittiest movies made in the last 20 years. Coincidentally, Twilight is also one of the highest grossing movies in the last 20 years. How one movie achieves both those things, I have no idea. But it has happened. What's depressing about these movies is that people aren't going to see them ironically or sarcastically– People actually like this shit. The Twilight fandom is bigger than the Star Trek fandom at this point. If you hit up a Twilight screening, you're going to feel pretty damn good about the fact that you're the only one there not wearing a ‘TEAM EDWARD' shirt and sporting a Quileute tattoo.
Do a sit up
Maybe that will help you get a date for Valentines day next year?
Valentine's Day holds the second highest suicide rate annually after Christmas, and while we just made that statistic up, it's still pretty depressing. Don't be just another made up number this year– Instead of killing yourself because of your disappointing Valentine's, do something on this list and feel slightly-less-shitty about your life!
If you'd like to read more of Elliot's witty ramblings, stop by the SexSearch Blog!