Ask the Urban Dater: the Curious Case of Mono-Pause
I was masturbating/going-for-a-walk the other day when I saw the text message to the left. If you're one of them assholes that disables images in your browser like that Linux Hacker fuck-head, then I'll just give you the short curlies of it all: “Bro, I have mono. How do I tell my woman about this?”
Not that mono is a big deal or anything… I thought it was something that people got when they became complacent and bored. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss. Right? Well, Get STD Tested might disagree…
Well, for your benefit dear readers, I decided I was going to do a bit of research so you lazy sons-of-bitches don't have to do it yourself. Besides, you probably know this shit already since you likely have mono or have had it, you dirty slut-bags (I really do love our readers. Really!)
The internet/Google Says:
While the Urban Dictionary defines mono as:
So either homeboy got it from getting to fist base or he got it by sharing food with people… Look. I have to be honest here; in fact, let's ALL be honest here. Where did my man get this bout of mononucleosis? If I'm a betting man, and I bet on those shitty ass Bills to win an NFL championship each of those three times they went to the Superbowl, a lifetime ago, then I'm saying he got it by getting freaky with his woman.
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Ha, I like this article. You bring up some great questions! As a counselor at getSTDtested.com, here’s my take:
1) Mono is NOT an STD. Yes, you can contract it from kissing, but kissing isn’t sex. You can also catch the flu, strept throat, the common cold, etc. etc. from kissing or being in close contact with someone who is sick. That just how day-to-day illnesses and germs are spread. By this logic, there would be hundreds and hundreds of “STDs.”
2) I appreciate the humor of Urban Dictionary (who doesn’t??), but if you want to know more about mono, seek medically accurate information from WebMD, Mayo Clinic, or a real-life doctor. WebMD says mono can be spread through sharing drinks, utensils, and toothbrushes, in addition to kissing. If your girlfriend is doubtful, ensure her that this is a common virus that can be spread in a number of ways.
3) Just in general, always be up front with your partner about STDs and STD testing. Honesty goes a long way! Acting as if you have something to hide only makes a situation worse. But in this case, since mono isn’t an STD, your girlfriend should be understanding.
Best of luck & feel better!
Elissa,
Wow! What’ a legit response to an otherwise asshole post! You’re too kind, dear. =)
As to whether or not Mono is an STD or not, it seems as though we’re splitting hairs. If it doesn’t qualify as an STD (since no intercourse has happened) is there some other term for it? Otherwise I’m going to just call it the “I didn’t hit a ‘homerun’ disease.”
My buddy may be contacting you regarding this matter. Woot!
1. I’m with Elissa on this one.
2. He definitely should tell her, and she should probably make fun of him for getting a virus that is most often contracted by teenagers who consider tonsil hockey an extracurricular! Plus, it’s highly likely that she has already had the virus, which is something that you carry for the entirety of your life; basically, that means that she won’t show any symptoms anyway!
I like your style, Tizz. 😉