A simple guide for any man bringing home a woman into his home for sexy time…

If you're charming enough; if you're handsome enough; if you're funny enough then you have a chance of getting a woman to come home with you after a date or two (or three or four or five…). Good on you, chap!

Before you bed down with the love of your life (or the romp of your night) take a look at your place. Nothing turns a woman off like a home that smells like regret, old underwear, and expired Lunchables.

If you're not a tidy person or one who cleans up well then there's a good chance your humble abode requires some attention.

Where to begin

I could just say Fuck off and hire a cleaning person to do the work for you. But that's not why you're here! Right?

How does it smell?
Living in your place day in and day out probably makes you immune to the fact that your place smells or emits peculiar odoriferous emanations. Invite a friend over and ask them: “Does my place smell like shit?” Be sure to invite your most insensitive friend; or if you have a friend who is a Sociopath even better. You're bound to get an honest assessment of what your home smells like.

How to make the stank go away
Well, get off your ass and clean up around the place. Take inventory of the trash, take it out already. Check the kitchen and the bathroom or anywhere else you have trash just laying around and chuck that shit into the dumpster and light it on fire!

Manly Candle

Candles are your friends, fellas!

Ensure that your place doesn't smell like your asshole and get one of these fine fucking candles. I have them and they work a treat. There's a lot of variety so you can ensure a manly scent throughout your home, like Sandalwood and Double Biceps!
View on Amazon

Open your windows! Get some fresh air into the place. I know a few friends who tend to keep the windows closed and funk stays put; open your windows and air your damn place out already!

Heck, even fresh-peeled orange skin can provide a subtle boost to your home—you won't have to douse your place in Febreeze. Nothing says I want to sex you up like Febreeze (official tagline I just came up with)!

Clean up the clutter

Most women don't like filth in general, so take care to clean up your home and put things away, where they belong.

Pick a room and start cleaning, keep a single-minded focus and finish one room at a time. I know you know how to clean. Put away the Porn Rags, put away your books, and random dirty dishes go to the kitchen for washing, you know what to do. I'm not your Mother so clean your shit already.

I will take this moment to make one thing very clear…

TAKE SPECIAL CARE OF YOUR BATHROOM!

Yeah, the bathroom. If there's ONE, JUST ONE, ROOM in your home that deserves your undivided attention it's your nasty ass bathroom. You know it and I know it. That thing is fucking gross. This is going to require hardcore cleaning.

Look, if your toilet bowl isn't gleaming, sparkly, white then you need to get to work on that AND the rest of your bathroom. Get on your hands and knees and scrub EVERYTHING. Leave no stains behind guys.

I admit to having had a pretty gross bathroom. A few months ago I hired a cleaning person to come and run through my apartment. When I got back I was blinded by how clean the place was. Particularly the bathroom. Everything was sparkling. Especially the toilet bowl. Oh, that poor woman! I owed her a big tip! Again, Lysol and Ajax are your best friends.

Cleaning the Porcelain Throne

Yeah, I just made a shitty GoT reference. Not sorry. The cleaning person brought a regular bottle of Lysol and Ajax. And that's basically what she used on the entire place. She used surface-safe cleaners for my wooden coffee table and such.

Toilet Cleaner
Hardcore Bathroom Cleaner

Other ways to prepare for your sexy sleepover

This should go without saying, but have something your partner-in-coitus can sleep in. Chances are some ratty running or basketball shorts will do. Get a button-down shirt she can wear to bed, or if you have a smaller-sized t-shirt that will work, too!

Have an extra toothbrush at the ready. Again, that should be a no-brainer. A woman will appreciate how thoughtful you are and she'll also appreciate not having dragon breath the next morning.

Bonus points if you have hair clips, hair ties, and cotton swabs.

Why am I doing this, again?

You're doing this because you're not a fucking dinosaur. You're not from the Fifties. You're a grown-ass man who takes care of his home along with his other responsibilities and, yes, you exercise responsibility and care when it comes to women. You care about making others, particularly women, feel comfortable in your presence and your space, in addition to ensuring that a woman feels safe around you.

Keeping a clean home demonstrates that not only will you respect your guests, whether they're friends, or FBBs but more importantly it shows that you respect yourself.

Self-respect and self-care is fucking sexy!

Hopefully, this is a part of your social DNA and not something you have to do.

It doesn't take much…

At the end of the day, a woman wants to know you're not a murderous psychopath and that you're not an alternate on the show Hoarders.

If you can manage to show that you're thoughtful by cleaning up your place so it doesn't look like a pig-pen you're mostly in the clear. If you provide some basic necessities, you'll demonstrate some “big-boy” chops that most any woman can appreciate.

Do you have any home-tidying tips or hacks? Let us know in the comments below!

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