Why You Shouldn’t Date Me…

Over the past couple months I've done me some serious dating. As-in, I've gone out on lots-o-dates with a number of women. I've come to the conclusion recently that I need to open myself up more. 

This post is for you. Maybe we dated, maybe we didn't. Maybe we loved one another. Maybe it was just a fling. Maybe we were on the wrong side of feelings unrequited with one another. Maybe we were only meant to be friends, and explored beyond… Maybe you cheated on me or I you… Maybe we've never met… Make no mistake, I wrote this for you…

Do you like guys who don't know when to be serious? You'll fall head-over-wedges for me.

Do you want a serious relationship right now? Something deeper? I'm only capable of frisbee-deep relationships at the moment, kids. Right now, I just want uncomplicated fun.

Do you like guys who talk tech to you until your ears bleed? You'll be taking me phone shopping in no time!

How do you feel about men who look at you while you're talking and can't repeat a word you just said? You and I are going to yak it up for hours on end; one big Seinfeld episode of nothing!

Do you like a man who withdraws from you when you're just really down and feeling shitty about life? Because I'll definitely leave you alone to go find more awesome folks to hang out with so you can figure out your own shit.

Are you a neat freak? Do you like men who don't clean up well, after themselves? Have I got a ransacked kitchen for you that's just dying for your attention!

How do you feel about incessantly flirty men? Do you like men who can charm the unmentionables off of the female servers? Well, let me tell you, you'll have a front row seat to watch me  fail at doing any of that, yet persist like I've got every chance in the world of doing so!

Do you know who Roberto Duran is? If you do, then you must like quitters! Get ready, cause I'll quit you like a bad habit in five minutes flat if I lose interest.

Do you believe in a higher power? Do you need a man who believes as you do? Not fucking it!

Do you like kids? I don't. So deal with that.

Do you like men who curse like sailors? Well, let's fucking get right to it and declare ourselves asshole #1 and asshole #2 because that's how most people will think of us just based on our profanity-laced dialogue.

I want a toilet seat that never stays down and lifts up when not in use. Thanks, Barney Stinson.

Do you want a man who listens to the same music that you do? Well, fuck off, because I hate your taste in music you damn asshole! No more ReRe, Skrillex or whatever shit-bag band you're into. GTFO!

Do you like men who don't like your friends? Then let's totally hang out with my friends, because they are more awesome simply because I said so.

If you don't like what I've said here, then go kick rocks.