How to Tell a Woman You Don’t Want Kids

the kids talk
the kids talk

Do it early for the sake of fuck, you nincompoop! There. Got that shit out the way REAL quick. Okay. That's it.

Oh, did you want an actual article out of this? Okay. Fine. I'll do you a kindness and pull one from the ol' butt hole here.

If you read this blog; if you know me then you know that kids are nonetimes treat for me. That is, while I like kids I don't want any of my own. A fact that has crushed existing and potential relationships alike. I've already talked about this a time or two, so I'm not going to get into the “why” of it all.

I was asked on the Twitter what the best approach was to tell a woman you don't want children. My gut instinct was to tell the guy to say this: “Look it's not that I don't want kids, I just don't want kids with YOU, you see.” Solid stuff right there. Of course, if I guy doesn't want his nuts kicked off of his body that response just doesn't go over well. Trust me.

Here's a couple “Shouldn't-dos”

  1. Don't wait 2 years to have the “kids” conversation
  2. Romantically pursue women who have kids already. Dummy.
  3. Tell a child-wanting woman how bad-ass a father you'd be. You don't want to be a father, so don't effing talk about it.

Here's a couple “Should-dos”

  1. Have the kids talk during the first few dates. At least see where she stands with them.
  2. Don't lead a woman on. If you're balls deep into… the relationship (see what I did there?) don't lie. Damage has and will be done. More will be done the longer you wait. Speak true to your heart and say you don't want kids.

I'm guilty of leading a woman on and pursuing women with kids at different points in my life. Sometimes desire and being impulsive really harshes a vibe. But this is who I am. I sometimes act on impulse. I just do. I don't like that I do, but I do.

Pursuing women with kids is a no-no unless the mother i aware of your stance and you both know what the “end game” is. And EVEN IF YOU BOTH know what it is, don't go through with it. Stop in  your tracks, both of you should walk away. Feelings have a way of mucking up something that should be simple. It's the nature of the beast, kids. So don't be a douchey dickhead like me and pursue mothers unless you're hyper-really-extra-super-duper sure she's on the same page as you.

With respect to talking about children early on, it's pretty fucking vital and should be taught in classrooms, but it, like the difference between fellatio and sodomy, were not taught to me as a child. Because of this I went into the world lacking some basic knowledge. <– random side-note>  You wanna know? Fine. Because I mistook fellatio for sodomy I spent a good half hour telling my best friend how I got sodomized by my girlfriend in a theater and that it was UHmazing. You think that can't possibly be right. But, yeah, it was. And boy it was amazing… Until I realized that I'd been telling people that I've been getting rammed in the pooper by my girlfriend. Sigh. Moving on…  <// random side-note>

Welcome back! So, having the conversation early isn't hard. In the early stages it's to everyone's benefit to be blunt. Have the conversation on the first date… Within the first ten minutes if it makes sense. Because if you and your date are on different pages you're wasting each others' time. True, you both could share an amazing life together… for a brief time and then it's over. So unless you're a dick bag and enjoy disposable relationships where the woman doesn't know what's up, you should talk about this early.

In case you needed some help broaching the conversation, I've come up with a few examples sure to get things rolling along.

“I can't wait to have a kid so I can get back into Chuck E. Cheese again!” And keep talking about how you have the best candy. Always.

Talk about your siblings (or lack thereof) and ask: “How big do you see your future family being?” You can always jokingly follow up with: “So, your vagina is a clown care, then? That's a lot of fucking kids.” Seriously, though start with your family, siblings and ask her what type of family she wants and if kids are in the cards for her.

Or just simply ask. Whatever her response, be confident with yours. You're not a sick person; you're not a social pariah; you just don't want kids. And you know what? That's okay. Just because all your friends and family and colleagues think you're weird, that you'll come around doesn't mean anything; because you are one and they are many doesn't mean they're right.

You have ONE, just ONE, chance to live this thing. Live it how you want. Don't apologize for how you feel. Not having kids is okay. I know I don't want them. Do I sometimes see two parents holding the hand of a chubby baby and wonder “what if?” Yeah, you bet. That's normal and I'm okay with my stance. It means that my field of eligible ladies is a lot slimmer; but I'll take it anyway and so should you.

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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  1. I really like this. Out of all the times I’ve been dumped/disappointed/etc. by a guy, I never once thought, Wow, I wish he hadn’t told me how he really feels. I am all for encouraging everyone to be upfront with their feelings and intentions in a relationship, even if it’s only to say they don’t know for sure what those are. It’s refreshing to know some men have made it to the point where they can actually do that.

  2. There was no way I could read this and not comment on it…

    I’m a single mom with an awesome kid. Once upon a time I got “involved” with a guy that I knew didn’t want kids. While I didn’t know it at the beginning, the revelation did come out somewhere in the first few weeks that we started talking when I learned to be a better stalker.

    I had the choice to walk away when I found out, but because I was already really into everything else about him I didn’t.

    Though he had a flashing red sign that said “Fuck kids” (no not like THAT) above his head I somehow managed to convince myself that because he knew I had a kid and he still pursued me that maybe he just didn’t want kids of his own and he was cool with mine – it didn’t help matters that some of my girlfriends convinced me of this as well.

    Not walking away was one of the dumbest things I ever did because in the end it left me bummed the fuck out for way too long – but it also was one of the most amazing times of my life.

    That being said, I wish he had found his balls earlier on and been COMPLETELY honest with me from the beginning. We were obviously not on the same page. I know there is nothing wrong with him for not wanting kids – he’s a great guy – but now I harbor some resentment because I feel a bit used even if that was not his intention.

    But I also take responsibility for my part in the stupidity as well.

    My point? If you have a kid, don’t assume someone who is pursuing you or is on a date with you wants one. Maybe they’re just looking for something physical.

    And if you don’t want kids, take Alex’s advice in this post and shout it from the rooftops early on. I think most women just assume a guy wants kids and never even think to bring it up on a first or second date. If you want to avoid a string of angry drunk texts – BE HONEST.

    It’s both parties job to make sure everyone is on the same page from the beginning.

      1. Kudos to you Alex. Being up front and honest from the get go is how it should always be. Stacy im so sorry you had to go through that. Sadly most men think with their other head and on behalf of all men I do apologize.

        I do have a question for you both. One of the BIG things I hear alot is “well you just dont want kids with me. ”

        Um NO. I just dont want kids period. Its nothing against the woman personally I just have a lifestyle and a way of living were my stance is firm. I just dont want em. Now i love kids i can be around them. I just dont want any of my own.

        So Alex first questions for you. How do you handle these types. Youre blog said (refering to me cos i asked you this question a blog back) that your initial reaction was to say “i just dont want kids with you”. Is this how you are? You just havent found the right gal to have kids with. Or are u like me. Firm that you just dont want kids period.

        Stacy next question is for you. Why do women take this so personal. Ive met some great women that i never persued simply cos our ideas and paths didnt align. Taking things personal ruined what could have been awesome friendships with me. Whats your take on this. And to be honest ive always been up front about the kids thing.

        1. Well, my track record in handling this conversation is, well, shitty. I need to be better. So when I wrote I what I wrote I did so from the perspective that “I suck” and that “I need to be better.” That’s how I do and that’s fine. I think with respect to kids, though, you and I share the same feelings there.

          Oh and fyi, “Stacy” is actually Melysa. Just sayin.

        2. I can only assume you called me Stacy because much like her mom I’ve got it goin’ on. Now that we’ve got the whole name thing figured out I’ll give this a go…

          In my case, I didn’t take it personally that the guy didn’t want kids. I took it personally that he led me on – or at least that’s what I felt.

          Sadly I think we could’ve been awesome besties had sex & feelings not clouded everything. But they did and now there’s no turning back.

          Lesson learned for both of us.

          I’m friends with plenty of people that don’t have or want kids. Shit, before I had my son I was one of those people who didn’t want kids either. Then life unexpectedly showed me I did.

          As long as you’re honest from the get-go you’re golden. And NEVER PERSUE A WOMAN WITH KIDS. EVER.

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