The great thing about being handsome is that you're good-looking to both men and women. Personally, I take pride in this dual-sexuality appeal. I'm not really all that handsome of a guy, if you're not my mom (don't be perverted, god dammit!). But I there are still people who think I'm the “stuff.”
Anyway, this tale isn't about me. This tale is about my boy, Rod. Those of you who have read our stuff for a while now, may remember Rod from the tail of Crazy Text Messages. Yep, I'm talking about the same guy.
Thankfully for me and, more importantly, for you he has allowed me to tell another tale of complete and utter brutality. Today, we examine the tale of Rod, a Good Luck Chuck for new era.
If you remember the basic premise of 2007's Razzie Nominated Good Luck Chuck, you might recall that Dickhead MaGee (Dane Cook) had a curse that when he slept with a women, they would find their true love aka the next guy they hook up with… Terrible movie. Enter Rod: “Better than fiction.” There's not a really a term for this… Could we call it “Getting Chucked?” For this article, we'll just use that, mmkay?
Enter the Vag at Your Own Risk
I am to blame at least for some of these instances of Rod getting Chucked. If memory serves me well, I've introduced or put him in a position to meet and date at least three lovely ladies. This was during the times when I really wanted to match up my friends together. Needless to say, I'm an asshole and I no longer play the matchmaking game.
Rod Vs. Herzog O'Hoolihan – Young Rod was ready for combat as he began dating Herzog, one of my best friends, who's been there for me more times than I can count. This lasted a brief few months as a recall. Things started off with great fun, but didn't work out, when Herzog pulled the much reviled rip-heart-out-of-chest-with-bare-hand fatality on Rod… Result? #sadpandaface, Herzog has since, gotten engaged and has a small army of kids and lives in the world of Happily Ever After…
Distance to Matrimonial Bliss? Two dudes.
Rod Vs. Lyrica McSpankyPants and Dormatta Vue – Oh, yes, I remember this one. It was a bit funny how this one played out… Well, at least in the beginning. Rod was on the prowl, you see. He had met a pair of able and eligible bachelorettes at one of my much-hyped Halloween parties. I was impressed, the man was going to tw0-fist his dating life!
Lyrica was a nice gal, who I have known for a long, long time. Sweet as pie she was and she couldn't keep her eyes of Rod. The spent many fun nights together, you know, as most people who are into doing each other are wont to do. That's not the funny. The funny, then, you ask? Some days, he'd get in his car and drive a block and half over to Dormatta's place to hang out with their wang out. Yes, the two women he was dating were a mere block from one another. Rod, I think, at first was annoyed and worried by this unexpected convenience, but later grew fond of the opportunity it provided. The opportunity cost was certainly in his favor.
As with most things in life, if it's good, it must come to an end. Eventually Rod stopped hanging out/calling Lyrica in true “fade-to-black” fashion (aka simply “the fade”). He ended up dating Dormatta for over two years before she left him, got engaged and moved out of the country all within a years' time.
Distance to Matrimonial Bliss? One dude. Let's fast forward a year and some change…
Rod vs. Slutty Dorothy – Now, this one didn't last too long. Rod had suffered a pretty epic breakup and do you know what the cunning runt of a man did? He went and dated his ex's best friend! Well played sir, well played indeed! Slutty Dorothy (no offense to sluts around the world. I love you kids) was, well, slutty-hot. It happened at yet another Halloween party that their brief three month long stint of passion was coming to an end. Was it angry-nerd complex that kiled the relationship, or was the gal seeing someone on the side? The world may never know. All I can tell you is that the relationship ended at the end of this party. She broke things off with him, wearing a Slutty Dorothy outfit (hot, right>?). She ended up getting back with an ex and getting engaged within a few short weeks…
Distance to Matrimonial Bliss? Whoosh!
The moral of this story kids? Being Good Luck Chuck sucks worse than that shitty movie ever did… Oh! And stop meeting people on Halloween! Yeah!