Are All Who Wander, Sexually, Lost?

Women and Casual Sex

Here's an interesting tweet that I saw retweeted and to make sure the context is correct, I've included the screenshot below.

Women and Casual Sex

 Now, I gotta be honest with our readers here, I stepped in a bag of shit when I started tweeting and writing about this on Twitter and then our Facebook Page. How? I misquoted what Zara said about women who engage in casual sex. I didn't quote her whole tweet and then on the FB page I said that she said women were insecure. Clearly she didn't say that women are insecure. So I'm taking this moment to apologize for being a schmuck and a putz. I'm truly sorry. Zara can put me in a headlock and punch me in the left ear if it would help. Though, I tend to like that sort of stuff… Hmmm…

Let me be clear, before I get started: I'm not attacking Ms. Green at all. I simply disagree with this tweet and I'm writing about that. That's it. I think the topic is an excellent point for debate.

140 characters clearly isn't enough to convey some opinions in the Twitterverse and I'm sure there's a lot more this out there that Zara has written on the subject. That understood, Ms. Green calls it as she sees it in her tweet. Women who get down casually are lonely and desperate. Yowza! Let's get our self-lovin' on. It's about to get bumpy. Clearly, I don't agree. It's not clear whether this applies to men, in her opinion, or not.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you all that casual sex carries no risks. That's simply not the case. There is certainly damage to be done emotionally and even physically when engaging in sex outside of a relationship. The herp comes to mind as do a number of other burning, itching, oozing diseases that we've all learned about first hand or second/third hand from friends and family. /End disclaimer.

Desperate and lonely people really have no business being in a relationship in the first place! Who cares if it's casual or not?? My opinion has always been that you gotta be okay with yourself first before getting into a relationship. If someone who doesn't have a strong sense of self goes and tries to get in any relationship, be it serious or casual there's a good chance they're going to get hurt. People that fall into this category may, in fact, be desperate and lonely. What about everyone else?

Casual sex can be freeing and can be a very, very positive experience and one that isn't just pursued by the desperate and lonely. It all starts with a healthy dose of honesty and self-love. Yes, sexually active people not in long-term relationships can be both honest and have self love as much as those who are married and/or in a committed relationship. Which begs the question: How many people do you know who are married/committed that aren't honest with themselves, or their mate, within the context of their relationship? *Raising my hand here, I know such people.

Why would you want to engage in casual sex?

  • Studies have been conducted that many times, people often get married to people they didn't have a romantic and monogamous relationship with at the start. Things started off casually and, over time, grew into something deeper.
  • From personal experience, casual sex/relationships helped me to better understand what I was looking for. Having casual sex with women actually brought me into deeper, more rewarding relationships. I gained confidence in myself; more importantly I began to understand what I did want and what was important to me from a relationship perspective. I was searching for something more meaningful.
  • Casual sex, often, appeals to those who don't have time, willingness or interest in engaging in a deeper relationship dialogue. Because a person doesn't want a relationship; has no time for a relationship etc, does not make them insecure or necessarily lonely. They simply know what they do and do not want. Nothing wrong with that.
  • As I touched on, sex is a healthy human thing to do. Sex on a regular basis promotes self-confidence, it can promote greater stamina, beard growth (not on women, I'm pretty sure) and a bunch of other cool shit.
So that's what I think about casual sex. What do you guys think? I'd love to know! In the meantime, leave a comment and follow @zaragreen and tell her what I loser and hack I am. 😉 Or just tell that I really am pretty fly! Word!
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Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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  1. Oh Alex,

    Can’t leave you alone for a second without you getting caught up in a web of twitter pain! 😉 Think before you tweet… although in this case it makes an amusing backdrop for a very good debate.


    1. Grace,
      I need adult supervision apparently. My partner Taylor agrees. Could you please watch over me, make sure I don’t do stupid things? Perhaps you can also feed me grapes, too. =)

  2. I’ve never believed casual sex was “freeing” personally. I think we’ve all heard it hyped up by media (tv,radio,cosmo,gq,etc) so we THINK it is and to think differently to media makes you weird! It is said “it’s all in the mind”. So if u believe casual sex is “freeing” you’ll grow a fantastic beard after many shagathons.

    However in practice and over time casual sex makes you feel the opposite of what you’ve mentioned. Problem then becomes how to break a habit that used to build confidence but now makes crushes it.

    1. There’s truth in the notion that perception is reality. I can’t point at stats to tell you that what I’ve said is, in fact true. What I can tell you is that Casual Sex, for a comfortable and confident person is “freeing” and is also a boon for self confidence/self esteem. What I can tell you is that those who have an active and healthy sex life do have higher self-esteem and self image.

      That said, should you have casual sex if that’s not what you’re after? No.

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