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Why Men NEED Female Friends They DON'T Sleep With.

Yes, you read that title right.  If you're a guy then you need to know and understand that you NEED female friends like the Hamburglar needed to burgle a burger every now and again.  Don't you want to burgle something sometimes?

Guys, you need female friends that you don't have sex with.  It's true!  However, why is it true?  My friends, let me tell you about it…I know the value of having female friends, the kind that really are friends.  I've written before on how I believe that true friendship between men and women doesn't really exist.  I maintain that opinion and believe it to be true.  While a true platonic friendship may not be possible, in my opinion, being friends is.  Through the years I've amassed a somewhat decent sized network of female friends, some of whom are my very best friends; aka women I haven't slept with… Actually, recall hearing a guy state that a female friend was simply a woman you haven't slept with… Interesting.  I don't think the whole attraction thing ever really dies, I just

To better understand why I place such a high value on female friendship, we must briefly travel back in time, when I was a little Urban Dater, knee high to twenty stacked boxes of tampons.  Back then my world consisted of my mother, my grandmother, my Aunt and my cousin; all females, with only my poor grandfather to balance it out… I learned to understand that just because something bled for seven days and didn't die didn't mean it was all evil.  It just meant that I should do the following: Run. Fast! Listen. Compliment.  When I was a child, I think I managed to do all of those things at the same time one of these women would have a melt down.  I now understand why my grandfather would take working gigs up in Alaska, for the summers, but I digress.

Fast forward to present day; I had a solid foundation to work from where it concerned women… I always seemed to make friends with women easier than guys; a fact that made me want to club baby seals.

However, I learned that women who were “just friends” were the most valuable weapon in my arsenal when it came to dating for a number of reasons, some of which I'll list:

  • Your platonic female friend will tell you, straight up what they think of the women you're interested in.  Women know feelings and know emotions, they tend to be better at empathizing.  These things really help when you want to get to the bottom of how your lady things.  Generally speaking, if there's a girl I'm really into, I make damn sure she's met ALL of my female friends.  I need to know what they think, I value their opinions.  The wall of estrogen has not yet failed me.
  • If the girl you're into is on the insecure side, there are a couple of options.  If you're a bit of a jerk, or a lot of a jerk, then you can exploit this by talking up your female friends all the time and see how your beau responds.  However, if you're like me, you don't like insecure women.  There's nothing wrong with a woman having many male friends, conversely there's nothing wrong with a guy having many female friends, in my opinion… If my love interest is relationship material, she's has to be able to handle this fact; that I have female friends.
  • Your female friends will open your eyes in many ways, perhaps to things you hadn't really thought about or taken notice of before.  It could be the arts, find food and drink, great film, books.  The list goes on.  Guys, I'm not saying that you need surrender the things that make you a man.  No.  A woman won't respect that.  However, understanding where a woman is coming from is key; knowing how to relate, how to engage in a variety of ways is key.
  • One of the single most important reasons to have platonic female friends is to see HOW THEY deal with relationship issues.  If your female friends are in a relationship, they're going to come to  you, confide in you and ask of your advice and opinion.  This is a very good thing.  Sure, you're being there for a valued friend.  Don't miss it for the opportunity it provides.  The opportunity is to see how women deal with a situation; you're able to see how they feel; how they think and how they cope.  Take note of the questions, understand the needs that are expressed.

Sure, there are those that would say “Can't you do this with women that you have sex with?”  I suppose you could, I've tried it, but it's just not the same.  Sex, unless it's with an FB, just complicates things too much, women don't need that sort of drama in their lives, as much as we men are happy to “be there.”  Your platonic female friends not only can teach you something about women and how they think, how they are when vulnerable, but they can be a true barometer for your relationships with other women.

Until next time, guys, stop fondling your female friends.  Pervert.

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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20 Comments

  1. I'm still confused how you're resolving being against men/women being able to be friends before you are in favor of it being possible, Mr. Kerry. Personally, I don't think it's possible. To me, it's like casual sex. Eventually, the heart steps in and it either stops altogether or escalates a la "When Harry Met Sally."

    I can see the value in having female friends you mention here. But, having been tossed to the Friend Zone many a-time myself, if you want more from the situation, it FREAKIN' SUCKS. That is all…

    1. My babydaddy and I have been on and off for amout 6 yrs. He proposed to me we live together. But I constantly find him meeting new females,taking them out to eat,chilling,drinking with them but his defense is IM NOT HAVING SEX WITH THEM. I break up with him but he swears he only wants me. I dont know what to do.

  2. My brotha' from anotha' motha'. =)
    You, of course, make an excellent point. What I'm saying, I feel, is less of a "flip flop" ala Kerry and more of a concession.

    I know that no matter how hard I try, I'm going to have female friends that I find attractive, physically and mentally. That's the nature of the beast and I've made peace with that. Making that peace means that I have to recognize and respect that attraction.

    The steps I take are enough to keep things friendly. For instance, if I were to hang out with a female friend that I'm attracted to a lot, then I know that my feelings would grow stronger for that friend. Thus, I have to be careful about how often I hang out with that friend. Some female friends I know I shouldn't have drinks with… The list goes on, but the point is that I recognize that these female friends are friends for a reason, they give me so much! However, respecting the natural laws of attraction helps me to be a friend and, in some ways, to be better at courting a woman.

    I know it sounds weird and full of contradictions, but I really don't think so. I've simply said: "Yeah, I have some attractive female friends and it's okay if I am attracted to them. It doesn't mean that I have to act on it. I have to keep myself in check." In that way, I feel I'm very honest with my feelings and perceptions…

    Never fail to recognize an opportunity when you see it; being in the friend zone isn't always such a bad thing. That's another topic, though. =)

  3. Alex I'm surprised you wrote this. Yes I know you have several femaile friends, myself included in that group but I know your thoughts on the nature of men and women being platonic friends. Is it fair to say that you are admitting that my article on male/female friendships is correct?! 😉

    I agree with you, men and women need friends of the opposite sex that they haven't slept with. I know that the men I am friends with, yourself included, bring a lot to my life that my female friends don't. You guys see through the bull to the heart of the matter. What was it you yelled at me on my couch regarding my relationship? Exactly, you give the great advice that we need to hear without the sugarcoating. Nice piece.

    1. Taylor, sweetums, =).
      I think the part where you and I differ is the bit about attraction and what a true platonic friendship is. I think we agree why friends of the opposite sex are key, especially those not slept with. However, I stated that men and women share a connection to one another, and innate attraction, that is hard to deny, because of that it makes platonic opposite sex friendships nearly impossible. You stated that you and a friend of yours was like a brother or sister to you and that neither of you felt an iota of attraction to the other… That's where I hold up my BS card. I think attraction is there and that impure non-platonic thoughts have crossed the plane before…

      No dear, we still disagree. 😉

      1. Taylor no sale.

        Women and men are different, taylor just wants a fool to complain about her boyfriend to.

        Its a big thing to have a man agree with you when you complain about your boyfriend as opposed to a woman.

        Not to mention the insight gained from having male friends about men.

        Women are simply better at controlling discrimation what i mean is that they can distinguish between the men they will romance/sleep with and the men they won't.

        Men are wired differently given nature they are designed to procreate with any attractive woman and most likely sharing a friendship with an attractive female will lead to futher feelings. This is less likely to happen to women because they know exactly what they want in each man they interact with unless they get tricked or played etc.

        A hetrosexual man cannot have a true platonic friendship with a woman like a woman can have with him he is simply not wired to.

        1. "Taylor just wants a fool to complain about her boyfriend to." first off, do you even know me? no you don't. so fuck off with that comment. when did i say that is what i wanted.

          a big thing to have a man agree with me? since when? it's called friendship and when i talk to my friends i don't need them to agree nor do i think it's amazing when a male friend has the same opinion as my female friend. and just because a man is a man doesn't mean he always has insight into what another man is thinking. people are different. gender doesn't mean you have the same thoughts.

          i will agree with you that women are better at controlling their feelings, impulses. there is a reason we are called the fairer sex.
          as for this "men are wired" crap. that's a BS excuse. are you a scientist? stop making excuses such as being wired. own the choices you make, the feelings you feel. i'm tired of the spreading my seed argument. do you need to jerk off every time you get a boner too? i mean you're wired that way right? to release your seed and to procreate with every woman you find attractive regardless of where you are. you must be the guy i see humping women on the subway.
          a heterosexual man can be just friend with a female, i'm sorry that you're not capable of it.

          My recent post We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming…

  4. Problems set in however, when you do start dating someone and have many female friends in your life. The one your dating gets verrrrry suspect…

    1. This is true, but I'd offer that communication is key here. Communication and reassurance. I've told my gal where I'm going to be and who I'm going to be with. It's not a problem. If she asks I tell her. If she has a problem, we talk. It doesn't always resolve nicely, but it's a hurdle. All relationships are, are a series of hurdles. =) Just gotta get over em.

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  7. My fiancé has a whole harem of female friends, but he has lots of guy friends as well. I agree with your article. There is almost always an undercurrent of attraction that is sexual in these relationships – nature of the beast and all that – if not on one side then the other. I think it is possible to not be that sexually attracted to a friend. But straight men also turn gay in prison, don’t they? So if the camaraderie exists the sex part could always follow. That’s why when in a dating situation a person needs to have boundaries with the opposite sex friends. There’s always that possibility it could become more even if a strong sexual attraction really doesn’t exist.

    This is precisely why I trust but verify with my fiance’s female friends. I keep an eye on these relationships and if ever I feel uncomfortable – as was the time when one such friend was continuously texting – I let him know I feel it’s inappropriate and why. Communication is the key, and so is meeting the platonic friends in question and hanging out with them as a couple. Another key is not treating platonic friends as substitute boyfriend/girlfriend. No dating situations (late night movies, dinners, drinks, dancing, etc. all alone) No escorting them to couple-like events like weddings and so on, no hugging, kissing, hands holding. I don’t do this with my girlfriends, I don’t do it with my guy friends. And of course if you’re in a relationship, your significant other should come first, period and the opposite sex friends should respect that.

  8. Having a female friend you don't sleep with makes it platonic. I agree but that we have to even label it makes it odd. To have a female friend who will tell you like it is is the best thing in the world. And as someone said in a previous post, they will tell you straight on what they think about anyone you may be interested in. As we get older, and I am sure that happened to me while I wasn't looking, the need to find an encounter diminishes. I have gone to seeking a woman with a pulse to a woman who can converse, says goodbye when football comes on and can cook a decent meal. With these friends I do not go up and hug them and say "How are you doing my platonic friend?" I guess the term is to help others understand your relationship status.

  9. Oh but that more men could carry this sentiment! I truly wish that I had more male friends. But how many times has a friendly dinner invite turned into an awkward avoid-the-grope-fest? I know many women who carry a similar lament. Men: we want you as friends. Why don't you want us? Do you know how crappy it makes us feel when you cease to call after you've discovered that there will be no pussy served with the pasta? Is our intellectual company, our warm companionship, our splendid advice, really not worth the risk of possibly having to squelch your attractions?

    Alex, I understand the sentiment of your previous post arguing that men and women cannot be friends, but I would disagree that the occasional misplaced feeling or hand disqualifies a friendship. I would say that these things are forgivable: as you say, natural expressions of the male-female biological priority. In my humble opinion, what disqualifies the friendship is when it is dissolved because either party declines to reciprocate the romance. Such a friendship is one based on the expectation of sex, rather than the honest appreciation of the other's companionship.

    Dear men, please listen to Alex. Stop fondling your female friends. And if you do slip up, then have a laugh with us, and then take us out for coffee and a cupcake.

  10. Why all the game playing? Pathetic stupid childish games. If your a man why not just be straight up and have a adult relationship with a woman. Enjoy the experience and grow with it. Why do you need all these female friends ? Is it a crutch to cover up how you really think about yourself ?

  11. being friends and sex are apples and oranges

    Someone can still be a friend if you have slept with them, they can be a friend while you’re sleeping with them, and they can be a friend when you’re not.

    The only difference is the mindset of both people. Unfortunately society lumps relationships in these categories:

    friends
    fucking
    monogamy

    And so 99% of people don’t think outside the box and then get super confused when reading about anything other than those 3 things. Either super confused or angry like they’ve been violated angry.

    Any man would sleep with any girl he finds attractive, period, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be friends with her, which I think that’s what you’re saying.

    Anyone who says “A female friend is a woman I haven’t slept with yet” is just regurgitating something he heard from someone else because it sounds cool, it is provocative and it is, according to the societal lumps above, technically true.

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