6 Ways to Leave the Gold-Digger Behind

I knew she was a gold digger when she picked me! Sorry, I kinda had to go there.

Whether you were born into money or you’re a self-made man, you will no doubt encounter the infamous gold-digger at some point in your dating history.  You know the type.  When the bill shows up at the end of the meal, she doesn’t even lift a finger, but rather looks at you expectantly, as if daring you to ask for a split instead of paying in full.  Or she may insist that you take her shopping, point out expensive items that she expects you to buy for her, or even ask you for loans.  Likely she doesn’t have a job, and yet, she still finds a way to wear designer dresses and drive a Mercedes Benz.  All of these are sure signs that you’ve hitched your wagon to a money-hungry hoover.  If you find yourself in this delicate situation, there are a few things you may want to do to extricate yourself seamlessly from the situation.

1. Lose her phone number.  The easiest way to get rid of a gold-digger is to sever communications.  To that end, you might also want to lose your phone…permanently.  If she’s not getting anything out of you, she’s bound to give up eventually and move on to easier prey.
2. Accuse her of stealing.  Then threaten to call the police.  Gold-digging dames are nothing more than grifters looking to score on some unassuming piggy-bank of a man.  She may act indignant when you say she stole your Grandma’s diamond watch (which you actually bought for her last week), but when you explain to her that you are a respected member of the community who donates at the Policeman’s Ball every year, she’ll get the hint and hit the road.
3. Convince her you’re bankrupt.  Nothing will send the natives in search of sustenance faster than the well drying up.  So let her know that you’ve lost it all and it’s only a matter of time before the creditors come for everything.  You can even get some friends to pose as repo men come to take your possessions.  She’ll likely be out the door before they move a stick of furniture.
4. Fall in love.  Well, not really.  Just start dating someone else and let her know that she is no longer in your affections.  She might try to fight it by utilizing her extensive feminine wiles, but eventually she will tire of beating a dead horse and move on to greener pastures.
5. Make her pay.  If she hasn’t gotten the hint from your refusal to proffer the pricey gifts she expects, then inconveniently forget your wallet one night (for example, the night you visit a five-star restaurant).  She’ll be so disgusted at having to pay that she’ll probably never want to see you again.  Then neglect to pay her back.
6. Go nuts.  Or at least act nuts.  Shave your head, spout gibberish, and generally act like you’ve lost your marbles.  Then book yourself a little stay at a “health spa”.  No really, go to a spa for a few days.  Just let her think it’s a clever synonym for the loony bin.  Chances are good that she won’t even try to find out where you are.  And you’ll come out of it relaxed and ready to meet the woman of your dreams.