Lists. We keep lists for a variety of reasons. Mostly we keep and maintain them so that we don't forget things. Lists are useful they provide a method of organization. However, I'd contend that the usefulness of a list begins and ends at remember stuff and organizing other stuff. No, really! Lists are dumb when used for other crap!
Case in point, I was once a young and nubile man, straddling my early twenties with great veracity! Okay, maybe that's not true. I was a fucking asshole and my social life, at the time, involved a lot of masturbating, making dumb jokes and engaging people in small talk. I've advanced a lot in life since those days, I don't even bother making jokes anymore. Another thing I did when I was younger was kept a list of desirable, if not required, traits in the women I would hopefully engage in coitus.
That early list looked something like this:
- Big tits
- No Shorties
- No Fatties
- No smarties
- No Dummies
- Reasonably tight vagina
- Willingness to sleep with me
- Willingness to let me touch her vagina, boobs and butt.
- Tattoo above the vag or above the crack.
- No missing teeth
- Makes more than me
- Younger than me
- Be a virgin
- Adept at blowjobs
- At least 5'10” but no taller than 6'0″
- Dark hair only
- Green, blue eyes only
- Understand Magyar
You're looking at my old list and I know what you're thinking: “Man, this guy knows what he wants!” You're damn right I did!
However, I wasn't getting dates or making connections with women. I would concede that the Magyar requirement was a bit much… But only grudgingly so.
That list of requirements handcuffed me for nearly a decade. When I finally shared my requirements with a friend of mine. He laughed at me and suggested that I should really only think about the important stuff and work from there.
I took this sage advice and deconstructed that list and paired it down to the most basic needs…
- Doesn't have boy breasts
- Breathes… aka still living
- Like food
With that greatly modified list I had something to work with. I went back to my buddy and shared it with him. He could only look on and shake his head in disappointment. “Bro, why are you so dense,” he chided. He went on to say that my initial list was lame and that my second list was even worse. He said I should be more forgiving and realistic.
I went back to the drawing board to see if I could come up with something more realistic. After giving it thought and considering where I was at in life. The following list was born out from that deeper introspection.
- Minimal daddy issues and/or mommy issues
- Can deal with the fact that I'm damaged goods
- Doesn't weigh more than my refrigerator
- Can carry me, if I get pissed drunk
- Has most of her teeth
- Doesn't look repulsive in stretch pants
- Able to deal with the fact that I'm a complete prick because I have trust issues and that I do not suffer circus clowns lightly
- Oh and… uh… female
Again, my friend and I reviewed this list and he looked at me. He didn't say anything, yet his look said everything else. I interpreted my buddy's look to mean: Ain't nobody in the world that's going to fit your list perfectly. There just isn't. Get over it and find someone whose crap you can deal with.
Eventually my list became:
- Willing to deal with my bullshit
- Won't try to kill me
“But, the Urban Dater, isn't that settling!!? What the f__k is wrong with you!!?” Calm down, people. Settling on a good thing isn't a bad thing at all! “Listen you c__t face, I don't read this crappy blog to have people tell me to ‘settle' for someone. Where's the actual good advice, you no talent a__ hat?” Whoa, whoa! Like, whoa! Hold on El Tigre. There is a difference in what I speak of. I have met so many people that shackle themselves with lists; they don't go out and seek new connections because they don't meet every item on their check list! There's a difference between a check list and having standards, many people get the two confused. I got them confused.
Upon further reflection and nights of drunken philosophical debates with countless homeless peeps brought me to the following list
- Likes trying new things
- Likes being active with me
- Likes my family
- Likes my friends
- Likes talking
- Wants to be my best friend
- And maybe some day, just some day she wants to be my one and only for the rest of our days.
See the difference? I know I don't mention anything about looks and that's because if someone is engaging us in the ways we need to be engaged we become attracted to that person even more. Attraction takes shape in many more ways than a tight skirt and skimpy top could ever hope to achieve.
One Last Tidbit…
That buddy of mine, who sat through my list explanations, passed away some years ago, but it was those humorous moments of debate and reflection that I still remember even to this day. Rafi, thank you for helping me be less of a turd. Drinks or on me tonight, sir.