Poor sap! Doesn't even know his hand is too high! Lower, man, lower!
Hind sight is twenty/twenty, a bunch of wise people once said. Just ask Neville Chamberlain or Mrs. Lincoln. Women are still largely a mystery to me, but I’ve put many of the pieces together through the years. It’s helped me understand not only women better, but also myself. That said, I began thinking of things that I wish I’d known about women as I hit puberty with a mixture of awe, shock and utter horror. If I could go back, this is what I’d probably tell myself.
- All women WANT to be wanted. If they say otherwise, they’re lying to you.
- Kneeing a girl in the crotch really does hurt.
- They think about sex as much and sometimes more than you do…
- All women have issues… Don’t be a judger, fella. So do you!
- All women think they’re fat.
- Don’t try to tell a woman she’s not fat. She won’t believe you.
- Sleeping in the same bed with a girl with whom you wish to engage in coitus is among the cruelest of cock teases.
- Check her ID.
- Nice guys do finish last… Your woman will LOVE this about you, in bed. 😉
- Fortune favors the bold. Go after her!
- She might break your heart. Hey! At least you tried! Sometimes, life is about saying “at least I tried,” and not wondering about “What if.”
- Love is a two way street. So is attraction.
- If you can make a woman feel like the most interesting person in the room, you win. This is also known as “listening.”
- The most destructive force of nature are the boobies.
- Don’t worry about it; she’s had better than you… and if she stays with you then she might be a keeper.
- Don’t put the pussy on a damn pedestal.
- Older women freaking rule!
- Younger girls (not women, mind you) aren’t ready for you.
- Know your “spots,” guys and you’ll be a hero.
- Unless your woman isn’t really a woman or just a really kinky person, she couldn’t possibly sodomize you in a theater. It’s called fellatio, dumb ass.
- (Bonus) You’re gonna be alright, man. Someone will love you, even if you are a bit douchey from time to time. In all likelihood, many someones will love you. Trust me on that.
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I've followed rule #9 my whole life and I still got cheated on, cholo 😉 But at least #21's there to boost my douchey self esteem, right?
Well, hold on to your cock, bro. Here's a bonus bonus:
22. If all else fails, donkey punch her!
You're KIDDING, right? Dude, that's somewhat rare, to meet guys who do finish last (I think I may be blushing while I write this). So what were those girls thinking?
Ha! Don't throw kitties into the sun btw…
Thanks for this list. Personally my fav is #10, even more than #12. Guys are a bit cowardly these days. If you like her, go for it. But as you said in #12, if it's clear she doesn't, move on.
I wish my 8th grade BF had read this…
You were dating a boy in 8th grade? Pretty sure that's not legal, Kel. I'll keep it under wraps though. It'll be our little secret.
I had so many favs along the way but #14 is definitely laugh-out-loud worthy.
Please destroy me with your boobies. K? Thanks!
Effin' awesome! Love the whole list.
I take issue with #5. A LOT of black women have no idea how fat they are, as evidenced by too many of them stuffing themselves into spandex and offending my delicate sensibilities at the WalMart. (I can say that because I'm black, and NOT fat…or am I?)
Well, I think I'm the only woman I know who doesn't think I'm fat (even if I know I'd be better off with 10 fewer pounds). But let me just say: NUMBER NINE. Please, guys, please: DO this.
Now I'm definitely blushing. Even when I'm speaking in code. I'm so vanilla.
Fantastic! This post should be taught to all teenage boys as part of sex ed, get them educated early so they don’t end up clueless adult males! If only the men’s mag had such true and practical articles! One extra thing that (sadly) really needs to be added is:…22. Making out in a nightclub is not counted as foreplay so when you get her back to your place don’t just whip out you dick and expect to stick it in without laying the all important ground work, hands and tongue please!
@SashaPeakall well, this sort of thing happens as a result of being a clueless young adult male… Not getting high school play certainly didn’t help either.
However, I’m a firm believer in the fact that foreplay is fun-play all the way around. You don’t bake cookies in a cool oven. Right?