The Anatomy of a Crazy Text Message.

Men have it tough! You women are scary, scary creatures. A crazy woman, theoretically, could beat the snot out of platoons of trained killers. Imagine the carnage if Xerxes unleashed an army of crazy women on Sparta. 300 doesn’t get made. Damn. That’s extreme!

The power of text messaging is pretty amazing. It’s amazing because one can really send out messages and express their thoughts and feelings and take the time to craft them appropriately. Sure, we can’t “feel” text messages, the absence of tone and emotion, among other things, make it quite difficult to decipher what the true meaning of text message are sometimes.

That said, ladies, take heed; the following is a string of text messages from a crazy woman to a good buddy of mine. Don’t be crazy! Stop it! That said, read on:

I’ll paint the picture for you. My friend, Rod, recently broke up with his girlfriend. He was looking for some non-committed coitus. While out at a local bar, he spies a good-looking girl. They talk; exchange numbers and plans to meet on a Monday are set in motion. They met, I believe on a Friday or Thursday. The girl in this story is Melina.

Melina: Can’t wait to see you on Monday!
Rod: Me too! Should be fun
Melina: I wish we could see each other sooner
Rod: I can’t. Got too much stuff going on. Good things come to those who wait.
Melina: I can’t assume anything hun. You have ur friends and a busy sched. So I can’t force myself into it and babe, if u have questions, ask away

A Day Later…

Rod: Ahem, you have called me like 6 times today, lol
Melina: On accident! My ass called you! I do want to see you!
Melina: love to c u but made a promise and yes called a bunch of times on purpose and accident to hear your voice, so there. Ttu soon.
Rod: Please, don’t call me so much. I know you want to talk to me but I have things I’m doing. I will get back to you as soon as I can. I know that one call was an accident due to the msg. We’ll just have to wait till Monday.
Melina: I never knew that was a problem. Got it. Just wanted to clarify and just don’t answer like you haven’t been doing, you still don’t get charged. Bye
Rod: What? I’m confused about the second half of your message I’m not answering because I’m at a party and I think it would be rude to talk. (Rod, has told this girl to chill out a few times now..)
Melina: You told me not to call so much and I’m sorry I did. Just wanted to clarify the accidental calls. Have fun and I’ll talk to you when I’m allowed.
Rod: Allowed? To call me huh? Maybe u didn’t mean it that way, but I don’t like the way that sounded
Melina: You know I like you. That’s not a secret. I guess I’ll just talk to you later. Good night, be safe and have fun.
Melina: I don’t call to annoy u or re-emphasize that I’m on your cock. I like you, that’s it. If I choose to call you because I like to talk to you, that’s a diff’ story
Melina: I like you, Rod, but don’t like the assumption that I’m on your shit. Let it go already.
Melina: I’m really buzzed and am being a bitch. Look, have fun and forget what my dumbass has to say. I like you paisa, A LOT, let’s mak.

Several minutes later, with Rod at the party, still. Rod goes to drain fertilize the Petunias and Melina calls on his phone, which he left at a table with his other friends…

Melina: Don’t call me ever again! (She had spoken to Rod’s friend, and hung up on the guy)
Rod: Wow. That was my buddy. He wanted to talk to you and say hi. Didn’t mean to make you angry
Melina: yeah but I’m being compared to what you want. I’m done.
Melina: He’s letting me know what I’d known for a bit. You’re not over her, so what the fuck and I supposed to do? Sit here and look stupid. I highly doubt it. Work it out with her, Rod. It’s what you want.
Rod: No, that’s not what he or I said. He said that I’m just dealing with some shit right now, which is true. It’s not like I’m going to go back to her. I’m a bit hurt and need to work that out. I do like you and like talking to you. Several calls a day is too much for me right now. I just want to relax and spend some time hanging out. I think you are overreacting.
Melina: Then don’t text me or call me back. Do what you gotta do and if we don’t hang on Monday, I’m good with it. Tired of giving too much to people who don’t deserve me.
Melina: I’m seriously done, if you are. The last thing I want is to look stupid and if I’m a rebound, which your friends even think I am, let me fucking go. Bye.
Melina: No reaction? What I thought! DO me a favor and never contact me again. Oh wait, apparently I’m the only reason why. Sorry, that will fucking end right now!

These texts are from after the party…

Melina: Hi. Don’t remember much of why we argued last night but I do know it started because of me. I’m so sorry. I know your friend didn’t mean anything bad by what he said, but it struck a nerve to hear about her and immediately hurt my feelings. I want to talk to you later tonight about it. Please let me know if your lack of response makes me feel like shouldn’t even bother.
Rod: I have been thinking about this all day actually and I don’t think it will work out between us. I don’t mean to hurt u in anyway and u shouldn’t feel stupid I just don’t think you’re right for me. I wish u nothing but the best.
Melina: I will get back to you in detail in a bit. I’m a lil confused. Not that will change anything.
Rod: Sorry that you are confused. I don’t know how to make it more clear. I don’t think we are right for each other and I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out, I’m sorry.
Melina: no. I get the fact that we won’t be hanging. I’m a little dumb but not stupid. Plus no need to be sorry or feel sorry. I maybe impulsive life thinking about maybes and wishing for something or someone I can’t have. My emotions are strong and I do let them show but am still very protective of them. It sucks that we won’t talk anymore because both you and I know at least that was fun. I wanted to say this to you through a phone call. But I didn’t. Plus no need to come off like ur breaking up with me. U don’t owe me anything. I was just confused about the fact that u were so eager to see me.

The day after they were supposed to meet…

Melina: If I came off like a bitch the other day I’m sorry. I was really drunk and again, I’m the only person that should look out for ME and protect MY emotions
Melina: Just wanted to make sure what I sent was clear. I will do you the favor of never getting back to you, no worries.

Another day passes. Notice the lack of responses from Rod…

Melina: Look you don’t have to say anything, but I honestly don’t feel good about anything that has happened between us, as much as I want you to I don’t expect you to understand

Melina then used a friend’s phone to call Rod, so he’d pick up… He hung up on her…

Rod: You told me you were done and I have left it at that. I’m sorry but I don’t want to talk anymore.

Melina (Still from a friend’s phone): My feelings were hurt. I was a bitch. I know. Let me at least talk to you, please. I miss my friend. We didn’t even end things properly. I don’t know how to say the words…
Melina: Please hear me out, Rod. Call me, please.

A week later or so, no other text messages until…

Melina: Please just hear what I have to say. I am so sad and just want you to listen to me for a minute. I don’t expect you to change your mind.
Melina: At least tell me that I’m full of shit or something. I am not ashamed to say I am begging you for a minute of your time.
Melina Don’t blame a girl fro still trying. I miss your ass. Please forgive me.
Melina: What can I do to have you forgive me?
Melina: Rod, I miss you!
Melina: I’m so stupid to have lost someone like you. The two weeks we spent talking allowed me to finally BE me and I’m truly grateful, please find it in your heart to take me back. I know YOU know we had an amazing connection even as friends. Don’t deny that. We at least had that chemistry.

A few days later…
Melina: This sucks! I’m in OC and we’re not even talking, the irony of shit. (That’s not irony, that’s just crazy)

No responses from Rod in about two weeks…
Melina: I’m thinking about you and want to say hello -(