Does it Matter if Your Lover Still has an Online Dating Profile?
I saw this one on the lovely Simone Grant’s blog the other day and I tapped my lip and pondered the question. Then it hit me in the face like a feeble Dustin “Screech” Diamond punching out poor Horshack on Celebrity Boxing (still the greatest concept to hit television in my lifetime.) My girlfriend STILL has a Plenty of Fish Account!!! Oh the dreaded scandal!
Aaaand I don’t give a shit. Period. My girlfriend has told me she still has it and hasn’t bothered to close it. That’s fine and I believe her. But you know what? I still would give two shits of a rat’s cankle (sp?) if she DID check it. Really, I wouldn’t.
Why, you ask? Simple it’s something I call “trust.” My girlfriend could choke me out in my sleep, put a knife in my back or run me down with her SUV. To date she has done none of these things. She demonstrates that I can trust her every day just by being her and just by showing me she cares. I’m sorry, but some profile on a dating/hook-up site isn’t going to change that… Though, I secretly hope Amy Adams or Felicia Day messages her and want to hook up with her so I can watch. Shhh! don’t tell my girlfriend!
Really, the matter is inconsequential. Like I said, I trust her. That means I trust her with temptation and making the right decisions. If I can’t do that then why even bother being in a relationship in the first place? It makes no sense to me.
Should she close it? I don’t think it matters one way or the next. If this is “checklist” item for our relationship, then I think there’s other things we should be worried about…
When I was training to be a manager at my music store gig, my manager, at the time, said this to me: “Alex, the best thing you can do for a person is giving them the opportunity to fail. That’s how they know what they’ve got in em. That’s when they know who they are and how they grow.” He gave me this life-changing and sage advice because he saw that I was hording all the important tasks to be done and not letting people in on the action.
I guess my point is that you have to trust people in all sorts of situations, even in situations where great temptation exists. It’s then that you find out what that person is made of and if they really do love you; and in the end that’s all that I give a damn about.
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couldn't be truer. having an active profile doesn't mean you are going to cheat. anyone can cheat, it is about what the person's character is made of. and let me tell you alex picked right, cause his gf is a class act!
My woman is a class act. And, not that you said it here, but if one more person tells me I don't deserve her I'm seriously going to start fucking punching live stock. Right in the utter!
Exactly. Thanks for this take! It's about trust, first and foremost – and about open discussion, too. You have those? You're golden. Done and done.
Golden, like a shower, baby cakes. =)
Give people enough rope to hang themselves. Why is trust so much harder to give than love?
JFB
Perhaps we're all scared of being vulnerable/hurt?
It's kind of an asshole oxymoron, no?
Here's my problem…. I have dated two men who still had their accounts & both situations sucked. One, was apparently just unsure about me all along and continued to fish for something better while he dated me. Dick. The other situation was what really kills me though. He was the one who wanted us to be exclusive. However, he was just letting his account expire. (or so he said) I trusted him and was doing the same. His messages from women would still be forwarded to his regular email address and he would just delete them w/out reading. OR so he said.
Eventually a girl caught his eye and he was curious. So he wrote her back. The second things got even slightly difficult w/ us he dumped me and IMMEDIATELY started dating this other girl. I felt like he had actually cheated on me.
So, here is my beef. At some point I will no longer be okay with my man having an account of any kind. all you are doing is tempting yourself. Don't take a fat kid to McDonalds and expect him to not want some fries. I'm in no way saying all men will do what this guy did to me but it forever more will make me too uncomfortable.
Girl, both those situations suck. Really bad, they suck worse than a blow job from a hooker with lock jaw.
My point, though, still stands. It's like jack said above. You have to give people enough rope to hang themselves. Right? How do you know if you can trust someone if you don't let them have an opportunity to fuck up? It sucks, but it's true unfortunately.
I agree with this. My ex used to travel a LOT. People were always asking me if I worried about him cheating on me. My reply was that you can cheat in your own back yard just as easily as when you travel. If you want to.
Wow, this is the first take I've read on the trust issue yet. And you're right, it all boils down to trust.
I guess my issue with trust would be that why would they need to check it though? But at the same time, it's like checking emails- you never know who's going to try and get at you there even. I don't even have an online dating profile and I get salacious messages in my email all the time, unprovoked.
Good take on it, and yes it contradicts what I say but with just cause. Great and valid argument!
There are some things we are helplessly, seemingly so anyway, wont to do. Checking emails is one thing,a cting on the contents therein is another matter. I judge the actions all the way through. Is it playing with fire? Sure is. But how else can we really know if someone is worth our trust and love?
Loved this post, specifically this point…
"Like I said, I trust her. That means I trust her with temptation and making the right decisions. If I can’t do that then why even bother being in a relationship in the first place? It makes no sense to me."
Serious truth.
Thanks, Skye Blue. Truth is never easy to hear, but it's so much harder to live by. I would never throw my woman to the wolves, but if she has to walk that walk, I gotta trust her and I totally do!
Really I would not mind it. I trust my gf will be attracted to me even if she did still have a dating profile.
Why would someone in a relationship have a dating profile? Makes no sense.
Because there still having there option open just in case there is somebody better , well if that the case they should not be in a relationship with nobody , and no sex either . Just using somebody if that person not the right one . Move in jerk quit playing and waisting somebody time ..
Of course trust is the most important thing and this is not something you would want to break up a good relationship over. But I still don't understand why anyone would still have that profile up there still. Maybe I'm cynical (probably at least a little) but to be it represents that part of someone that is still wondering if they are missing out on something better.
Dear Alex, your article was excellent. I want to ask, is it not OK to ask a guy who he wants to be exclusive if hes still active on dating site? Why bring up the exclusivity if hes still lookimg? I want to trust him but same time I want to understand> Could you give some good advice please? Thank you.
Jenny-pooh,
It all goes back to trust. If you really trust someone, this question should be irrelevant. Truly. Is it okay to ask a guy that you want to be exclusive with if he's still active on dating sites? Yes. However, at some point you're going to have to trust that person with your heart and asking such questions isn't going to give you the conclusion you need. Their actions will
I get what you're saying (writing) about trust, but I'm not sure that's what's really the issue with the active-online-dating-while-exclusive argument. Yes, you have to trust your partner. No, this doesn't mean that your partner is technically cheating. The issue is more that one partner (in this case, your girlfriend) is investing time and energy into attracting, communicating, possibly meeting (no sex?) someone else. And you can trust her when she says she is doing so, because she is telling you she is doing that; so there's no breach of trust there. but why do you
want to be with someone who is spending time
and energy on other people? as the saying goes, to each his own, and if this is ok with you, then that obviously works for you.. but let's be careful about not turning this into a trust issue (ie
sorry.. hit publish too soon..
(I.e., where people are considered to have a trust issue if it's not ok with them for their partners to be on online dating sites). trust is not really at the heart of the matter.
I agree that trust is not the issue. I dated a man for four months who initiated the exclusive talk after two months. About a month later I realized he was still active on a dating site. I told him it bothered me and that I could not have the kind of relationship we were having if he continued to be active on this site. He said, ” Would you like me to take it down?” I told him I would like that ALOT. He told me he would delete it when he had the time. He did not log on for about four weeks. Then, we had a fight and he was on the site five days after the fight. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else and I did believe him. However, I figured it was only a matter of time. The problem was not whether or not I trusted him, the problem was that this demonstrated that he was not committed to the relationship. He wanted to go look for someone online instead of work things out with me. Not okay! People fight, its not an excuse to leave the relationship. Good, loving relationships are built on trust and commitment. Trust and commitment are key components to being a person who provides someone with a safe place to fall.
A dating sight is for finding somebody especially if your looking for a relationship and you face time talk and text every day and tell each other you love them for 3 months before you meet and you tell the other person that your going to delete your profile then the guy Saids he has no problem delete his which he must he still checks at least 2 times a day and he tells me well I don’t check up you why you checking you checking up on me he Saids he trusts me go back on . Well he a truck driver drives heavy equipment across the USA and his profile Saids he lives where he used to lived but it was place he crash at when he got off the road we broke up because I fe a dating sight is for getting a man or woman once you love each other and have sex you should not be online everyday you can hide your profile or deleted but this fool hard head so I told him stay on Line you don’t need me
I just recently dealt with this issue and yes it is a matter of trust, but it is also a matter of respect. I caught my boyfriend once with an online profile and he said he shut it down , so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We continued to see each other and I tried to put the matter out of my head. Well I suppose I still had suspicions so decided to see and again I saw another online profile. I think this is totally unacceptable in a relationship and as far as trust goes I find that takes a long time to develop. I also think with the quick accessibility of the interenet people have become less trustful. Actually since all this I think I would be better just to be alone and sad to say but there are very few people that I would trust anymore.
Kim – especially if you both MET utilizing an online dating service and have agreed to remove / hide the profiles while being monogamous.
People can sugar coat it any way they prefer to be able to get past the reality. Telling themselves they TRUST their monogamous partner on a dating site. Has anyone said this out loud and heard the irony and stupidity of this allowance?
There are sites to make friends, find romance, activity partners. A site dedicated to find a romantic partner for dating is specifically designed for that. A site geared for bowling teams is exactly for that. If you need to talk to friends why not use less inflammatory sites such as facebook?
Unless the definition of respect and trust has been so diluted and watered down to mean this behavior is acceptable, there is no respect involved.
If the one you love is feeding you these excuses and expects you to accept it, then it would be ridiculous to be surprised or hurt should they stray.
It is paradoxical to think that being open minded and having trust equals anything goes. Next it will be a case of "they didn't have sex. They just laid naked next to one another. I trust my partner."
It's crap. If a person expects monogamy along with reliable (not presumed, tempted) trust, then don't accept them playing with bait.
I just recently dealt with this issue and yes it is a matter of trust, but it is also a matter of respect. I caught my boyfriend once with an online profile and he said he shut it down , so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We continued to see each other and I tried to put the matter out of my head. Well I suppose I still had suspicions so decided to see and again I saw another online profile. I think this is totally unacceptable in a relationship and as far as trust goes I find that takes a long time to develop. I also think with the quick accessibility of the interenet people have become less trustful. Actually since all this I think I would be better just to be alone and sad to say but there are very few people that I would trust anymore.
I have been dating someone for a year. He says he's too busy for a relationship. I intern for him (so we can spend more time together) and am in his office 5 days a week. We rarely see each other outside of it. Maybe about once every two months I check his POF account. That's where we met. It usually says he hasn't been on there in a while, but last night it said he was on and he had updated his profile. Uh oh. Here's the problem…I'm crazy about him. I really care about him and he's my best friend. He really is. We have so much in common and despite my worries about him, he's a sweetheart. I don't want to confront him about this because I'll be the bad guy. He will say I have trust issues and am paranoid. I'm not his girlfriend, but I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't like me enough. So I'm just backing off. I won't initiate any more conversations and I am looking for a real job. For the past year, 90% of my life has been about him. Well no more. If he wants to be with me, he has to make it happen. I still want to be friends, though.
I’ve been dating someone since around December that I met on PoF. We’ve had our ups and downs. About a month after we were dating I told her that I removed my profile, because I did. I just feel that it’s the honest thing to do when you’re dating someone. Now I see that her profile is still active, minus a few photos, but no new ones, and that she has been online this week. Yes, it does bring up a trust issue. But for good reason. If someone is in a relationship, I don’t see any benefit at all for either person to have an online dating profile unless either person was not feeling confident about the relationship and actually “fishing” for another catch. Am I wrong?
Now I have no idea how or if I should bring this up with her. My heart is in my stomach, and it sucks.
I agree, but what if you were told they closed the account and they open another one , sans picture. I know its him stats match to a tee and he used almost the same language and I can decipher the user name.
Well, now that's just shady and that sort of behavior is outright disrespectful and worthy of a stomach punch.
I agree, trust until they prove undeserving of it. However, what if like my bf and I we sat down to talk about where our relationship was going. We decided to become exclusive and said we’d delete our dating profiles as that’s where we met. A few days later, I let him know I had deleted mine and he said he would do so when he had some time….still hasn’t done it though. Then what do you do? I don’t want to nag or demand he delete it. I just thought it was something we agreed upon together but he still plays on it. (he gets notifications to his phone while I am sitting right there although he doesn’t open them when I am around)