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The Reason Why We Need Assholes

assholes in flight
assholes in flight

Girls need them and guys have them and rhymes with grass knoll. That little morsel of riddle-ry is one of my favorites. One of our readers tipped me off to an article over on thought catalog today and I read it. It made me think a lot about things that have been going on in my life lately. I've played the roll of nice guy, asshole, shit head, a good man and every other shitty thing in between. This post really doesn't have much of a “targeted” point, so just stay with me a for a while. Mmkay? So we're gonna do this thing because, frankly, I'm a little bit pissed off, drunk and, let's face it, I ain't got shit to do since my ass got laid off a month ago and the Unemployment Office decided to delay my Unemployment a full month because they scheduled a meeting with me… Read to the end of the article for a nifty tip on beating the California Unemployment Insurance Voice Menu System

Disclaimer – I'll probably be dropping the fuck bomb… I mean “f” bomb quite a bit in this post. Tread aware.

The last month or so have proved to be a challenge to both Taylor and I. Maybe we'll both share, or maybe we'll tell you to kick rocks.  No, no. Taylor would tell you to die, I would tell you to kick rocks, because that's the extent of my “fuck off” language (totally lying, there. I would tell you to fuck off). Anyway, it's been tiring and trying. Things have cropped up that have challenged my otherwise “nice guy” candy coated exterior. Between telling my girlfriend to chill and telling clients “no, I won't build a fucking flash intro page for you god damned site now fuck off you fucking fuck!”

bear dick punch

My dear friend, Gregoire (he of the crazy text message woman), was cut loose by his asshole of a girlfriend. When I'd heard the news, I felt bad for him. It was yet another speed bump in the road of the typical love life. Breakups happen. They do. As much as they suck, they are common; you learn a few things, ask some questions, cry, drink, piss yourself, fuck some fuglies and move on with your life.

You see, Gregoire is a great effing guy. He's talented enough for me to hate him so fucking much, and has such a good heart that it inspires me to corrupt it whenever the chance arises. He's a good guy. He's heard the whole “nice guys finish last” and blah blah. He doesn't care; he could give two shits of Roseanne Barr's ass (vomit).  The truth of the matter, is women need more than one cock. It's true! A real woman worth her weight in breasts and vagina will tell you that they need a guy that will be sweet to them but will take his spine out and beat them with it (okay, a bit extreme) should she just be an over bearing cunt. Gregoire, has suffered through relationships that have been all too similar. These women push him around and treat him like squat; and the guy deserves better. He really does. He could be an asshole to these women when the act up. They fight, they fuck, life is good. Or… they fight, tell each other to fuck off and save each other several months of equal parts of relationship bliss and hell.

Being an asshole is a necessary evil because, let's face it, sometimes you have to be an a-hole to stand up for yourself and demand what you deserve…

Oh and if you're of the mind “It's better to have lost at love…” STFU and GTFOH!!!! You don't know what you're talking about and probably haven't been screwed out of your apartment deposit by the person you hung your hopes and dreams on. Suck on an exhaust pipe, you jerk off!

Meanwhile… Back in Gotham…

Another reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like being an asshole and I need another more motivated asshole to do my dirty work. What do I mean? My girlfriend and I put in an application for a condo we're moving to in a lovely town far away from the places I need to be, professionally. Don't get me wrong, it's a great spot. The point is, these jerk-offs that run the property were taking forever to get back to us as to whether or not we could move in or not and they were holding $1800.00 for a deposit. So my beautiful GF called me, told me I was a lazy shit for not following up on it. She said she didn't want to call because she was so pissed off, to which I said, “Baby, that' precisely WHY YOU SHOULD call them…” She yelled some other epithet, slammed the phone on me and called me five minutes later, with her sweet voice, that we actually did get the place. Yay!

In other words, this marks the first time yours truly has lived with a woman before… Oh my fucking stars, kids! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

An asshole always forces the issue.

beat the california unemployment voice menu systemBeating the Shit out of the California Unemployment Voice Menu System

The only thing that sucks worse than getting a blow job from a hooker with lock jaw is the California Unemployment Insurance Voice System. It fucking sucks. Today, I had to call it and man was I pissed! I think I was so filled with rage, I kicked a dead rabbit… Twice! Anyway, I called them via skype and managed to get through to an agent by pressing 1 – 3 – 0 and 6 (actually, I was smashing keys and 6 happened to be the first one… I think the phone system just things you're some asshole with tourette syndrome and figures they'll give you an easy pass and put you through to someone rather than letting you shit yourself and yelling at your asshole kids to not talk shit about ‘Total' cereal.

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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3 Comments

  1. This is hysterical! You are in rare f*ing form. The part about being an a-hole to stand up for yourself is definitely true–looks like you two a-holes deserve each other–enjoy!

  2. does the thing with the insurance work all the time? I tried it actually but had to wait for so long I just hung up

    and dude – you are awesome.

    1. Well, you certainly know how to make dudes blush… I'm pretty sure that wasn't your intention. Thanks for the kind words.

      The numbers thing has worked twice in a row for me, thus far. =)

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