Confessions of a Jerk: Super Dickery
This is a post that I'd written about a month ago for the lovely Simone Grant. So I'm reposting here, for your consumption. Why? Because I'm a lazy piece of shit, that's why. Ohh and there's been a lot going on of late, too. That's a whole other blog post, though. Anyway, read, sigh and comment…
I’ve done the fade before. In fact, I probably deserve an award if such things were given out for exemplary talent in disappearing from a relationship like a ninja with a smoke ball from room of people he just killed… Yeah, I was good, damn good…
Life has a funny sense of humor sometimes, it has a way of humbling a person when they least expect it. Life did that to me by giving me a series of unstable women that cried at inappropriate times and had issues with yelling and violently kicking me in the crotch. It took a friend telling me that perhaps life was garnishing my mental health by providing me a never-ending list of crazy women to date… “Perhaps,” my friend opined, “this is karma just biting you in the beans, right where it counts.” Yes, my friend said “beans” and I got the point. I cut off ties with these crazy FWBs and the like. I knew something needed to change.
I stopped dating for a couple of months and detoxified myself in hopes that my right hand would be enough to tame my appetite. It worked for a while.
Then, one cold and dreary evening I was up late at a local coffee shop doing some reading and research… I can’t remember which Playboy issue I was reading, though… Hmmm. Anyway, I was there when a young woman came up to me and complimented the coat I was wearing. I insisted she could not say such a nice thing and not sit down to have a chat with me.
We talked for like an hour, when her friends were ready to leave. She gave me her phone number and went on her way. This girl, now, was much younger than me and a college sophomore and barely old enough to drink legally… I was thirty… I knew better, but I was going to get arthritis in my right hand if I didn’t DO SOMETHING or… someone.
Katie and I met up for a drink at her favorite watering hole, downtown. Turns out the joint was hosting the Brodeo. That is, tons of bros wearing Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts. I’m pretty sure I heard Sugar Ray on the speakers. We shared a beer and I promptly took us elsewhere, to a swanky joint across the street and around the corner. The Conti always treated me well, as it was a swanky place with a lot of swag and it kind of makes everyone seem like they have more swagger than they do. We had a shot and some drinks.
Katie, the more she drank the more direct she became. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Long story short we ended up back at my place and took a magic carpet ride that left us both a little bruised by the end it was fun.
She kept on calling and wanting to hang out and I just didn’t have the free time that she had, which seemed like a lot for a college student, but I digress… I’d been avoiding Katie for the better part of a month, but, man, this girl was persistent. She even asked me if I didn’t want to see her anymore. I didn’t tell her that was the case (which it quickly became the case). Regardless, I was being a pussy.
The following day, at work, I was meeting with a sales rep. He and I had a good rapport and had lunch often, even though I bought jack squat from the guy. David told me during our conversation: “You know, Alex, I used to be a shy guy but I started purposely getting out of my comfort zone and I began to grow. I consistently do things that are out of my comfort zone. That’s the key to personal growth man.” Well, holy shit, that guy helped me turn over a new leaf. I was going to step out of my comfort zone and avoid doing the fade. I was going to confront this girl…
That evening Katie called me twice. After the second time I called her back and I remember the conversation vividly and it went like this:
Katie: Hi you
Me: So ummm.
Katie: Omg! I hate school so much!!
Katie: God, this professor is such a dick and like…
Me: I don’t want to date you anymore.
Katie: And everyone in the class was like, yeah, like he’s a dick
Me: Hey!! Ummm, I don’t think we should date. I think we should be friends.
Me: I just think we’re too different
Katie: So you can sleep with me but not date me, right?
Me: Look, I mean it was fun…
Katie: Fun!!? Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Me: Well, no, it’s not a joke; I think we’d make great friends.
Katie: Fuck you, asshole!!! I thought you were different cause you’re older, but you’re like all the other jerks I date.
(at this point I gave up on a civil discourse. I became a little annoyed and launched into what I do best, which is to mess with peoples’ heads)
Me: I don’t see why you have a problem with being my friend
Katie: Why would I want to be friends with you? You’re a dick!!!
Me: Well, maybe, but it kind of makes me think that you only cared about the sex. I’m trying to salvage a friendship here and you don’t want to have any of it.
Katie: Wait, what are you talking about?
Me: Well, you’re saying that it’s all about sex with me, but I’m trying to be friends with you. That is the ultimate show that I am not interested in just sex with you. I think we’d be good friends.
Katie: I really don’t get you.
Me: So what, you’ve never stayed friends with guys you dated?
Katie: We didn’t date, we fucked. I see that now and, no, I don’t stay friends with guys I fuck.
Me: So I’m just some guy you fucked? That’s all I was to you?
Katie: Sigh, what, what? No, wait. What the fuck are you talking about!!? You said you didn’t want to see me!!!
Me: I never said that, I said I wanted to be friends. So what do you say?
Me: Do you need time to think about it?
Me: I can hear you brea—-
Katie: This is so weird…
Me: You think forging everlasting friendships is “weird?”
Katie: I’ve never been rejected like this… I mean, this is weird.
Me: People get rejected all the time, trust me. I know all about that…
Katie: I mean, am I not attractive?
Me: I don’t think your looks have anything to do with having a successful friendship. You’re awfully shallow. You know that?
Katie: Whatever. I just can’t make the connection of being friends with someone you like fucking, but doesn’t want to, you know, fuck you back…
Me: Total noodle-bender, right?
Katie: Who does that?
Me: Well, I think this goes to show that women are just as shallow as men and want sex just as much. Society tells us that it’s okay for men to be this way, yet a double standard for women exists. It’s okay, you’d rather fuck me than be friends with me… It’s kind of messed up, but I accept this truth and hold no grudges here.
Me: So how about that friendship?
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Wow, this takes it to a whole new place, dear! I have to admire the twisted way in which you turned the situation back on her. She needs to stay in school and learn how to hang up waaay earlier than she did. Bad boy.