Ask the Urban Dater: Why is My Guy Not Trying??
Here we are with another “Ask the Urban Dater” question from one of your readers. The question comes from Julie. She wants to know why I'm so amazing. Dear Julie, some things just are! You can't have not ever wasn't never isn't! Can you!?? (Thanks Louis CK). Julie is having an issue with her guy. He never seems to plan anything; he's the opposite of trigger happy. She wants to know what it means and I tell her what this turd of a man is up to.
Relationships make most of us think either too much or too little, it seems. Doesn't it?
Anyway, I'm inclined to think that your guy isn't trying to give you the “slow roll” out of town. I kinda think the dude is lazy. That's my take anyway. So this guy may need some motivation, in spite of the fact that you feel like you'd rather do nothing just to see how he responds to it. I would say avoid the pissing match, if you can help it!
I was talking with my girlfriend about this. We thought there was some merit into getting this guy to go half way. You'll have to initiate the date or “hang out” as it were. Do something simple. Arrange meeting up at a new spot, a coffee house or something, and then give him “homework” and have him pick out a dinner spot. Somewhere neither of you have been before. Sure, there's a very real chance he may choose poorly, but that's not the point. It's the effort, we're looking for. Be sure to reward him for making a decision; maybe throw in a thanks and something like “Wow, why don't you ever choose more places and things to do. This was so much fun!” You see what I'm getting at there, right?
You could be more blunt and say: Look asshole, choose! Seriously though, I have a couple buddies who are incapable of making a decision when we hang out. Really, it's baaad! So I typically end up making the plans. Well sometimes I tell these guys: “Guys, today is indecision Sunday! I'm not doing a lick to figure out what we do. I'm going to drive in a straight line until someone decides on something.” That's a bit more extreme, but I think it strikes a sense of urgency to figure out a plan.
If this guy still doesn't rise to the challenge he definitely needs a talking to. You need to tell him to stop being twat and plan stuff because you're getting tired of doing it all the time. Not only that, you need to tell him that you feel like he doesn't appreciate you or that he doesn't make it feel like he really wants to be with you.
Hopefully these hints will help you get out of your own head and stop over analyzing things and get some cold hard facts out of this dude.
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Julie's guy is not trying because she set a precedent early on by allowing him to get away with half-assed wooing. It is laziness on his part fed by low expectations on her part. It can be fixed, but it takes a lot of discipline.
Damn, girl! You don't mince words! However, I feel that you are correct here. Absolutely! I also agree that she can recover from this as well, she just has to take time to bring him out and let him know in certain ways that she appreciates some "get up and go" from him.