Ask the Urban Dater: How to Deal With Feelings For Your Boss in the Workplace.
Hello people of my people. Today, we have a first. It's the first “Ask the Urban Dater” reader submitted question. Oooh! How exciting. That said, here's the question:
Question from thesamuraikurosawaforgot – Long story short, I was on a business trip with my supervisor. During the course of this trip we became closer, more friendly. The thing of it is that she has a boyfriend and I don't want to tread in that territory. Short of finding someone new, how to I reconcile these feelings and get over them so I can just be friends with this person?
Wow. I've been there before and it's not easy, man. Not one bit. You see, the thing is that we tend to develop feelings the more time we spend interacting with someone. That interaction can be in person, or it can be long distance via email, IM, Skype or what ever other tool that's available. One of the keys here is to reduce the amount of time you spend interacting with this person. One way to do that is to be more professional, only speaking with the object of your affection when it's required. Keeping your personal, non-professional, dialogue to a minimum can be helpful.
It's more difficult here because this person is your boss. It's important for you to maintain a professional demeanor at all times. I used to manage a staff of thirty employees at one point. While I was a manager, I did not do things with my employees like having drinks or going out to lunch with them. That's not because I felt I was better than them, but I needed to ensure that there was a clear line between them and myself. I was their boss and they needed to respect that. I think when you mix in activities like lunch, happy hours or dinners that line can become blurred and really creates the possibility of conflict, which I like to avoid.
Something else to really consider, and I know it was already shot down as a solution, is to really get out there and meet other women. It's a good way to put your attention elsewhere and keep your sanity. If not, then you need to rely on self preservation techniques like the ones I've mentioned above.
In summary:
1. Spend less time hanging out with your boss. If you do lunch with them, do it less frequently. Do you really need to take business trips with them? Unless required, don't go.
2. Keep your dialogue professional. Don't talk to your boss about your relationships, don't talk to her about her relationships. Keep things work related. Be committed to it.
3. Find other women to pay attention to. Trust me, this will help keep you sane.
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