Sexual Tension…and temptation

I was convinced that our story had ended. But, after not seeing me for months, he doesn't agree, stating we still have a chapter or two to write. If that's the case, why is he still holding back? Why tell me our story isn't finished? Give in, make time. Relieve that sexual tension that still exists between us. Yet, after all this time, my lips still crave his dick.

He satisfied me like I hadn't been in a long time! Honestly, most men need to be taught. He was a natural. A total turn-on. I suspected he wasn't satisfied with his relationship. I thought to myself: give in to the temptation and let us both get off. Temptation shouldn't exist when he could have had me anytime but chose not to in the past, he took a chance on someone else, and I did what I am best at…

My sex drive remains high. I crave more than just sex, more than oral pleasure. I can't keep trying to fill a void with sex anymore. It's like watering a dead plant, hoping for a different result. I'm done with his excuses and empty words. Being ghosted and then being told it's not ghosting but avoiding temptation. My friends know my track record with men has not been ideal.

This past year I have been putting myself back out there. It's been challenging to say the least. Although I do have some options. Though I'm so fucking horny. I have needs. It's human nature. Yet, for some reason, they always come back. He has slid back into my DM's, hoping to slide into me….Missing the fun we once had. Yet so much time has passed; I don't believe it's my fault the girl he is with now doesn't take care of his dick. He had me in his life on and off for months. He should have made more effort to keep me—although my work schedule was insane—there was no balance.

Although I no longer harbor the feelings I once had, he is still tempted by me. He still wants to play, and finding someone to match my sexual energy has been frustrating, leaving me playing with my toy more often than not. But, unfortunately, it's in our human nature to desire pleasurable things; you can't fight temptation forever.

Why is giving into temptation a bad thing? Attraction occurs when something is left unresolved. If you are with someone but tempted by another, I'd rethink your current situation and ask if you are being honest with yourself. Suppose you are making an excuse or are in denial, denying underlying feelings and pleasure. If starting to look forward to seeing that person again still exists, even subconsciously, then maybe you have been lying to yourself all along. What exactly keeps holding you back? Something is lacking that someone else can't fulfill? Or closure was never established. That's just as lame as his whole feelings suck. And I was trying to avoid feelings on both sides. Following that moment, I should have retreated. Deprived of whatever is lacking in his current situation. People are tempted in that scenario. He had me. He chose to push away, breadcrumb me, and take a chance on someone else. I know we had something intoxicating, a sexual surge with intensity. A connection that, honestly, I haven't found in anyone thus far. Yet I'm trying.

So I met a guy. Sometimes I don't know the point in telling my friends as I only end up swiping again. But I won't be discouraged. I know I have a lot to offer besides a great blow job. A common word used by many men is fun. I am much more than that. Still, my attempts to find a guy who feeds my sexual desires, which can make me wet at the simplicity of his touch, who doesn't disappoint. Where is he? He is living a sexless life with someone else because he settled, and I may never know why.

While my life consists of bad decisions and nasty sex, I know I'm not alone in this singles journey. People don't date anymore. They hook up, hang out, have relationships catch feelings, then dwindle out as fast as they started. I am carrying on trying to figure out why. But I no longer wish to listen to my vagina even though she is growling. Even though I say that I am who I am.

As much as I want a relationship, I don't think I'm built for one. Or maybe I just haven't found someone to make me believe otherwise. I fostered men in the past till they found their forever homes. I'm that girl they like to play with, who is easy to be around. I HAVE BEEN OK WITH THAT!

Yes, I have options, but the sexual chemistry needs to be so intense that I'm settling for less when I crave mind-blowing. So make an effort…. or live with the thought of another guy deep inside me. (Maybe not too deep. Honestly, a couple had equipment issues.)

When I said this past year was a struggle, I wasn't lying. At least they got off…. I can't say it was all wrong. Just different, but of course, it would be. But this urge would never have been a thing. He pulled back, so I carried on… Upping my kill count wasn't my intention, failed attempts trying to match my energy/needs. Taking chances trying to tame the beast. But my vagina is still growling…… I thought I'd never be able to touch him again…and gave up on the idea because he gave up on me… But, of course, the need to play still exists….

Why am I still entertaining the idea?

The thought is still lingering in the back of my mind. But I don't know how long I can continue to entertain this… So much time has already passed.

He's not making much effort… but never really did. He likes the idea but leaves me on the sidelines….When I want to play. Where others have taken the initiative, I want to surrender control. Break up the stagnant of men in between. Ones who didn't leave me craving more. If he wanted to, he would have by now…

So with or without him, my story and new chapters will continue. He will always be one of my favorites. I have spent the last year trying to match what we had sexually. Although disappointed nevertheless.

My attempts to find someone who matched my sexual energy since have come up dry—dropping my pants only to be disappointed by their lack of experience or effort. I want action and consistency. Good fucking sex….. It is not these gaps in-between, preferably with someone willing to keep it exciting. Yet I did form bonds on a different level. Where communication still flows. Some still text every day, talking about our sex lives and everything. None I caught feelings for. But have remained “friends.” There are a couple that shares a different dynamic than usual. It's good, though. We have honesty between us that is refreshing. At the same time, he is still dropping breadcrumbs, although the trail never leads back to him.

I may not be able to rewrite the past. But I still control the narrative of the story. Men since have made a cameo appearance, never being the main characters. Brief encounters that left me craving more substance, not filling the void. I need someone who will match my sexual energy. Who can make me wet at the simplicity of his touch? Who fucks me hard wants to explore and try new things. Who craves my lips on his dick. Who leaves me sore but begging for more after dropping my pants to these cameo appearances. I need a strong man who can dominate me. One who can take charge and do to me what he is so comfortable texting. (Sexting) It seems easy enough, right?! Sex is easy to find; I have options….for just that… It's that intense connection that can be challenging—someone who is a natural.

Once upon a time, he was exactly what I needed… He still crosses my mind, especially when these guys don't compare to how good he made me feel, how turned on I got. I am hesitant that we have more chapters to write, living in reality rather than memories or words on a page. At one point, he was the reason I smiled. He chose to take a chance on someone else. I decided to carry on. Not tying myself down, I'd fuck him one last time at this point… To have that closure. It's funny how we connect with certain people, whether platonic, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, or sexual. With him, it was easy; it felt natural, intense, and addictive. It felt good.

I don't chase; I attract. I know what I have to offer. My life has no room for drama or uncertainty. Suppose they can stop communicating if too much time has passed, and they can go without seeing me for long periods. If they can go without me in their lives, even for a moment, I will be just a memory. That is proof enough because if they wanted me, they never would have let time slip away and made sure I stayed. If they can let me go so quickly, they don't want to be with me, but like the thought of me, because let me go entirely sucks; what sucks more is popping back into my life when I've been trying so hard to move on. You don't get to keep me on the back burner. Next time I trip, I will make sure someone catches me. And my feelings aren't one-sided. And above all, respect me, and don't take my feelings for granted. I made the mistake of caring about someone, the error of sense. I won't ever make the same mistake twice unless I am 100% certain it will be reciprocated. Ghost me, and I will respect the dead and let you be. It takes 3 seconds to send a text. No one is that busy. Welcome back to me. Some will say I am a sweetheart, others a bitch…believe them both, I act accordingly. I tried this softer side. Meh. I

Is it wrong to want sex all the time? I have been using sex in the past to fill some void lacking in my life. Sex has always been of considerable importance. Then it wasn't…because I settled for less than I deserved a few times. I completely turned on and craved more, but this time more with the same person. Sex is like a drug. The more we get, the more we crave, especially when it is so good, effortless, and mind-blowing ( which has been few and far between these days). The Guys' lack of effort astounds me. Good with their dicks but lack oral skills, to one who just wanted me to lay still… I'm no starfish.., from sex in public places, being tied up to sneaking around, bad kissers, sloppy sex, midnight booty calls to everything in between. I'm sure I have witnessed it all, whatever the dynamic.

It occurred to me that with some of the guys I hooked up with in the past, I either faked an orgasm or prayed for it to be over more often than not, especially with my ex-husband. Only a handful knew what they were doing. And if I am being completely transparent, I lost track a long time ago; some remain nameless, strangers sharing a brief moment. I was always good at separating my emotions, sex was sex, and I treated it like that. I never got attached. People might say I am emotionally detached, can get over relationships way too quickly, and have commitment issues that I rushed into a marriage for all the wrong reasons.

Perhaps…maybe. I didn't have solid role models. As a teenager, two weeks of having a “boyfriend” was my limit at the time. Then I met my first, the one to whom I gave my virginity at 14 and a half. He was 17. Yes, spare me the eye roll… I know I was young. But I had real feelings for him. Not just “puppy” love. He made me feel like I was the only one in the world that mattered. The way we meshed, talked, hung out, and how he adored me. Then he moved without warning and broke my heart into a million pieces, although not his intentions. He then moved back two years later, and we were set on rekindling what we once had intimately. We hooked up a few times and decided we would try a relationship again, and then the night before our “first” official date since moving back, he was killed walking home from work. He was hit by a vehicle. He was only 19. I don't know if my heart ever repaired fully. My first “love” was dead, and a piece of me died with him. After that, sex wasn't a big deal; it wasn't “special” anymore. And my numbers kept climbing. Unfortunately, my track record isn't the greatest. I didn't just go out to get laid; it just happened.

I spent years in and out of the dating world, never allowing myself to get too close, too attached. (Except one)

I had no problem being outspoken with other issues, no problems calling someone out, and not sugar coating anything. However, I struggled with vocally projecting my feelings. Words to me were just empty shells.

Not every guy I have met on dating apps has been a total bust.
Honestly, being single, I can fuck whoever, hang out with whoever. Yet that doesn't fill this void.
Don't spend time, in the beginning, getting to know me if you don't plan on sticking around.

Don't tell me you crave me or need me but don't do anything to follow through. Please don't bother me.
If it's just sex you want, then let's treat it as such.
Why get personal?
The best way to get over a man is to get under another.

I used to live by this like some fucking manuscript for my life. Like some oath.

I am horny all the time.

I crave consistency.

Crave more than what I am getting these days.

All guys to date, I have slept with a few times. I guess I was hoping it would get better… Unfortunately, I got bored quickly, so I moved on, trying to find the one who could satisfy this urge; a couple got close but not worth the wait; truth be told, I am having more sex in my 40s, and through this pandemic, I have met so many guys.

Only one still holds that title. I want a guy who keeps me wanting more.

A guy who will make me vulnerable when I'm so used to being in control.

I want someone to compliment my life, not complicate it.

Someone who takes the initiative doesn't play games, someone who makes an effort.

Sex is like a drug.