In 2022, the thriving sex working community isn’t something you can deny. Whether you’re looking for Perth escorts, or dominatrix from the UK, sex work and sex workers are all around us. As the saying rightly goes, somebody you love is a sex worker. But as far as we’ve come in accepting sex workers as a part of broader society when it comes to dating a sex worker, many folks feel left in the dark and at the helm of racist, misogynistic, whorephobia rhetoric in navigating their newfound love.
As a sex worker who has also dated many people, the great news is that I’m here to shed light on this rhetoric and help newbies and pros work towards healthier relationships.
Sorry clients, this one isn’t for you. As we will discuss, while intimacy and sexual labor may be a part of our job description, sex work is our job and not an invitation to awkwardly ask someone you are paying out on a date. Without further adieu, these are some of my top tips when starting a relationship with a sex worker (or anyone really!).
Sex work is work, and work (mostly) sucks!
As a sex worker myself, I can confidently say the last thing sex workers want is Captain-Save-a-Hoe to come in and “save us from sex work”. If you’re heading into a relationship with a sex worker to convince them to leave the industry, you’re doing the two of you a disservice.
For many sex workers, the sex industry is somewhere we have found a security that doesn’t exist in other forms of work. Unlike most other work, without a boss, we can say no to clients we don’t want to see, control, and maintain a flexible calendar, and, of course, potentially make more money in less time. We also have more control over incidents of sexual harassment, sexism, or racism on the job. While this may not match the imagery of empowerment put forward by the media, for many of us, this is why we are sex workers.
In saying that, sex work is still working – and work (mostly) sucks! Being in a relationship with someone who understands that and won’t try to “rescue” us when we have a bad day at work goes a long way.
Monogamy is actually an option!
Many folks enter relationships with sex workers assuming the only relationship structure conducive to our work is non-monogamy – and this couldn’t be further from the truth. While many sex-working folks share the love through non-monogamous relationships, many, if not most, sex workers in relationships are in a committed long-term monogamous relationship.
Believe it or not, many of us are married with kids! While it would be deluded to say that these relationships, like arguably all relationships, don’t take a lot of work, they are possible and extremely fruitful when successful. Remember, for us, and we hope you do too, sex work is just our work; we are not in relationships with our clients and have consciously decided to spend our free time with you, as you have with us.
Boundaries and communication are a must
If this is your first rodeo, feelings of jealousy or insecurity may be something you encounter, and with all of the whorephobic media messages you’ve been bombarded with, that’s only natural. You wouldn’t feel jealousy towards the clients of a masseuse or a therapist, so it’s worth interrogating why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It’s also important that you communicate these feelings with your partner because, believe it or not, this most likely isn’t their first rodeo, and they can often help you understand what’s going on.
This conversation can also work as a great launch pad to negotiate boundaries and ensure you’re both getting what you want out of the relationship. At the same time, some of us want to be in a relationship with someone who can vent in detail about sticky (no pun intended) situations at work; some of us don’t and are okay with leaving some of the work at work. This skill set is useful in all relationships as it allows you to communicate other boundaries you may have around your communication style, time commitments, and your intentions for the relationship.
What you see in the media about our work probably isn’t a great representation of our work.
From the “high class” escort who earns $5 million dollars in one year but never slept with a client to the “foreign prostitutes” being taken advantage of by “pimps”, the media has a way of cherry-picking and fabricating examples of sex work and sex workers which – outside of being racist, classist and misogynistic – flattens, exceptionalities and evades the nuance of our work. Chances are, the work your loved one is doing is much more mundane and closer than any other job in the service industry you’d imagine it to be.
Like you, we, too have good and bad days at work. We have clients (and colleagues) who test our nerves and push our boundaries, as well as clients who tip and are a breeze to deal with. You would be surprised how much of our work involves sitting at a computer, editing videos, and writing emails.
And there you have it, folks! We hope you’ve enjoyed your toe dip into dating a sex worker and choose to continue your journey with your sex-working loved one. Whether you’re dating Perth escorts or an FBSM provider from Melbourne, sex workers are some of the most caring, knowledgable, and accepting folks out there and deserve as much love and compassion as anyone else, in and out of relationships.