As I've written about several times on this blog in recent months, my girlfriend and I broke up. We're exes to one another now and while we're not together, we still talk, we're still friendly… it's still awkward. But it's going to be okay, man. When I would tell myself that, I didn't believe it… But now I do.
Coming out of a breakup “on the other” side is a process, but I woke up one day and I “felt” like I'd “made it.” It was weird. I suppose I need to put things in context before I get too far ahead.
I would say that, in the back of my mind, I knew that the topic of kids would come to a head and there would be a chance it would end the relationship. I chose to ignore it. On another note, if I ever get cancer, I'll probably suck at it and ignore it, too. I was afraid of how things would go; how they would end up… Specifically, I was afraid of what would happen to me. Would I be loved again? Would I find someone who got me? Would I find that connection with someone else. I didn't have the answers, or the self-assurance to answer yes to any of those questions.
Then I was reminded of this little post on our site: https://theurbandater.com/uncategorized/dancing-in-the-rain.php. At the time, this post meant little to me. Sure, it was well-written, but I didn't relate to it. Fast forward some months and I get it. Like a sucker punch to the face, when groping a stripper at one of them no-grubby-paws clubs and the stripper yells “HANDS!” Yeah. Like that.
While fearing the unknown is an expected and natural response, it is irrational. It makes no sense. Why work yourself up over that which you don't know and can't control? I'm still working on that one.
The thing is, my relationship ended when it needed to. One of my good friends told me over the weekend that when two people realize that their futures are irreconcilably different, then it's time to part ways rather than drag things on… That conversation, though, came from a realization that I had shared with this friend.
Over the holidays I stayed with a gal who lives quite a distance from me. We found in each other a lot of things that provided comfort. For me, I found someone I could just be myself with, who gave me attention and cared about what was going on and was weird like me as well. We connected. When we met up, things clicked in a way I couldn't have anticipated. Sure, we got on just fine before we met, but when you're face to face you don't know how things will play out. What happened was two people came together, took a deep breath and said “we're going to let this be what it is and see where it goes.”
And so we did…
Turned out, I had the best week I'd had since… forever + five days. The doubts I had, the second guessing, this irrational fear… It all melted away. As much as I'd like to say I “logicked” the shit out of it, that wasn't the case. It took someone else to show me that “it's going to be okay.” I don't think either of us were trying to be “that person” for the other, it just turned out that way… I feel we each imparted a type of assurance in the other, for lack of a better phrase… It's how it went down, man.
When I got home, I felt weird; I felt empty again. I'd just spent five days of awesome, with an awesome gal and here I was again. Home. In my empty apartment, with an empty bed… No one to come home to. I was numb for a few days.
Then, one morning I woke up. And I'd awaken from a weird, weird dream. It was of my ex and I. I can't remember much of the dialogue. But we were sitting down and we were trying to guess what the other person was trying to say. And every guess was wrong. It didn't make too much sense, but when I woke up, I felt at peace… Weird as it sounds. While the proper analysis of this dream is that I want to “G G Rub” with a female Bonobo ape, I think I prefer my analysis more. It just didn't work out and there's not much I could do about it and be happy.
So, here I stand, on the other side of the break up and I'm good. As good as one can be, but I'm good. I owe a special thank you, to someone who is amazeballs.