Your Best Break Up Badonkadonk
In the wake of a bad breakup, it is always helpful to direct all those feelings of rage and abandonment into something constructive. For many people, “constructive activities” means yard work. Others choose to throw themselves into their Art, and some actualize their life-long dream to move to Italy, à la Diane Lane in “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
I have no yard, I can only draw stick figures, and my finances do not permit me to flee abroad, so whenever I get my heart broken, I prefer to put all my self-loathing adrenaline into cultivating a Breakup Badonkadonk. Achieving one’s dream derriere not only makes the offending ex feel extreme regret, which can be beneficial if you are seeking to recapture said ex, but it also inspires constructive, healthy behaviors.
Constructive retail therapy
If you’re feeling a little unsure of yourself in your rear-end endeavors (let’s face it, when you’ve been cozy in a relationship for a while it’s easy to let yourself go, and getting back in the game can be tough) start things off on a good foot by investing in some new denim. Nothing makes you feel better—and nothing makes you look better—than that perfect pair of brand-spankin’ (see what I did there?) new jeans. Don’t go for something your mother would approve of; get the sexiest, skinniest jeans you can find—I’m a special fan of Lucky because they have about a hundred different washes for their women’s jeans—and wear them proudly, in anticipation of your Breakup Badonkadonk.
Drop that Ben & Jerry’s
Whip up something tasty and healthy in the kitchen that you now have all to yourself. Smitten Kitchen provides loads of recipes that won’t make you jiggle when you giggle. Blast Bonnie Tyler’s “I Need a Hero” and proudly drink your “cooking wine” by yourself.
Hit the gym…hard
Do squats until your body says no, and then do five more. Show that elliptical who’s boss, and simultaneously catch up on Gossip Girl, letting your fury at Serena’s effortless abs and her “problems” (“Life is so hard… do I choose the handsome bestselling author or the devastatingly attractive polo player?”) fuel your workout.
After following the righteous path to the perfect posterior for a few months, you might still be a little bit sad. But it’s okay, because you’ll also look damn fine.