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Rules Can’t Always Bring You Love

I'm happy to present a guest article from one of my favorite female relationship bloggers Jenina aka @analyticaldiva on Twitter. You can checkout her site, the Relationship Diva from here: Link.  I'm so eggcited and I hope you enjoy.

When I met my first love, Charles*, I’d just come off a “relationship” that, while brief, left my ego pretty fragile. Basically, the ex – I’ll call him Ned – chased me and won me over. Then we fought… And then he won me over again. Shortly thereafter, Ned pulled a disappearing act – and this was all in the span of three months! So, I was in full man-hating mode, especially since I didn’t understand how it could have happened so fast. After all, I’d played by the rules: made sure to act as carefree as possible, played the “not-too-needy” role, waited the obligatory three to five dates before having sex, waited for him to call me the first time, played “hard to get”… All the rules they tell you to follow to get the guy. Except those didn’t work.

Needless to say that Charles approaching me was the last thing I was ready for. So when he sat down next to me and chatted me up, I was completely taken aback, ready to cut him at the knees. And that’s when I noticed his rich, dark brown eyes, amazing lips, beautiful, slightly crooked smile – and suddenly he had my full attention. Then, he asked me out and I nervously accepted.

The night of the date I was a mess. I’ll play it mysterious and seductive, I thought to myself on my way there. Give him just enough and make him come back for more. How could that not work? Suddenly secure in my approach, I was convinced that if I played a role, seemed hands off and made myself hard-to-catch, I would reel him in. If he sees me a certain way, then I was doing what all those dating books told you.
Two things happened that night: All the “tactics” I planned to use during the date to entice him flew right out of my head. And in the process, I had an amazing first date. We went to a wine bar and talked for hours. He made me laugh and I couldn’t help how much I found myself staring at the well-defined features of his face or his lips…

After that I was hooked. He walked me home and while I was dying to kiss him, I wanted that to be a treat for our second date. So, I decided against it and kissed him gently on the cheek instead.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still feeling giddy from the night before. And that’s when I knew I liked him. So, I picked up my phone and sent him a text. “Thx for last night. Hope 2 see u soon.”
At this point, I’m nervous and did the obsessive thing: Did I contact him too soon? Should I have waited for him? What if he thinks I’m too needy? Then he’ll leave like Ned did.

Dejected, I pushed my cell phone aside, certain that I’d blown it before I even heard from him. That’s when I heard a ding. A text! “Me too. Would love to see u 2night. Dinner? I can come pick you up. – C”
We went out for dinner and had another great time. And I was more convinced than ever that not only was he for me, but also that so far, just going with the flow got me two great dates – which meant that I should be OK with just trusting the vibe between us and not pre-mediating my steps before anything’s happened. Basically, if he were into me, the rules wouldn’t apply.

After that we were inseparable, spending tons of time on the phone, going out on the weekends. And because I was wild about him, I was ok with us taking our time in escalating our intimacy – which we did, waiting more than 2 months to consummate our relationship.

What ensued was a one and a half year relationship with the first man I ever loved. While we broke up for different reasons, I love what we had and think about it often. He was my first love and it was when I stopped playing the games that it happened, naturally.

The Lesson? Ultimately, the first follow up call/text, the second date, the first kiss, the first sex… Those didn’t happen because I followed some formula. It happened because there was a real connection and I put all the drama aside to run with it. Does it mean rules are bad? No. But it does mean that they’re not absolute, that’s for sure.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
By Jenina Nuñez  (Twitter: @AnalyticalDiva; Blog: http://therelationshipdiva.com)

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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2 Comments

  1. Great post! Rules, schmules! I think dating books just make us overthink and act neurotic. How can you make a deep connection with someone if you're playing by silly rules – invented by someone else? Then you're not being yourself! I wish dating "experts" would disappear. I wrote a post on this recently…
    .-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..5 Un-manly Man Things I Love in a Man =-.

  2. Thanks! Sometimes, when you take the pressure off yourself, you really get the chance to find who and what you're looking for.. You see clearly and you feel great. In the meantime, we should trust our guts — but play it smart to win.

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