Sometimes we sit and stare at our phone screens, obsessively waiting for replies from people who seemed into us, but aren’t texting back. You may be wondering, “Am I worthy of love
Wait. I talked about this already, didn’t I?
There are two sides to every story.
I have mentioned how those we deem “assholes” can reach what I call “dating’s lowest bar,” yet I also need to address the issue of those of us who allow ourselves to continuously be hurt by this behavior. I’m saying “we” here because I need to learn how to take my own advice too. WE NEED TO STOP PUNISHING OURSELVES AND REALIZE OUR WORTH–our love worth that is.
I’m not an expert of affirmations or positive psychology, but I am an expert at being a gay best friend and telling it like it is. While there are those who need to learn not to play with people’s hearts, there are those of us who need to learn to respect our hearts. Sure, that person you’re interested in may be so fucking awesome, and maybe you had sex and some type of connection, but are they making time for you now? I’m going to assume the answer is “no.” So why are YOU leading yourself on?
You are worthy of love–WE are worthy of the love WE fantasize about. It’s funny how cliche life can be, but honestly for every “awesome” person who’s just not that into you, there’s one who’s got a big emotional (and sometimes real) boner for you right around the corner! (Though sometimes they seem far and few between.) You just have to do some waiting, digging, and turning a lot of corners.
Before you move on to accepting the love that you want and other prospective partners have to offer, you have to learn how to cope with getting over your current obsession and realize your own true love worth. This isn’t a definitive list, but these are some great starter tips to get you started on valuing your worth
Reality Is More Than A Television Genre
Moushumi Ghose, MFT, discusses this obsession as stemming from a fantasy component. You want this person you can’t have, yet at the same time you’re believing you don’t really deserve them in the first place. Add to that: these fantasy people ARE real and they’re within your reach, and that’s when it becomes unhealthy for you. You fantasize about what you two can have together if only they’d realize you’re the one for them. You become addicted to wanting their attention, even if it’s just some text that gives you an excuse as to why they can’t hang.
Fantasies feel so good, and reality bites, but lesbihonest here: While they may be sexy and you two shared something hot once, they’re not respecting your worth and they don’t want to share cloud nine with you. Actions (and silence) speak louder than words.
You deserve someone better, even if you don’t believe it yet and can’t help but see this person through rose-colored contacts. The first step: bring yourself to reality! Think about how much this person has made you feel good versus you just sitting there hurt and alone. Something tells me you’ve had a lot of lonely nights instead of hot dates with this person.
Now honestly tell yourself, “I deserve more than this. I’m worth more than excuses. I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Reality hits hard, but, trust me, it’s better than looking like Lorna Morello (cuz orange looks good on no one, and it will never be the new black).
Evaluate Your Values
Sex educators, like myself, promote exploring your own body through masturbation. It allows you to learn about your body, find out what feels good, and what doesn’t. That way when you have sex with someone, you can better communicate with them about what pleases you, and it helps establish a healthy sexual relationship. What I’m going to propose is exploring your heart.
Take some time to yourself. Shut off your phone, laptops, and TVs, and set a mood in the room or head out into nature. Do anything to create a space where you can think clearly. Now think about what matters most to you as a person? Anything can be a value. Just to name a few: honesty, open communication (also daily communication), hot sex, privacy, etc. The options are endless. Write them down. That list in your hands–those are your standards.
Next, think about what values you want to see in your future partner. What qualities would be most compatible with yours and make you feel emotionally sated? As you meet future prospective partners, take time to consider more than just their looks, finances, or anything that may seem “awesome” on the outside. Those attributes are important, yes, BUT are they also respecting you and making you feel remarkable?
Be upfront from the beginning. Ask your dates what matters most to them in a relationship, and what kind of relationship they even want. If you’re feeling conflicted, communicate that honestly with both yourself and them. If they’re not responsive, that’s your red flag signaling it’s time to move on. It can be intimidating to ask for what you want, but what you wrote down is the foundation you want your future relationships to be based.
The person you’re obsessing about now may be superficially fun, but they’re not meshing with you on a deeper level. That’s one hell of a shaky foundation, and won’t ever a healthy relationship make. By honoring your core beliefs, you honor yourself. In time, you’ll find yourself spending time with people who better align with you and appreciate your worth.
Be Your Own Best Friend
One night, I was sitting down with my great friend Betty Mars for coffee to lament over my broken heart and current obsession at the time. I was talking about how I was an idiot for allowing myself to be drawn in by him when she stopped me and said, “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend like that!” Quizzically, I looked at her.
Reading through my expression, she replied, “You wouldn’t allow someone to call me an idiot, would you?”
I told her of course not, and she let me know, “Then I’m not going to let you talk about my friend Raul like that either.” We’ve all been there banging our heads against the proverbial wall, calling ourselves names while being angry at ourselves for allowing ourselves to fall into this trap yet again, but I’m going to tell you this–STOP!
We all don’t have the privilege of having a sassy gay best friend, or a radical ball-bustin’ she-devil to call our own, but I’m hoping there’s someone in your life who, as the kids say, “keep it one hunnid.”
Imagine them telling you the same gawddamn obsessive story you’re living, and think about the advice you would offer to them. What would you say to them? You’d tell them they’re amazing, they deserve better than to allow themselves to be hurt by this fantasy, and they are worthy of respect. All of the same things that I’ve told you today. Be your own best friend, and remind yourself that you are worthy.
It’s never easy to admit the truth to yourself. Hell! I’ve visited DeNile more times than my imaginary passport could be stamped. With time, practice, and reminders, when you find yourself bothered by some person who’s not appreciating you, you’ll think to yourself, “fuck this shit,” and you won’t settle for less. Now grab your phone, text your best friend because you know they’ll text back, and make a date to spend time with someone who mutually admires you.