Letting Them Down Easy

So you meet someone new and you’re intrigued. Date goes alright, and you think they seem pretty cool but don’t have a real pull either way. They seem really into you. They want to see you again. You think, “sure why not, it wasn’t bad and maybe there’s potential there?” You secretly wish there is some potential there because they are cool, but there is just a feeling of indifference looming overhead. Indifference isn’t sexy.

You come across someone and you have a feeling they aren’t going to be right for you, but they are attractive. Maybe they have some cool interests. But there is something that you can sense isn’t right. They want to meet you. You think, “well I don’t have the best feeling about it, but it couldn’t hurt right? Maybe I’m missing something.” You then meet them and you realize they really aren’t right for you, and your gut was trying to tell you something. However, you still think they are hot. It’s not enough.

Enough is enough. Now they are texting you a bunch because they see a connection forming, and quite simply, you either wish you did and don’t, or you straight up know they aren’t for you. Now you’re faced with three options:

1. Go dark and cut them off without any explanation…I mean it’s easier to not be honest right? They’ll figure it out.
2. Man/Woman UP and be straight with them — you just aren’t feeling it.
3. Over analyze it to death, worry about letting them down, worry that you’re making a huge mistake if you turn them down, over analyze whether you’re doing the right thing and if you’re just missing something – should you hang out with them again to prove it to yourself?

Obviously 1 & 3 aren’t great options. #1 is pretty effed up and immature/cowardly, and #3 is a total waste of your time — not to mention, theirs.

Ok, so #2 it is. But how? No one wants to reject someone, and no one wants to feel rejected. It feels like a lose-lose, but in actuality, it’s a win-win. You can move on with your life and so can they. Rejection will sting, and the act of rejecting them will also feel shitty, but it’s worth it. It will just get worse if you string them along. Your gut knows. Trust it.

Here are some approaches that do the trick:

“To be honest, I’m not really feeling it. You are definitely cool, and I enjoyed spending time with you, but don’t feel a romantic connection.”

“I’m so glad we got a chance to hang out, but to be honest, I didn’t feel a lot of chemistry. That’s really what I’m looking for right now.”

“To be honest, I don’t want to waste your time. You’re awesome, and I think you could find someone better than me.”

“In the past, I’ve gone dark in these situations, but I want to be straight with you. I don’t feel a connection, I’m sorry.”

“Thanks again for dinner/drinks/experience, but I want to be honest and let you know that I don’t feel a connection.”

As much as you want to say, “lets be friends” OR “lets keep in touch” OR “you’d be such a cool friend” it’s not a great last remark. Generally if you met them in a dating context, they are on there to date. Even if they sheepishly agree to that, is that what they really want?

You could straight up ask and test those waters, but if you hang with them, you’re going to have to view the sitch with brutally honest eyes on whether they are just there to see if they can get another chance.

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Sonya Davis

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I'm the product of nomadic hippie, new age, guru devoted, creative, health junkie, crystal passionate parents. I spent time living in Nepal filming a documentary on child slave labor, and stayed to help rebuild a Buddhist nunnery through the power of punk rock. I have always had a passion for giving back.
I am now the founder and CEO of Neqtr, an invite-only app for socially conscious, health conscious and creative people. We connect people over positive causes and help them go on planned dates while giving back, helping to build a conscious love movement. I’ll proudly declare that I’m a socially conscious tech entrepreneur that fully intends on changing the world.