• About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Explore Close
Menu Close

Categories

Dating & RelationshipsOnline DatingTips & AdviceRelationshipsFor MenAsidesSelfSexFor WomenOpinionDates & DetailsFeaturedUncategorizedDate IdeasSpecialAdvertDating SitesQuestions and AnswersFashionNews

Tags

DatingRelationshipsOnline DatingSexloveadvicedating advicerelationshipdating tipssinglefirst datewomenrelationship advicevalentines dayromanceFor WomendatesFor Menmenobservations

Archives

March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 February 2020
  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
  • About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

the Urban Dater

A Blog About Online Dating, Relationships & Sex

  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
Close
NextGetting Lost and Teased
  • Explore
  • Menu
  • Menu
AsidesSex

A Tale of Two Totts.

yannibmbr on May 27, 2010
Share This Article
Facebook3Tweet0Pin0

Breakup to Make-Up it's all we do...Forgive me if I sound bitter. Forgive me for not being able to crossover into the unknown, the future, also known as “moving on.” Forgive me if I give you the most righteous middle finger you have seen this side of the Santa Ana River. Please. Kick rocks and when you’re done with that disappear into your irrelevance and I promise you that I will do the very same.

I stood there, like a damn stalker. There she was, Emma. Leaving me old and cold, chatting up Mr. Casey, yet another one of my friends was about to become a notch on her thong… that is if she ever cared enough to cage the unruly bush beast of a vagina she hid deep down. Remember, you’re supposed to forgive me for being miserable and bitter.

How did this all go so very wrong? Would a six gun sucker punch have removed my competition, or was it over long before? Perhaps it was over in Las Vegas. Perhaps it was after spending hours lip locked and tongue tied that she became bored and began her hunt anew… Was I simply a month’s old bone, ripped of all its meat? Dry, dull, uninteresting; did I have nothing left to offer then?

Perhaps it was in my car, on a breezy-cool autumn evening when I discovered that, no, she REALLY tasted like a basketball and rubber glue sandwich. No, I’m not bitter, just confused. Emma became bored after she pulled me into her kiss a venomous reassurance that she had game, the kind of game that I had not. With that kiss, I was in, even in spite of what I suspected was chronic halitosis. Still, not bitter; with me in her web, trapped, her legs gripped firmly one more piece of meat snagged from the wild, more fresh meat to gnaw on and dispense of, bones yet to be left in her wake; yet one more broken heart left to the wayside, one more wasted and trampled heart that belonged to Jeremy Caplan before me…

Denied. I tried to kiss Jamie, my lips met her cheek; this was not a pleasant introduction, for her cheek revealed a sudden adversary, one that was, until then, off the grid. Tears welled up and they were my tears. I had just been reduced to emotional fud. I could barely talk. Why was my love banishing me? What had I done? The last few years had been an unbearable cock tease, you see.

I learned at twenty two what I should have learned at fifteen, that there is a difference between felatio and sodomy… Yes, a very key difference. You see, upon receiving my first oral experience, in a movie theater of all places, I was obviously happy, proud of myself; ready to pat myself on the back for the rest of the year. As a man receiving his first beej, I wanted to make this declaration of my penises freedom to my closes brothers. Their looks were of horror and confusion. “Alex, you f*cking idiot!!! That’s not sodomy, that’s FELATIO!!!” You fail at sexual terminology.

The year I was with her, I learned that a guy could be given the gift of oral in many, many places if his partner in crime was particularly willing and creative. Road head; concert head; best friend party head; late night diner head. Like an AM/PM slogan, there, indeed, was simply too much good stuff. Confidence grew, as did my fondness; then love. Foolishly, I let this vixen punch a hole through that vcard, no refunds, no returns; all sales final. With that card, she also had a parting gift. My heart. It crumbled at her feet, as she kicked it to the side and made her way off into the sunset, hand in hand with Dr. Steve, how I wanted to “Story of Ricky” his head and hers and even mine. I felt so very futile and plain dumb.

It began innocently or, rather, unnaturally evil manner for me. I was young, horny and I had no plan. This vicious, years long, cock-tease tango would drive me to the breaking point, before I mustered the courage to be selfish and make a move; and moved I did! My lips broke through her friend-hug shields and shattered them to bits! I forced her into me. Passion exploded and it changed my life and set a path for my sexuality from that day forward. It was then that I was given the first two pieces of an unruly puzzle that I still piece together, even to this day.

Looking back, what little of the puzzle Jamie gave me wasn’t love; it was the art of being f*cked. Today, right now, I send a text message saying “I luv u.” Most importantly, the sentiment is reciprocated… Much more of the puzzle has been assembled as I write this

Signup for Our Newsletter

Get Us in Your Inbox!

Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox…
Follow @theurbandater



Share This Article
Facebook3Tweet0Pin0
  • Posted in: Asides, Sex
  • Tagged in: exes, love, Sex

Posted by yannibmbr

Alex is the founder, creative director and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs his own boutique marketing agency in Orange County, Ca: DigiSavvy. Among his treasured pursuits are bike rides with his girlfriend (don't be perverted, now!), hiking, watching the Portland Trailblazers and the LA Angels. Follow Alex: Twitter | LinkedIn

All Posts
Show comments Hide comments

3 Comments

  1. Tweets that mention A Tale of Two Twats | The Urban Dater. A Blog About Dating & Relationships. -- Topsy.com May 27, 2010 at 10:04 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by lost plum, the Urban Dater. the Urban Dater said: A Tale of Two Totts. http://su.pr/20qoPH […]

    Reply

  2. DopeyFromDating May 28, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    As to your first experience… are you sure that wasn't the guy sitting on the other side of you? I heard that happens a lot in theaters.
    .-= DopeyFromDating´s last blog ..Facebook Is Your Dating Oracle =-.

    Reply

    1. Alex May 30, 2010 at 8:46 pm

      You know, that's entirely plausible given that the quality of the bj was about as good as I'd have for at least another five years. Since a guy really knows what a good beej is like it's conceivable that a man, in fact, did the oral heavy lifting instead.

      Reply

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular

  • 8 Things to Say to Your Ex Who You Still Love
  • A Girl doesn’t Text Back – Use These Texts Instead Of leaving Her Alone
  • What to Say to a Girl You Just Met
  • Men Who Give You Their Number Instead of Taking Yours. ~ Group Post.
  • 7 Tips on How to Give Your Partner Great Phone Sex
  • 3 Questions To Ask Yourself After 3 Months of Dating
  • Why Does He Want to be Friends if He Doesn’t Want to Date You?
  • How to Scratch Someone’s back
  • Seven Things You Should Be Looking For By The Fifth Date
  • Letters to Lovers Lost

Signup for Our Newsletter

Online Dating, Sex and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox...
Follow @theurbandater

Previous
Getting Lost and Teased
May 25, 2010
Next
Why Your Lover Will Never be Enough. Part Bleh…
May 28, 2010

Let’s Socialize

  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

General Bullshit

  • About
  • Disclosure Statement
  • Legal
  • Guest Posting
  • Terms and Conditions for Contributors

Archives by Month

© 2021 the Urban Dater by DigiSavvy, Inc. — Proudly Hosted on WP Engine —
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Asides

A Tale of Two Totts.

by yannibmbr time to read: 3 min
Asides Cole's (aka @premiddleage) 38 Mitzvahs Projec…
Sex Getting Lost and Teased
3