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Ask the Urban Dater: Trying a Relationship Twice

Should you get back with your ex

The Urban Dater fields another question from the “Ask Us” inbox. Today's is a doozy too! With that, kids, here goes…

“I met a man who said he wasn't ready after his divorce to be in a relationship…i believe this to be the truth. We kept talking and sort of sideways stepped into a relationship (he kept calling me, not the reverse) and he announced one day he had “surrendered to me”….of course a few months later he broke up with me saying he really couldn't be in a relationship with anyone…again there is truth to this. I'm struggling to get over this dude…in all total honesty, I've never ever liked anyone like this before…EVER. I want to release all hope. If you tell me I should, I will, but my killer hope will NOT DIE that someday, somehow, with a few planets moved around here and there, that we can do this AGAIN and make it work. I still want him BADLY damn it.…  “

Without light, how would we eve appreciate the dark? Without good, how would you know that evil was… well, evil? When you realize there is no hope that is when you begin a journey and in that journey you find yourself and a healthy dose of what you’re seeking. Hope.

For any chance of this to work, you’ve got to walk away and so does he. I hate to bring up that poem about letting something go and if it comes back its co-dependent, if it doesn’t it was a fucking asshole in the first place. No one likes that poem and if they did they might be a little bit of a jerk.

A well-trained dancer needn’t tell you about how amazing they are at what they do; they needn’t tell you how smooth they are in-step, from one move to the next. All a dancer need do is simply to dance. This guy of yours; homeboy needs to “dance.” He’s failed you in this sense.

The way you’ve written and asked your question indicates to me that you’re a nurturing and possessed of great empathy. Knock it off!

What I’m getting at is whatever this guy’s issues may be, whether it’s divorce, trust, explosive erectile dysfunction it ain’t got a damn thing to do with you. Nada. I know you want to reach out and be there for him as he figures himself out and what his life means and who he is. I think that’s the nature of a good many women. He has a lot of work to do on himself, which is great for him and bad for you because he’s only left you crestfallen and on his “hook.”

By keeping him in your life, even simply talking to this guy, does him absolutely NO favors. None! It also does little for you other than having your heart tugged at for some glimmer of hope. He needs to heal and to do that he needs to be on his own and the same goes for you. The reason is that your journey is not parallel to his, you each have your own way to go.

As re-read this, I realize this all very likely reads as a mountain of clichés. I suppose it does so let me provide an example. I met my girlfriend over a year ago, we’ve dated two different times. The first time we dated she it was a lot of fun with a great girl, but it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more and I wasn’t ready. I told her that I wasn’t ready and that it was best to stop dating and so we stopped. There were no phone conversations, texts or any random hookups. We were done. It took me several months to figure out what I wanted and that what I had was a good thing. With that realization in my pocket I went and “got” my girl. I was lucky. She might have fallen for some other guy…

You have to move on and be completely free of this guy. You’ll find someone else, maybe you won’t, but you gotta extinguish this candle you’re holding for him. He may come back to you, he may not. Life is too short to go chasing “what ifs.”

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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3 Comments

  1. "some­day, some­how, with a few plan­ets moved around here and there, that we can do this AGAIN and make it work. I still want him BADLY damn it.… ”

    That place is often called "a parallel universe." There's another version of him, not completely beaten up from his divorce, and another version of you who are quite happy together.

    Unfortunately, you're in this universe. And right now, he has to go do what he has to go do. Suffer, heal, fuck a bunch of other women, whatever. And you have to stop being so nice. No seriously, you have to start being good to yourself. Even if you already think you are. When you take the focus off how much you want him and turn the focus back on yourself, you might find you exude the attraction factor that much more.

    And then, you might just find yourself thinking, "Oh him? Yeah…who was he again?"

  2. alex gave me this exact speech recently…a few times. and it finally sunk in and he is completely right. i cut all ties with the person that i was struggling to let go of because "what if he decided he wanted to be with me?' & "what if he needed more time?" i'm sorry to be blunt, but, fuck him. take care of you. if you need to walk away to heal then do it. who cares if he wants you in his life, the question is what do you want? and furthermore, what do you need to move on? only you can answer that but my guess is a clean break will do you good.

  3. I learned through a similar personal experience that when a man says he doesn't want a committed relationship…he doesn't. If he's saying it out loud he believes it. There may have been moments he tried to believe otherwise with you, but he ultimately stuck to his truth.

    You might want to read this article Commitment: It's Not Just a Word…It's Everything. http://bit.ly/e9JdYE . And now find a man who knows what he wants: YOU. He's out there!

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