5 Ways to Avoid the Friendzone

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I was asked a question recently: “How to avoid the friendzone.” If you don't know what the friend zone is let me provide some context, rather, some seasoning on just what this magical zone is.

The friend zone is a place where people who want to be in a relationship with someone who's already a friend go to die. Shitty, right? Right! It's not a fun place to be. This is a place made for people who hate to be tortured to go and get tortured. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks! Yes, the friend zone typically happens to good people; people who often haven't taken the chance to make their feelings known. How do I know so much about this? Because, I used to be a resident in the friend zone. And boy did that suck worse than A-Rod during a playoff series…

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If you don't believe me, here's the Urban Dictionary's take on it all:

How Can You Avoid Being in the Friend Zone?

1. Don't be safe – If you're interested in someone, there's ways you let them know. Maybe coming right out and saying “yo baby, I wanna be inside o' you!” Now, that doesn't really work (though, I've said that a few times of late… I don't think the women minded, but it hasn't lead to getting laid… yet). The object of your desire should know that you notice them; that you might see them in a non-friendly way.

I'm a dork and a dweeb, or a dwork… You decide. But I don't let that get in the way of letting women know that I'm a man and that I notice them and their lady bits. Anyway, I think that many of my female ‘friends' know that I notice them when they look good. I have ways I let them know. Sometimes I'm blunt, I've told women that their “boobs are the star of the show” and far, far more inappropriate. If I like a woman, I am sure to let her know that I see more than just my buddy in a little black dress. I let her know that she's a woman and that she's MY kind of woman. Which leads me to…

2. Flirt. –  I can't tell you how to be a good flirt. I'm operating under the assumption that you have more charisma than a paper towel and that you don't sweat or have twitchy eye brows as you re-read '50 Shades of Grey' for the 50th time. Flirting is fun, flirting is a playful way to let a woman know that you are into her without being absolutely blunt about it. Flirting is the chisel compared to the hammer, which I liken to whipping your cock out and making it do the helicopter.

3. Ask her out on a date. A friend told me once that: “Fortune favors the brave.” I know he didn't coin that, but he mentioned that to me right before I asked our waitress out on a date and she smacked me down… hard. The last time I'd been rejected that bad was when I was going in for a layup on Sunday during a YMC A basketball tournament and got face palmed by Sarloos O'Gurlicken-Samson-Smith IV; fucking kid was a monster. But yeah, it was that bad. Rejection should be seen as a friend here; should be, but it never feels like that when it happens

4. Try again – I had a gal that I asked out three different times. Three! Each time was separated by… I dunno, this all happened over the course of 6 months. I've written about this tale before. Let me tell you, this shit sucks; getting rejected not once, not even twice, but three fucking times!!! I couldn't flirt my way into this girls heart, I couldn't get her drunk enough and even if I could, date rape isn't just a bad idea, it's against the law. But sometimes persistence pays, so you have to try. Go big or go home. Even though it sucked getting rejected by a gal I was so into, I didn't think about her much after the fact. In my mind I'd made peace with it, whether I knew it or not. I failed, but I tried and tried and tried. In the end, I wasn't what she was looking for. I can live with that.

5. Don't enter the friend zone. When I develop feelings for a woman, those feelings run deep and when they do the worst feeling in the world is to know that the object of those feelings does not feel the same. Feelings unrequited suck. Plain and simple. Often, the women on the other side don't necessarily see you for the bomb ass hunk of meat that you are; they don't see how you could make them happy; they don't see you as anything more than their friend. And that's okay. That's actually an important role to play; to be a true friend. But what if you're a selfish cunt of a man, like me? What if just being friends isn't enough of a consolation prize? Then what?

You pull the pin on the friend zone grenade. That is, this woman doesn't get to have her cake and eat it to. Either she wants to be more than friends, or she doesn't Period. Harsh, right? But sometimes it needs to be. I  had a friend some years ago that more or less rejected me because of religious differences. Okay. Fine. Religion is important. But even after our conversation about it, this gal wanted to hang out just as much as we did before. I began to avoid her. I stopped returning texts, or kept them short. I didn't make myself available to her like I used to. Was I just being petty and torturing her? I can see how one would say that.  Perhaps that's what I was doing. But it's hard to be with someone so often when all you want to do is grab this person, pull her and kiss the socks off of her. It's a strange and brilliant method of torture… And it sucks.

SO, no, I won't be friends with a woman that I want something far more than friendship from. Sure, it can detonate a friendship, but we're not here to collect friends people. For me, I'm here to find love; I'm here to find something long term; something so long term you couldn't drive to it, or leave your cart to park there…

The friend zone. Fuck that!

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Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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  1. Pretty good article. Agree fully. So do u have any friends now that u wish you could be more with and if so how are you coping with that? Im no longer in this position as i simply pulled away and didnt see the need to be her fall to guy.

  2. To be fair I am still friends with some of the women I’ve carried a candle for. I just don’t go out of my way to make time for them, not like I used to. Especially if there are still some semblance of feelings that remain. But I do deal with it just fine. Understanding just how much of. A friend you can be is key.

  3. I totally agree! I’m a woman, and I had a guy say that to me. I wish I had just followed my gut and cut him loose, but I stuck around hoping. It was crushing to my soul and my self-esteem.

    When a guy tells me he wants to “just be friends,” I just leave. In my experience, the sentiment is not totally honest. There’s usually something else going on: either the guy is afraid or he’s lonely or he likes the attention. It’s rarely about wanting to make another “friend.”

    1. Truer words dear and, really, the guy’s ultimately not brave enough to say he’s just not interested or something like that. He sucks and ain’t worth a dime to ya.

  4. Burning your bridges can be lost a opportunity too, she may have a circle of other female friends you can meet which you can travel to find someone who is interested.

  5. I’ve found that it’s easy enough to reduce ties without severing them. If I have intense feelings for a woman and she wants nothing more than friendship, it’s half a relationship, and it feeds those feelings. I’ll do what I need to in order to move on, and then we can consider friendship, but our friendship needs to be dialed way back while I point my attention to going forward, not latching on to (sadly not) suckle at her capricious affection!

  6. Realize if you do not make the move someone else would. I asked a girl out in my college class and was turned down. I asked again and was turned down. I asked a third time an was accepted. we went to the bar on campus then to my place for sex. and stayed together 3 years. Turns out she felt wanted after 3 tries.
    It is foolish to be over polite. Let them know of your sexual interest. If you don’t there is a good chance you will lose out totally as her next BF may not appreciate you hanging around.

  7. Putting aside these are year old posts, what of co-workers? I’ve seen a woman simi chase other guy’s to only hear and see it end badly, I don’t chase or force myself into a person’s life. I’ve grown up lonely due to moving a lot so I don’t wish to come off clingy/needy and all that shit. while on another hand because of moving I’ve never dated

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