Why Your Lover Just Isn't Enough. Part Uno.
You’re sitting in front of your computer screen or gadgety phone, eating your Cheetos, Doritos or Fritos or Garden Variety of Toes… You looked at the title for this article and are probably thinking I’ve gone off my rocker; that I’m a complete tosser, who is very clearly brain damaged; maybe you think I’m a worthless turd that likes to put attention grabbing titles in my articles for traffic driving purposes (which, by the way isn’t just a good idea… it’s a REALLY good idea). Am I really saying this? Do I really think that the person you love will never be enough for you? Yes, I do believe this and let me tell you why.
First off, children of the corn, I should tell you that this piece doesn't come from me being upset with my woman or having a fight with her. No, quite the opposite in fact! Let me explain; I had two very intriguing conversations the other day: One with @winkwinkzoe and the other being a close, long time, friend of mine, Lester the Digester (we won’t be going into that name’s origin, okay kids?). The conversations were the same but very different, you see.
My discussion with Zoe Blue was interesting. She was searching deep within for some answers to questions that she’s been asking for bit. I’ll leave that for Zoe to attack on her own blog, if she wishes. Instead, I’ll let you in on my own thoughts and conclusions. First off isn’t it funny how a brief conversation with someone can be so enlightening? Talking with Zoe is just like that, you see.
Today, I'm going to discuss what I took away from my convo with Zoe.
I realized something and it’s not something that was a secret. Not really. What I realized is that, in my current relationship and those past, (actually, just because a relationship didn’t work, does that mean it was a failure? Something to ponder, peeps) was that we need to be engaged. I NEED to be engaged. I need to be challenged. I’m not sputtering wisdom; this is common sense to most people. Though, it’s common for me to lack any sense at all, surprising right? There are a number of ways that I need to be engaged: Physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually… There are different ways for one to engage on each of those. Physically, I need some damn good sexing-up!! Just do. Also, I need to be active or be challenged in a physical sense. No, not in the way that Chris “Cyborg” Santos might challenge me. For example, I work with computers most of the day, in my day job and then for my own personal business. I am a newborn Mac-Slut! So is my girlfriend! It’s easy that we would sit down and just get way into our computers. My girlfriend will furrow her eyebrow and declare, “Babe! We should go for a hike!! What about that place you drove us past last weekend?” To which I reply, “Um, you mean the place where the two bikers were mauled by a pack of upset mountain lions?” “Yep, that’s the one!” she exclaims. I’ll take a deep breath, shut down the Mac, turn off my server, power off my Windows 7 box (Windows 7 wasn’t my idea, for the record) and head off for a hiking adventure to parts that really scare the piss out of me. That’s just one of the important ways that she engages me and I appreciate that, but not as much as the sex. Thanks for the sexing, honey!
The flipside to that coin is she needs to be engaged, too. She’s an educator. She teaches. Whether she realizes it or not, she consumes information at an alarming rate! It angers me how much information she devours because it’s just not lady-like! (If you didn’t like the previous sentence, and you’re a woman, send your correspondence to [email protected]) What I’m getting at is that she needs to learn; to be taught; to understand the way things work. Like I said, I don’t know that she completely knows that or not. But that is one way that she needs to be engaged and I try to fulfill that. She needs to laugh, as well. Fortunately for her, I’m a gigantic doofus and totally capable of making fun of myself and others, which lends itself to regular laughter. Seriously, though, she also needs someone who will push back against her. She’ll tell you that she would steamroll a person, if they let her. Sometimes that means I have to muster a backbone and batter her in the labe’ or just be a jerk to her (which isn’t really a problem for me, you know).
However, do I engage her in every way that is important to her? Nope! The same can be said the other way, too. That’s the “thing.” Isn’t it? Maybe you have met the most awesome guy, the love of your life! He is challenging, engaging and bold, but maybe that guy hates hanging out with your friends, or doesn’t share your appreciation for the arts and culture. Then what? Those things aren’t necessarily “deal breakers,” but they are important nonetheless. To be whole and happy as a clam (are clams really that happy? Never understood that phrase) we need someone that fills in the gaps. I’m not suggesting that you get into polyamorous relationships (threesomes are kinda hot, though), though, for some that is an answer.
What I’m saying is, for myself, I need to be engaged in a number of different ways. For some of those things, my girlfriend excels. For some of those things, there are others that fill those gaps. It could be my Magic: the Gathering playing graphic designer buddy, it could be my speed dropping, heroin-injecting philanthropist friend. To be a more whole individual I do need more than just my girlfriend and she needs more than me. Could we do without those things and people that fill in those gaps? Probably; how happy would we be? That’s another matter, isn’t it?
Are we ever enough for our lover and they for us? I don’t believe so and that’s okay. That’s called balance and that's a GOOD thing..
What do you think? Can a couple be completely content with one another, needing nothing else?
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Judging by my own chaotic relationship's crumbles right now, I would say definitely NO. You need outside activities and people. If a relationship goes to its logical conclusion's success, i.e. kids or marriage if you believe in them, that little box of the two of you becomes INCREDIBLY small if all you have is each other, pressures build like a pressure cooker, and inevitably, tensions rise that can bring the whole house of cards to its knees. But, that's just my one example's two cents.
It's funny you mention "little boxes." That's how I think of a relationship, two people in a box. How well do they play together? That's the most important thing. Sometimes that box does get cramped and a couple may need to step outside and away in order to grow.
Thanks for the compliment.
Excellent post. So excellent that I am now distracted from my original task of writing a paper this morning. 😉
Let's see, to recap: Maybe we'll never be enough for our significant others, and maybe they'll never be enough for us. But that's cool, because that's what other people in our lives are for (our adventurous friends when our partner's not that adventurous; our calm friends when our partner's a drama queen, and so on). That is also something I'm discovering these days ….
That said, I think I also look for men who have the balance I'm looking for. So I can compromise on a guy who's less considerate and/or forgetful as long as he's got The Spark I'm looking for (adventurous, curious, funny or all of the above). Another question that always gets under my skin too: Am I encouraged to be a better person when I am in this relationship? And do I encourage my partner to be a better person? Those questions really get to me.
Thanks for the shout-out, you're awesome.
Well, on with life! And back to my paper … 🙂
.-= Zoë´s last blog ..Facebook: The art of defriending =-.
I totally believe that one partner can't possible be expected to fit all your needs, nor *should* they be expected to. That's why we have friends outside of our relationship. To use stereotypes, that's why women have our girl friends to have those deep emotional conversations with (though I'm really lucky to have finally found a man who also fills that need of mine currently) or go out dancing with, or men have their guy friends to grab a beer with and go catch a game at the sports bar with (yeah, I do that too) or hit a strip club.
Relationships are all about balance and finding ways to complement each other, not compete with each other, or morph into one another so you lose those unique qualities that made you fall for each other in the first place. We each bring different strengths (and weaknesses) to a relationship, and the way we integrate these with our partner's is one of the beauties of being in a relationship. When I am being a wuss about something, my partner can kick my butt to get tough and stick up for myself. Likewise, when my partner gets too sucked into being a workaholic, I am there to encourage him to get out and do something fun as a release and help keep him sane.
I totally agree with what Zoe said about when looking for the best partner for me, I'm pondering "Does this person encourage me to be a better person?" and vice versa. That's so key.
.-= Solo @ 30´s last blog ..Two Thumbs Up and A Couple of Nerds =-.
Thanks for this post—it's weird because I was thinking about this very thing last week. When someone thinks her partner is somehow responsible for fulfilling all of her expectations, desires, etc. it's not a healthy thing. In fact, it's a relationship killer. There is no person who can be everything to any of us. However, I do think there's something to be said for those who support us in going off and doing our own thing, rather than pretending to be ok and then resenting us for it later. Anyway, it's a balance…independence/ friendships/ relationship. We need all of these to be fulfilled/ whole I think.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Running away vs. running to =-.
Any girl worth putting up with a speed dropping, heroin-injecting philanthropist friend is worth keeping.
.-= DopeyFromDating´s last blog ..Daters Are Quite Valuable =-.
Great post Alex. Incredibly true. I have my male and female friends who fill in the gaps. Couples who don't need anything else from anyone scare me. They become the annoying couple that can't form their own opinion. "We loved the movie" "We don't like that restaurant." a relationship monster with two heads!
"I need" appeared several times in the blog.
This needs to be erased and replaced with "What can I do for you?"
otherwise you are destined for failure.
.-= Ian Yates´s last blog ..Ashton under lyne =-.