The "What Do You Think About Kids Talk" and Other Fun Stuff!
There I was staring up at the ceiling and contemplating that I wasn't posting another super gooey and sweet post about being in love with my awesome girlfriend to piss Taylor off with (which is my secret pleasure by the way, pissing off Miss TaylorCast. Shh!). Nope, not this day. I was contemplative as I lay on my girlfriend's bed, with her in my arms wondering about the future, as was she. We'd sort of had the “kids” talk… Again. You know the one. Do you? Don't you? As is the fine tradition and belief at the Urban Dater, if you can bleed it, people will want to read it. That said, kids. Let's talk about that for a few minutes.
This isn't the first time my woman and I have had the “talk” about kids. She wants em and I think they're scary and gross. I'm sure if you weren't offended by the image for this post, then the scary and gross assessment of babies has probably pushed you over the edge. The first time we talked about it, it was sandwiched with the marriage talk, which I gotta give kudos to my woman for heaping those burning topics together so nicely. Averse to confrontation? Not my woman, let me tell you!
That conversation posed to critical questions for me. Am I ready for marriage and do I want kids. At the time, marriage seemed like a for-off possibility and I could entertain the idea of kids. Time has passed, though, and I can say that, yeah, kids are not what I want. Though, I can see myself getting married and I can see myself marrying my girlfriend. She's that awesome. So what is it about these dang kids?
I'm not crazy about kids, they don't really fit into what I want to do with life. In fact, I could go on and on about why I don't really want a baby. It all boils down to this: I'm selfish. That's it. I'm selfish.
People tell me “Alex, you'd make a great father!” Yeah and you'd make a great lamppost if you just stood in one place and kept your yap shut!
This discussion is definitely one you make peace with before things get serious. I've ignored that bit of wisdom and now, like Obama with Tax Cut extensions for all Americans, I have tough decisions to make. No, no. I'm not going back on the kids thing and I wouldn't expect my girl to be okay not having them…That night, when we were on her bed, we wer quiet as we each mulled over our feelings and thoughts. My girlfriend mused, “So, what do couples without kids do anyway?” It didn't take me long to answer. Couples without kids do a lot of things. Some of the ones I know buy expensive four bedroom houses in affluent neighborhoods, the renovate one room and make it into a mini-theater, complete with plush movie theater seats and a wall mounted projection screen. Couples without kids drive out to the desert and jump their powerful shiny bikes all over the place, load em up in the motor home and go back to their house with the rest of their toys… Sounds selfish, materialistic and… meaningless. Doesn't it? Meh. Now, I'm just whining and feeling sorry for myself.
Time, though, has a way of changing things sometimes, in ways we don't always expect. I'll take as much time as I'm given and just kinda see what happens… Which is pretty much what I said after the first time we had this talk. The clock is ticking and who knows how much time is left and I don't want to have to write that one post… You know the post… I hate even the thought of it.
Weigh in on this. What do you think about my sad sack of suckery spilt above?
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Oh, Alex…you're such a boy. 😉 Man, can I relate to this situation. It was a heavy factor into my last break up. I'm a big believer that most men change their mind. I'm not saying that we can change it for you, of course. My ex was convinced he didn't want children and for the very same reason.
I don't know a single parent who hasn't worried whether they were too selfish to handle a child. However, my mother has always said that the minute you have child you no longer WANT to be selfish. I'm sure there are some shitty, selfish parents out there. But if everyone in your life is convinced you would be a great father, they are probably right. You would take one look at that kid and instantly want to devote your life to it. You might become the super involved Dad, not because you HAVE to be but because you might WANT to be. I know…I don't know you all that well. But, I just have a feeling you will change your mind one day.
Ack, Nicole! Why you gotta be all like that n' stuff? Change my mind? Who knows. Stranger things have happened before.
You think I'd be a good dad? As a former sitter of babies, I've taught children to spit, bang their head and drop the F-bomb…
I dunno, I think I'd be a turd-like parent.
Now I KNOW that you and I are related. I've often been quoted as saying that babies are assholes. Sure, you didn't use those exact words but I'm going to pretend you did and that you agree. I'm also with you on the selfish thing. I once read a very wise tweet…
"Just my luck, I'll probably have one of those babies that needs to be fed everyday."
Yep, that pretty much sums up my feelings on the topic.
I hate those kind of babies. The ones that need to be fed every day! Those just suck! =) Yeah, I think you and are a pretty dysfunctional brother sister duo from a place called hell. =)
Yeah, like this helps with my argument!! You make some good points. I suppose I'm waiting to have an epiphany… I just hate this…
I am in the minority of women who do not want children. It took me a long time to find a man who didn't want any as well. There isn't anything wrong with not wanting children! As with all other decisions, you'll know what's right for you when you reach deep down inside yourself past last night's dinner and find your guts. It is just as risky to say no to kids as it is to say yes.
As for what to do with a life without children? Travel!
No regrets here.
You make a good point, dear. It is about taking time and figuring out what you want. Things do change over time which is why I'm not in a hurry to act rashly. I've got something real and worthwhile and one hell of a woman. I'm luckier than a lot of my friends.
Besides, I guess traveling doesn't suck. =)
If I may ask how long were you with the guys that wanted children before you two parted ways? From your comment I see that the solution for you was finding a mate that shared not wanting children. Im a guy that wants children, I’ve been married for 10 years this year and I’ve always known I wanted them. My wife who I love deeply wanted them in the beginning of our marriage but has since changed her mind a few times going back and forth finally landing on” no for now”. I guess what I want to know is were they serious relationshipsthat you had? Did you love them (the men that wanted children) ? And if so how do you just walk away from all that investment, all that was so important?
Having kids is the most selfish thing you can do.
There's enough people on the planet already.
Thousands of diapers in landfill. Buying an SUV to take them to Babies R Us. Driving them to school everyday. Feeding, clothing, toys, cell phones, computers, tvs, dvd players, cars. Consume, consume, consume.
At the end of it all the selfish fucked up brats stick you in a home and steal your money.
When Alex & I discussed this I said "I don't know, you know me, I'm not a normal woman I don't want marriage & I hate kids. They are loud, messy & annoying. I barely like the ones that are related to me." so I'm glad he has all of you to give him feedback.
I have never considered myself to be old fashioned but damn! I'm totally the minority on this subject. I'm 'totes' with you're fabulous lady on this one. Not all babies rule but I have a feeling they do when they're yours. PLUS, don't you want a little Alex minion running around??
This must be the time of year for those discussions…..people reflecting on all that holiday kith and kin business.
I recently closed the door on one on-again, off-again, long term relationship and had a potentially good one ripped from me because of this very issue. I wish I could find a man that I actually was attracted to that didn't want children or didn't insist on "keeping his options open". Honestly, if you haven't had them by 35, you're too damn old, get over it and embrace the fabulous life that comes with being childfree.
As far as you being selfish, absent you being the only member of your gender left to repopulate the planet or a higher power guaranteeing that your offspring will be the one to cure cancer/find a means of world peace, if you have children, YOU ARE SELFISH.
I went out with this guy and I was amazed at the fact that on the first "date" he went straight to the marriage and kids talk. He brought it up. We agreed on the marriage POV, we want to get married eventually (he has been engaged twice). We didn't agree on the kids deal. I want kids, he doesn't. He said he would have kids with his wife but not because he wanted to, but as a sacrifice, as something he would be willing to do if it makes his wife happy.
And here's what I think….don't know if this applies to you.
Call me old fashioned I don't care, but isn't the whole purpose of marriage supposed to be to create a family?
Yeah, couples without kids get to have home theaters and travel to weird remote places. But they do that only to fill that empty space they have because they don't have kids.
Passion and romance between two people is great, don't get me wrong, but eventually all human beings tend to want more than what they have.
Having kids is a natural thing for human beings who choose to share their life with someone else. That's the whole point for which we were created. If we were all selfish and thought of not having kids our world would simply cease to exist.
Yes, having kids comes attached with big changes and sacrifices, but that doesn't have to scare us or anything. It's just one more plunge you have to take, but the positive side of this plunge is that you don't take it alone, it's a plunge you take with the best person you can take it with, your loved one.
IMHO, men who say they don't want kids are simply not ready to have them. There comes a time for all men in which they reconsider their decisions and just the fact that they start thinking about reconsidering, is an indication that they are going to be ready soon to have kids.
It's not sad suckery…it's life. Plain and simple.
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I do believe marriage and kids should be discussed long before a relationship develops. Within the first few dates, if not revealed in online dating profiles. W
I do believe marriage and kids should be discussed long before a relationship develops. Within the first few dates, if not revealed in online dating profiles. I’ll freely admit, I wouldn’t have dated a smoker, an atheist, or a man who doesn’t want at least one child and is old fashioned enough to want to be married to his child’s mother. I didn’t screen so carefully when I was young, but frankly, at thirty and divorced, I knew what I was looking for out of life.
Alex – It’s three years later. Has anything changed? Going through something similar with my man and just my curiosity.
Well, time can and does change people. I’m one of them. There were a lot of reasons I didn’t want kids, much of it pertaining to my own childhood and the examples of parenting that I had growing up. Since it was left unresolved, it really affected my view on being a parent. I’ve been able to work through these issues and now I’m ready for a little one or two. One of the other commenters here, Taylor Cast, states that she neither wants marriage nor kids, but guess what? She went and did both. Time changes people. That said, though, you can’t just sit and hope that someone will come around. If you’re ready and you need an answer, you need to speak up and be ready to move on.
Husband that wants kids here. Wife doesn’t. I just let her know that there is an ultimatum burning inside me. I feel like all the effort and sacrifice others have made for me/us will be for nothing if we don’t at least try to have kids.
Even through depression I like being alive and I only get to enjoy that because of the sacrifice of my ancestors. It is our duty to try to pass on our genes. 1 kid is enough, no need to increase the population.
I love this woman. I love our life. I want her to be the mother of my child. If she refuses then I think I must admit that time is marching on and I need to start my search from the beginning.