| |

We Get it. You're a Nice Guy. Go Get Bent Already!

You either want to hug him, or shake him

Perhaps you’re a nice guy. You don’t take advantage of a situation; you let your buddy get in there with the girl. Maybe you don’t take chances. Maybe you feel that you’re just a genuinely good guy, great even. Perhaps you feel you’re so freaking nice and awesome you never have to eat the heel end of a piece of bread. I’m here, today, to tell you that you’re probably right. However, it doesn’t matter cause it’s not likely to get you laid… Or if it does, it’s not going to be on your terms.

First off I’m not going to tell you that you need to be an asshole to the world at large. I’m telling you that the world has a wicked sense of humor and loves to yank on the “short ones.” That is, grow some thick skin and shave em’ clean. If you want to read more, then please do.

Example A
Jim Doohan. He’s a nice guy, much loved by his friends and colleagues. You ask any past girlfriend, “he’s just a great guy, amazing and wonderful. I really hope he finds someone worthy of his love.” Loosely translated this means: “Great guy, but he bends and breaks with the slightest northerly breeze. That is, the guy’s sweet as pie, but he gets walked all over.

Jim doesn’t see a need to change his ways. I can respect that; a guy that sticks to his guns. However, it’s not going to get him the respect that women want. Women need to respect the men they are with. This respect doesn’t just stop at talent or intelligence or emotional stability. A woman needs to respect her man for the boundaries that he creates; she needs to be reassured that if she pushes her man that he’s going to have the spine to push back!

He feels there is a compromise in being that guy that turns into a jerk and pushes back. In his mind he feels that not being nice, means that he’s going to be disrespectful and rude to his woman, or to his friends for that matter. That’s not the case, though. Pushing back merely means standing your ground and saying “no” or, if the situation calls for it, “get the f*ck out of here before I beat you to death with a Garden Gnome” (don’t ask me why I chose Garden Gnome, it’s 4am as I write this).

Example B
Garced is a young man, with a heart of fudge; pliable, sweet and rich. As dependable a friend as anyone could ask for. Yeah, he’s that’s awesome. To be his friend is to understand how truly lucky one can be in life.

Sometimes friends take advantage of this kindness… I have taken advantage of this kindness. I owe this guy money, not thousands of dollars, but a couple hundred. He’s never asked for it, it’s not as though he couldn’t use it. I’m not the only one in this category, however. The friends that need him often bulldoze him. More times than not he just can’t put his foot down. Is that his friends’ fault or is it Garced’s?

In love, well, this is a whole other matter. Garced has made me proud after breaking a sexual dry spell spanning a couple presidential terms. Today, man oh man… He’s certainly made me proud. He’s begun to discover his inner jerk. Speaking of which, we all NEED that inner jerk. We just do. It’s what preserves us and keeps us from getting railroaded by the more aggressive types of the world, the alphas, if you will.

He’s managed to torpedo his insanity by playing the ping pong ball between two paddles. These paddles represent women, if you needed clarification. He’s managed to engage in x-rated congress with each woman, telling each one about the other and now they are both demanding his time and attention. Not a bad situation to be in, unless you really could do without doing either one of them. You know, life is tough enough without Irony coming to your party and wrecking your day. Garced now has a “full garden” from which to delight himself, but these are not the fruits he sought. Is this a case of the grass being greener on the other side? No. This is a case of being yanked into a situation and not being firm enough and dickish enough to get out of it.

The man is being controlled by his situation.

Being nice will get you a lot of things. People will admire you, but you’re likely not getting the best of the situation, it’s getting the best of you (not to quote the Foo Fighters or anything). Let your inner jerk out and get some exercise once in a while, kids.

What do you think? Even if you’re nice, should you be a jerk sometimes to let people know what lines and boundaries not to cross?

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

Online Dating News & Advice Right in Your Inbox

By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Notice and European users agree to the data transfer policy.

Thanks for subscribing.

Similar Posts


  1. I think it has a lot to do with the definition of the word nice…Jim isn't nice…he's weak or insecure or a pushover. It's not that he's nice…he just hasn't found "himself" yet. Garced doesn't sound nice…he sounds like goofy…all caught up screwing two chicks being like "aw shucks" and "golly gee" (I've mentioned I'm judgemental before right? :P)…though you get a big tsk tsk for owing someone you call your friend money 🙂

    The thing is girls don't want the nice guy. We also don't want the asshole. That's a myth (if we're looking for a relationship and not just summer fun (read: me)). The thing is we just often settle for the asshole over the nice guy because at least it's CLOSER to who we want…which is someone interesting and manly.

    Great post…think I'm going to have to reference it in a future blog post 🙂
    .-= Something She Dated´s last blog ..Chuck Norris Would Surrender To My Boobs =-.

  2. So, are you saying that you don't have a few hundred to loan me? =)

    I like your observations. To me, Garced is just being a tool. He IS too nice and wants to be nice to both gals. But doing so, at least the way he's doing it, is insane. He's being completely honest with each girl about what he does with the other. I don't know how they haven't dragged him out to the street and whooped on him. Then he gets mad at himself because he feels like a jerk. Sometimes you gotta lay down the law, even if it means you're being mean to someone.

    1. I agree your friend WANTS to be nice…but that doesn't necessarily translate INTO nice.

      "He’s being com­pletely hon­est with each girl about what he does with the other"

      See that's where we differ on what it means to be nice…sure maybe these girls are head over heels in love with him and would be really hurt to know he's banging someone else…so he figures that telling them is being honest and being honest is nice…

      Only honesty isn't always so nice. Especially if they don't want to know. Which frankly I wouldn't. I don't need to know the person I'm banging is banging other people (I am too but I'm nice enough to keep that info to myself). I don't need to know the guy that I'm dating is dating other people (I am too but I'm nice enough to keep that info to myself). But more importantly…either he chooses me and I don't need to know about the other chicks I was in competition with…or he doesn't choose me and then I DEFINITELY don't need to know who I was in competition with (or that I was in competition at all)
      .-= Something She Dated´s last blog ..Chuck Norris Would Surrender To My Boobs =-.

  3. I agree that women do tend to walk all over nice guys. So it's very important to stand your ground and not put up with any abuse. Women will definitely respect that and be attracted to it.

    But you've got to keep your behaviour consistent. Because if you don't, and you're stronger behaviour just looks like some kind of outburst or excessive reaction, then it will freak them out. They'll think you're a bit of a psycho and probably walk away.

    So it's fine line; a juggling act. And definitely easier said than done.

  4. It's always good to have that nice guy around, but its hard for nice guys to get any because everyone always thinks "aww no he's too nice" or everyone thinks of him as just a friend and nothing more, he's my nice friend, etc. The concept of not wanting a nice guy is hard to grasp, but once you have an encounter with one it all makes sense for some reason. I was reading this post http://www.leftos.com/opinion/view/314 and a user commented and said "nice guys need to not be afraid they are a man so they don't end up bringing home the drunk chick that no one wants" –haha. so true. Maybe nice guys are just intimidated by girls so they feel like have to be really nice to them for girls to like them back? who knows, im not a nice guy.

  5. Hmm… so what we have here is a full double standard. If a guy's nice, he's not desirable because he lacks an 'edge' but if he's edgy, then he's a Psycho?

    I don't see how anyone can succeed in this environment w/o seeing the average women as a judgmental b*tch and possibly a passive-aggressive psycho herself.

    I recommend that nice guys grow a backbone but then, start dating in South America or Europe, and leave their narcissistic American counterparts behind.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *