Your Man is Going to Cheat. It's Only a Matter of Time
I hate titles like that one, but I’ve got something that’s been burning its way through my dense skull, demanding that I write about it. So I am. Ladies and gents, I’m talking about your man. The man you’ve brought home to mom. The guy that your friends adore; the guy that walks street-side and opens doors for you; yeah, I’m talking about THAT guy. So what’s this thing about his inevitable cheating?
Before I dive into this discussion, I’d like to “paint the picture” of where this particular topic comes from. As I was having drinks with @singlemuchny, her friend and @misstaylor cast the topic of infidelity came up. To make a long story short, we were talking about men and how a man will cheat if given the opportunity. I was reluctant to bite on this topic, however, it was important that I returned to it later and here we are, to examine the nature of the “manly beast” and our nature to do what men must do.
Cheating: is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.
The above definition is a common one for cheating. The above definition, though, is tied to strength of character. Someone chooses to be this way. If your man lacks character and a moral backbone then it’s not outside the realm of possibility he will cheat on you. That sucks for you, however, shame on you for choosing a lousy partner in the first place.
I’m not talking about moral integrity and character here. What I’m talking about is male nature; the nature of the beast suggests that monogamy is against what nature intended for the various species that roam this planet. Few mammals take only one mate. Dominant male animals take many mates; human males took many mates back during the darker ages. King Solomon was one notorious example of this practice. The dude with the most “bling” takes the most “poon.” As society has developed it has set the agenda of what is and is not acceptable. That is, society may tell us it is wrong to keep more than one mate, a male’s innate nature isn’t simply “shut off.”
A male stripped of moral obligation will take many mates. Period. When your man loses his moral compass he will “cheat” given the opportunity. How does guy lose his “moral compass” in the first place? Well, alcohol for starters is a good way to lose this so-called compass. Another way to lose this is simply to be in the presence of a person who brings out our true nature. In other words, imagine your man is staring eye to eye into the person they have most fantasized about, or imagine they are in the presence of a person with all the physical attributes that perfectly arouse them
I have seen friends ignore that compass for a variety of reasons and if it’s not because they’ve been impaired, it’s because the person they cheated with provides something compelling, in nature, to the cheater. Whether it’s physical, material, or emotional it’s a commodity that’s lacking in the cheaters life and when presented with the opportunity to seize upon that “commodity” they will. I know I’m talking about just men, but this is true with women, too. I’ve seen it play out time and time again.
I know what you’re thinking: “This is all just a cop-out! The guy just couldn’t keep it in his pants and he fails at being a man!!” If that’s your view, I say you’re naïve for ignoring the nature of what makes a man a man. A man always looks; a man always smells; a man always feels; a man has insatiable urges; a man will inevitably defy “what is acceptable” and act on what is carnal nature to him.
What do you think? Is this all just bullshit? (It was a rhetorical question, I'm sure
Image courtesy of Entertainment Weekly
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Hmm not quite. Human beings aren't monogamous but we're not polygamous either. We're kind of in the process of evolving towards monogamy. Our primate ancestors used to practice free love a million years ago. It's actually pretty interesting if you want to read up on it, I think there's a few websites dedicated to the evolution of sexual relations.
But that doesn't mean men don't have urges. We all have urges. I have urges to lie in bed all day and eat three happy meals in one go- but I don't. Because I like to think I'm a civilized person.
What you're talking about is an excuse men give themselves in order to make themselves feel better about cheating. I mean, it's not your fault if it's in your nature to do something right? Especially when there's alcohol involved. Any other day, I'd control my primal need to pee in a bush but it's different when I have a few rum and cokes in me.
I was reading a study once where men who thought they couldn't stop themselves from cheating ended up cheating more often (who'd have thunk?) but it's actually a good clue. I find that the guys who have a certain way of thinking (men love all women, men love sex, men are strong, men bring the bread home) end up philandering more than their more progressive counterparts who don't seem to have any of those ideas. I know tons of guys who have never cheated on their girlfriends (even when they've been given great opportunities to do so) so what makes them different from guys who would cheat? Their mindset probably.
So maybe the answer isn't to assume that your man will cheat, it's to ask him how he feels about cheating… and that'll probably tell you whether he'll cheat or not.
Well said, very well said, indeed! Ask a man if he'll cheat? Tsk tsk. Any man worth his weight in baby batter would answer that questions with "Cheating is bad! I'm a mama's boy, I'd never cheat blah blah." I think posing the question directly is bad. Providing a scenario is better, I think. Build the context for which a cheaty-face encounter occurred and get his perspective. I think that's the better approach. No?
Actually, I was reading an article in Cosmo and surprisingly, most guys who had cheated previously would admit it when asked (I have no idea why). So asking them about their philosophy on cheating wouldn't be a bad shot.
But yeah, a scenario would probably be more subtle- my friend Y cheated on his girlfriend X etc. Or just ask a friend to nudge it out.
Hope you don't mind me plugging my own blog, but I wrote an article on this very topic a few months back. "Cheating," as it were, is not so simple a concept. And, guess what? Women cheat, too. So, it's not as simple as guy wanting to bang any chick they can get away with banging.
Anyway, for anyone who's interested….
http://www.musingsonlifeandlove.com/2010/10/04/mo…
I don't disagree with you, actually. Scientifically, primitively, naturally you're totally correct. However, taking morals and obligations back into account, I think that's what makes relationships so hard yet so meaningful. Marriage in particular. Whether we are pro or anti marriage or serious relationships I think we can all agree it's a huge commitment because not only are you saying you DO want to take on those morals and responsibilities, but you're gonna do everything in your power to fight that alpha-male (OR alpha-female 😉 ) need to wander and “collect”, if you will.
"To collect," huh? I might have to start doing that myself. =)
Seriously, though, responsibility and obligation; love, are really the only threads that keep relationships "pure" and free from infidelity. I think it speaks much more to a person's character if they can keep themselves away from situations where they know temptation might occur. That is, staying away from the bar with a woman that he is attracted to and that HE KNOWS is attracted to him. Take yourself away from such situations…
So I was VERY anxious to read this article, because honestly, this is always a fear of mine. However, I am finally in a relationship with a man, who not only loves me, who I honestly believe would never cheat on me. We have had countless conversations on the subject due to both of our previous experiences with significant others who have cheated on us.
My way of thinking is why put yourself in the situation to set yourself up in the first place, because yes, I do believe that given the right recipe for disaster like you described, alcohol, a person you have been fantasizing about (we're all human here), and/or someone with the physical attributes that bring out the beast in anyone. It's natural for one (anyone) to have some kind of physical reaction to someone who is attractive or to someone they have fantasized about. However, even though in it would be deemed natural to act on those feelings, I think if a man or woman loves someone and is in a committed, monogamous relationship with that person then they would make a conscious effort to realize the feelings this other person is bringing out in them and talk to their significant other about those feelings before they "Act" on them.
One could only hope.
Denise,
Solid, solid points, there. You and I agree that there's a greater emphasis on the situations one puts themselves in. I'm not gonna lie, there's one woman who I won't hang out with for drinks. It's just a recipe for disaster and I won't risk my relationship on it because I'm happy, very happy. At the same time I'm not going to say that I don't have urges, or that I don't find some women wildly attractive. Nature is nature. Action is action and actions are what tell the truth.
All great thoughts and ideas. Believe it or not I don't have a strong opinion on whether or not it's nature blah, blah. I just know I don't want to go through it again.
When we had this conversation I remember feeling like, 'please Alex, have the answer! Help me to believe there are some decent men out there!' I can't expect anyone to have the answer. Good post.
Ps
Come back to NY
I like to study wolf behavior as a hobby, for reasons that date back to previous lifetimes, at the risk of sounding insane.
I believe most people would agree that males wolves are a strong dominant animal. Anyway, basic wolf research reveals that only one male and one female in a pack will mate, the alpha pair. The others in the pack (betas and omegas) literally shut down their biological instincts and will not mate (or the males leave the pack to become the lone wolf and start a new pack). Should one of the alpha pair die, yes, of course, another mate is taken. But not before.
Can you imagine…disengaging your base nature for the betterment of the pack? I think men and women could learn a few things from wolves. Not the least of which would be population control, but don't get me started down that track.
Yes, coupling with as many females as possible is the male's base nature. Biology proves it. But what separates us from most of the other species on the planet is supposedly our ability to think. Thinking allows us to choose, rationally and irrationally, but choose nonetheless. And that choice is the key.
I know many couples who choose to be in open or alternative relationships. They're choosing to get all that they want from multiple others. I don't feel that's wrong. The key is in the honesty, upfront approach, the choice being made. When one person doesn't know what the other is doing, then there's deception, then there's foul territory.
Likewise, I also know many couples who are in lifelong relationships and choose to believe that flirting with the delivery man in their office is harmless, and that allowing a cute coworker to take them out to lunch or flirt via IM, even though their SO has no idea, is not cheating. I disagree strongly. But then, it is my choice to define cheating differently. As is everyone. Society, be damned I say.
I actually like that my man is an alpha male. I like that he has a sexual drive. That base nature is appealing to me, it turns me on. I also find it incredibly sexy that he uses his brain and chooses to control his base nature.
That's it, in the end, it comes down to choice and communication. The more evolved the thinker, the better the chances that he will not cheat. He may come to you and say, "I think we have to talk…I'm attracted to so and so." If that ever happens, a wise woman will recognize what she has there (a man who chose not to lie and cheat behind her back) and not panic but rather work through it to whatever end with her mate.
I think the way you "know" is by choosing the kinda guy that has "anti-cheater" values in the first place: self confidence rather than bravado, loyalty to friends and family, respect towards his mother, humility rather than lack of self awareness, and who is an open communicator. Of the 4 men I've been in serious relationships, 3 never cheated on me or any girl that came before, and I believe they just dont have the makeup to, no matter how drunk or tempted. The one that cheated on me, cheated on his wife with me. I chose to ignore that at the time, even though it was obvious.
I would also posit that the nature of a cheat develops at a much younger age, too. Since the many things we pickup as children tend to affect us later in life. Could it be that the nature of the men that didn't cheat on you were formed at a much younger age? Did their parents stay together or divorce? It would be an interesting info graph to see, for sure.
i've dated a lot and in all my relationships with the exception of one, the man has cheated. do i believe that men are more prone to cheating, yes. do i believe that they can choose not to, absolutely. blaming biology or nature is a cop out. if you cannot commit then don't get into a relationship. sleep with whomever you want and don't put yourself in a position where you are going to hurt someone. yes women cheat too. but it's for emotional reasons where as for men it's physical. how about we all just respect each other and break up with our partner if we want to bang someone else.
Bah. Saying cheating is a cop-out is, itself, a cop-out. While it's almost entirely the fault of the cheater, it might be the cheatee's fault as well. Haven't you ever dated someone that drove you into the arms of someone else?
You'll notice I didn't say cheating is a cop out, I said blaming biology or primal instincts i.e. hard wiring is a cop out. If someone cheats and blames their partner they are an asshole. How about you just do the right thing and break up with them to avoid cheating. And to answer your other question, yes, you. 😉
I'm sorry but I think there is an EXTREMELY rare situation in which a person can drive one to cheat.
Then again, I've been cheated on, more than once and have never come close to cheating myself. I was wasted, in another country, my boyfriend was being a total Dbag back in CA & a sexy marine was putting some serious moves on me and I still said no. Men suck, face it. 🙂 lol.